Short-lived

As I knew it would be.  I retreat into the “darkness” that I have gotten used to. 

 

For two weeks I enjoyed the freedom of accessing web sites and checking my free webmails at every whim.

 

The network admin also activated the in-house emergency messaging system. 

 

But I found at that the company migrated to another connection, one that will give us better connectivity to the NY, Cardiff and Boston servers..yada yada yada.  Whatever.

 

But, this freedom is transitory. 

 

For fourteen days, I surfed cyberspace yet still aware of the 24-hr monitoring system that had us wary about doing too much browsing. 

 

It was also 14 days of prolonged system downtime. There were outages at any point of the day.  Birth pains expected from a supposed improved system infrastructure.

 

The operations director made sure everyone gets free merienda to motivate operations guys to extend hours as workaround to the intermittent system outages. 

 

I am not from operations, but I get to share in the free food!  System downtime didn’t affect me much.  All I knew was all blogsites were accessible!!  Oh look, I can go to blogger.com!  I can actually see my template again!  Mwah mwah. (sigh)  I missed my template.

 

It was euphoria.

 

Now, I get the familiar “Not accessible” message.  I am back in my myopic world where one of the sites easily accessible is the company website. 

 

Ho hum.

 

Circumspect

The listless waters now begin to show ripples.

Each wave a wee bit stronger than the one before.

The force underneath threatens to bubble forth.

The whisper of the soft winds hovering above the water begin to stir up waves of uneasiness.

But the ripples may become waves and the

whispers of the wind may become constant echoes that float in the air

 

Mixing vanity with comfort

Impossible to do.

Especially when you are dressed to impress.

I am wearing a pair of white linen pants and an old rose floral top. The only obvious choice to complete the ensemble is my 2-inch light brown shoes.

After almost a year, I am wearing those shoes again. You see, after that near disastrous fall in October, I hurt my ankle again a few months back. It was excruciatingly more painful not to mention more embarrassing. That, while wearing a pretty sensible pair of black shoes. Okay, it was a slip on shoes. No heel support. I had to bandage the poor ankle for two days.

But for vanity’s sake, I am trying my brown shoes again and hoping I won’t step on some misplaced rock somewhere.

So help me God.

PS
Just to argue my case a little bit more, I have been wearing either boots and flats. How much more ankle support do you need that those?! Can't a girl wear uncomfy yet flattering shoes once in a while, accident-prone notwithstanding? I can almost hear the reaction: Go ahead! It's your ankle, anyway.

Terror of a boss

I think I could be one. Or have the potential of being one. Believe me, I have reached this conclusion long before I watched The Devil Wears Prada.

I am no Miranda Priestley, Meryll Streep’s character in the movie. Heavens no! But the twice a week conference calls that I go through together with some of the junior guys in the Manila operations office made me see how demanding of a boss I can be. Fortunately for the junior analysts, they don’t report to me. (hahaha)

I think I need to digress a bit.

I have no staff working under me so extra help will have to come from Jovie’s team. I get very little difficulty getting assistance because the things I do benefits Jovie’s team in the long run. It also helps that I have a very good working relationship with her. Jovie willingly ‘lends’ me some of her more experienced analysts to do overtime work. They usually volunteer, according to her, because these guys want the extra performance credit and are usually the achievers.

“Overtime pay charged to your cost center, ha?” I would often get that line from Jovie. So, after coordinating work schedules with the team managers, I have an adhoc team at my disposal.

That is when my demanding streak rears its beautiful head.

I think the analysts in Jovie’s group have gotten used to just listening during calls and leaving the talking to their managers. Let me correct that. I think they have gotten used to half listening and just waiting for instructions from their bosses after the call. I think they have gotten used to making their own offline conversations with the phone on mute when the topic does not concern them. Only when they hear the word, “what about Manila” would they stop and say, “Ano daw?!”. To which they would speak over the phone and say, “Can you repeat that, please?”

It is similar to hearing your name called in class by the teacher in the middle of a lecture because you were doodling, looking out the window or chatting with your seatmate. Then you stand up, scratch your head and try to find out what the discussion is all about.

It irritates me. (And yep, if you see the nerd who religiously takes down notes and listens intently to the teacher…that would be ME.. geeeeeky)

Okay, that is just a small part of what irritates me. It irritates me that they cannot articulate what they want to say. It irritates me that even their team managers fail to prepare before the call. Imagine me having these irritations even when I am a mere participant in a conference call. Now imagine how I feel when I get the responsibility to lead the team. Which happens to be the case at the moment.

Maybe, because I had demanding bosses. Prior to joining this company, I worked with Filipino bosses who assumed that I can handle things. I had superiors who pushed me out of my circle of confidence. I had bosses who passed on work and allowed me to work on a very steep learning curve. Ergo, I had bosses who stressed me out but gave me the confidence I need.

Maybe that is why I am behaving like this. Maybe I want to push these guys out of their comfort zones. They seem so complacent.

I know I am a pretty reasonable boss. But, if you let me think you understood but actually didn’t and you failed to deliver when you said you will…!

“You can be very scary, “ I remember a former teammate tell me.

“You have people but you don’t manage them. Lucky you.” That was how Gilda, my college girlfriend, described my set up. She said that after whining about the pains of handling people. She has 19 people under her.

Sigh…

So, with all the effort I can muster, I loosen up a bit. Once in a while, I drop a hint and say, “Maybe you can ask that question during the call so they’d recognize your voice.” As of this writing, they are just happy listening in. As of this writing, I let them be.

From a control freak like myself, letting them be takes a lot of willpower.

For now, it seems to be the more plausible way to go. We are working on this project until December so ……

Ask me again in four months.

LSS*

A Filipina singer revived the song and gave it a different sound but nothing beats the original. One phrase kept playing in my head and I realized how romantic that line was.

“Trace of forever lingering, drawing me closer to you..” I wish I wrote the song, or at least this line.

*Last song syndrome

Accountable

"Nobody was ever meant,
To remember or invent,
What he did with every cent."

Words from Robert Frost's The Hardship of Accounting. Certainly, every accountant wishes the poet's witty attack on bean counting were true.  

My tribute entry to my friends from my previous department on this season called the 'month end close' with another season overlapping, called the 'budget season' and another event called 'exodus'. One regional manager from the HK office is rumored to be resigning, only a month after another regional manager submitted her resignation.  Plus two new expats that recently took over the reins of the Asia business. 

Discussed over breakfast this morning with my former teammates.

 

 

 

This transient life

Pluto gets the boot!

In a landmark meeting in Prague, the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of its membership in the “elite cosmic club”, downsizing the solar system from nine planets to eight, says CNN. For someone who devoured science books during elementary with the solar system listed under My Favorites, this was unwelcome news. Initially, that is.

“How could they do that? Why couldn’t they just leave the little guy in the list?” Seriously, that was my initial reaction. It is like one little brick of my basic foundation chipped away. But in our quest for knowledge, these adjustments have to be made.

Imagine those elementary kids who just learned about the solar system being told that there have been changes. Textbooks are one of the constants in a kid’s life. Yet, with this announcement, textbooks suddenly become obsolete. “Ok kids, forget about what we told you previously. Bad news for Pluto. It ain’t a planet no more.” I guess this is not how the grade school teachers would break the news.

That is the thing with what science classifies as truths. They are not absolute. We are humans, always needing constants in our lives. So we make do with what we have and make conventions when deemed necessary.

One decade's truth becomes the next decade's untruth. I know that someday, another news will come along.

++++

Interim structural changes in Asia

This was one of the headlines in our company website. Our newly installed Managing Director made twitches in the structure of one major business segment in Asia that is performing way below sales target. “Heads will roll before the end of this year,” I mused. I imagine the sales managers and directors biting their nails until they see the numbers improving. I am almost sure more organizational changes will follow.

++++

“Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes,” I tell my friend Mac who recently expressed sadness over some of his friends leaving the company for better opportunities. “It is something we will experience more and more as we advance in years.”

The older we get, the more people we meet. With each person we meet, at times we make instinctive decisions on which ones to keep. With each group of friends we have, we still decide which ones to keep for the longer haul. I suppose at some point, the hellos will cease as goodbyes become more frequent.

The thought seemed to sadden Mac a bit more, which wasn’t my intention.

“Sorry, I have just come from a place of goodbye.. Been there for a while so..….” I didn’t finish my sentence. He understood.

“So, the best thing to do is..…?” I smiled at him. “What..?” he curiously asked. I said,

“Never stop saying hello.”

Oh pompous me!

"I am allowed to have my moments of weakness in my own home!"

 

A quotable quote from one of Oprah's guest who is a fashion expert.

 

I am saying that right now (grin) but in a completely different context.

 

You see, I am gloating. 

 

Unabashedly.

 

I need a few hours more before I can wipe this, sly satisfied grin off my happy, glowing face.

 

Okay, okay!  I am gloating and basking in my egotistical glow.

 

'Nuff said.

 

 

Grieving Well

It sounds like an oxymoron.  On occasion, I get asked about my “grieving process”.  It is one of the most difficult questions to answer.  “I am doing okay “ is not in the least descriptive.

 

So am I? Grieving well, I mean?

 

Aside from weeping your pain away and releasing hitherto emotions held in check, grieving also includes gradually establishing your new routines.  A means to cope is to make room for other things. 

 

Other things would include recurring flashes of memories of the people you have loved and lost. Other things include the familiar stab inside of you each time you recall the last time you saw your parents alive. Other things means getting ready for new traditions that may hurt, but you know needs to be done.

 

It means making room for stronger feelings of pain and sadness.  It means being sad not just on certain times of the day or week.  It means accepting that the deep sadness will remain. It is a certain kind of grief that you know will remain in you for the rest of your life.

 

There are some things that I need to unlearn, too.  Like becoming tense each time I see a text message from a family member.  I am like massaging away the knots on my shoulders that kept me in pain for almost two years.  My brain has been programmed to prepare for news that gets worse by the day.  I need to fix that and learn to expect more happy news than sad. 

 

When the tears become more few and far between, you feel that you have reached the last leg of the ‘process’.  But no.  You just get used to the emotion. 

 

There are some things I have come to accept as part of living.  There are things that will never be the same again.  There are people you can never be with again in this lifetime.

 

I am still walking that road… defining, redefining, learning, unlearning, accepting, rejecting.  I know that I am progressing well towards establishing my new normal. 

 

So, am I?  Grieving well, I mean?

 

I believe I am.  But I still have a long road ahead.

Those daily commutes

I made the mistake of taking the passenger seat of the fx that stopped in front of me.  Well, it was the only seat vacant at the time....!

 

Twenty minutes later, I find myself alone in the vehicle because I get off at the last stop. 

 

When I am left alone in the passenger seat (which doesn't happen very often), the driver would usually engage in some small talk to which I respond with deliberate disinterest.  This time,  Driver strikes up a conversation but it was no small talk.  It was sweet talk, a proposition, right from the get go  This guy, who is probably in his mid 40's, was downright condescending!   I responded with a scowl and a look of disbelief. 

 

The rebuff was lost on him.  I think he is used to women responding positively to such lines. 

 

"You single, right? May 25 ka na di ba?"   Under a different scenario, this would have made me smile. 

 

"Oo naman, HO, Manong!"  I said irritably.  Moments like these, I wish I was wearing something more corporate.   My business casual outfit usually shaves off a few years.  Suffice to say that during that time, I wanted to do something criminal. Especially, when his eyes swept over me from head to knee... Twice..Eewww.

 

Thankfully, his hands are kept on the steering wheel, otherwise...!!  The thing that prevented me from snapping at him was my fear that he would retaliate. (I was alone with him, remember.) I just decided to look irritated and ignored him for the next few minutes (or is it seconds..?) while i hugged my bag as if my life depended on it. He blabbered about how he saved up for the van when he was in Saudi.  Those few moments inside the moving vehicle seemed to stretch forever.

 

Drivers of public utility vehicles do this regularly, hitting on lady passengers who happen to sit next to them.  In an airconditioned vehicle,  you are helpless in case the guy decides to do something crazy especially when there is no one else with you.  I resent that there are some women who seem to show delight at the attention given to them by drivers. (Seem is the operative word, lest I be accused of being judgmental..)  I hate it that men of whatever built are generally stronger than any of us women.. And whoever came up with the idea of powerlock.....! Grr.   

 

I had to ask myself, Do i look like a naive, little girl lost in the corporate world?  I wanted to say, "Please spare me, I am not a twenty year old. So those antics won't work.  I don't care if you have saved millions while you were in Saudi!!".

 

When you are keen on getting a vacant seat in a van or FX en route to your office, you forget your list of DON'TS.  But that cannot be an excuse.  I wanted to knock myself on the head for forgetting my own reminder.   That was my third encounter in the last three months on a weekday morning. 

 

I will never ever let myself be alone in the passenger seat again. 

Notes of a passerby

“Will…you…marry…me?”

Hmmmm…

I wrinkle my brow…

Now why would the Rustan’s Mall use four of its precious glass display windows along Ayala Avenue just to have those words splashed for all the passersby to see? I glance over the fifth window and I see a mannequin wearing a simple wedding dress. Last time I checked, June was a month ago and December is months away.
I stared at the well-lit façade of the mall and smiled. Man, if I were a guy proposing marriage to his girl. I will make sure we walk along this side of the mall, kneel down right near the pretty mannequin on the display window and pop the question. Hahahahaha jologs but c’mon, kilig pa rin.

Drifter, get a hold of yourself. Must be that time of the month or the too many late night conference calls at the office.


********

How long have you been married? Says the girl.

“Three years.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah. Time flies. Can you believe it? Three happy years.”

Girl number 2 says, “I should have listened to my mom. Early on she sensed that something is not right with my boyfriend. That I should think twice about marrying him. Now look where it got me. Buti ka pa.”

Then I make a left towards our building entrance.

I tried to catch a glimpse of the two ladies from the glass main door as they walk straight past our building. Their voices now barely audible.

(Me, eavesdropping?! They were talking so loudly, I couldn’t help it. )

Two different pictures of a young marriage. The first one is made in heaven, the other, a partnership gone awry.

Reality check on a rainy Monday morning.

Three more letters

"What did you say to Maria?” I asked, my excitement was obvious.

 

“I said no, that training is too expensive.”

 

“But why?”  I said morosely. 

 

"Smaller companies can afford it. It is not that expensive when you think about it. Why do you guys always use the NO BUDGET excuse?!" No, i didn't really say this. Hehehe

 

“Just kidding. Of course if said you needed that training. Ikaw pa.  Cost may be a bit on the high side (there it is again) but I think the gains will be worth it.”    She smiles at me. 

 

That was Jovy.  And we were talking about the request that I made to my boss.  I asked that the company sponsor my enrolment to the 8^th Certified Management Accountant (CMA)** Program.  Maria wanted Jovy's opinion.

 

I had to control my expectations although I was sure that Jovy’s endorsement is a major deal. 

 

True enough.

 

“Kathryn approved your request.” Maria told me last night   Kathryn is Maria’s boss.  “The company will pay for the cost.   You will have to sign a contract though. “

 

If only my boss could see me grinning from ear to ear.  Go ahead draft a contract.  I am getting the hang of this job anyway. 

 

Can I sing that song again?

 

“Lord Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life.  I am surrounded with the favor of the Lord always and forever.

 

 

**CMA is an internationally recognized designation that will be given by the ICMA of Australia after fulfilling all the necessary requirements which includes attending the classes, taking an exam and writing a paper.

 

NOW WHAT??

Taking inspiration from a morning radio show’s top ten, I make my own list:

 

Top ten responses to the question, Now what?

 

10)      You do what needs to be done

9)        Brace yourself and wait.

8)        Turn a page. 

7)        There are just some people you cannot get along with.  That doesn’t make you a bad person.

6)        Nothing.  You can’t control how other people think.

5)        Nothing. You don’t need to do anything all the time!

4)        Now, take care of yourself.

3)        I just want to know how life has been to you over the last few years.

2)        People forget.  They’ll forget this one so don’t be too hard on yourself.

 

And the top response to the question, now what??  is:

 

Time for plan B.

 

Words given to me, words I came up with, words that people say to other people and words I hear on tv or in the movies. It would be nice to go back to this entry once in a while.  Might come in useful again someday.

Weekend musings

Wouldn’t it be nice to have Captain Jack Sparrow’s compass so that I will know where to find what I want most in my life?  Unless of course, like Capt Sparrow, I don’t exactly know what I want or have too many wants that the compass wouldnt know which to prioritize.  

 

Despite the breathtaking action scenes of Pirates of the Carribean, (the three-way sword fight scene was sooo cool!!), I left that movie house with the compass in mind.

 

********

Maria Shriver once was quoted saying “Well-behaved women never make history.”

 

In Shriver’s universe, history literally means HISTORY.  Using that line in context with my life,  I came to a conclusion.

 

I am too well-behaved. 

 

Too accommodating.  Too nice. Too risk averse.  Scared to go even for calculated risks. Too proud to face the possibility of rejection.  Too nice to even voice out my disappointments.  Maybe it is time to throw a little of my weight around.  Rock the boat a little. 

 

I remember this test about a woman’s ways to protect herself or to control her circumtances.  There are five levels or five manifestations.  A friend once said that I use the nice girl approach.  I remember being surprised. I thought I was the busy girl or the tough girl type. 

 

I remember him saying, “You are not the tough girl type. And not the busy type either.  You don’t use the “I am busy” line unless you really are busy.  You make yourself available when necessary.” 

 

I was shocked that he observed that much.  But I knew in my gut, he was right.  I am so used to saying’ “No it is fine,”  when in fact, my heart wants to say, “Unacceptable!”

 

No need to be alarmed, I am not about to become the mean girl.  This is not a case of a fool rushing in where angels fear to tread.

 

I won’t bother to go into details but let us just say I have some thoughts brewing in my head.   Let us just say I want to make a milestone, my own history. 

 

It is just about time.

 

What do you know, maybe I don’t need Capt Sparrow’s compass after all.

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

'Til the landslide brought me down

 

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

 

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, even children get older

And I'm getting older too

 

Take my love, take it down

Climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well a landslide will bring it down

 

A landslide can bring it down.

 

Landslide

By Stevie Nicks

 

Fear is the factor

The bedroom lights are off but thanks to the light from the lamp post outside, I slowly grope my way to the bed, not wanting to disturb my roommate.

 

Then I hear it.  That buzz.  My senses turned full mode. Without any glasses on, I can see that slowly moving dark shadow on our screen window.  I run for the light switch and there it is --- a cockroach. 

 

I shudder.  Eeww.

 

My roommate is sound asleep and so are my housemates in the other room.

 

My heart thuds. I am all alone.  I heave a sigh.

 

I got the bedroom slippers and raise my hand poised to take a swat at that terrifying little creature before it decides to fly and scare the living daylights out of me. 

 

But here is the thing.  My hand is ready to attack but my feet aren’t.  I was standing a good six feet from the window. Hahahaha   Pa cute.

 

So I do the next courageous thing. 

 

I whisper a cry  “ Shawieee..”  (my roommate).

 

She mumbles…Hmmm? 

 

So much for not wanting to disturb her.  Desperate moments do call for desperate measures.

 

“If I try to kill that cockroach, it will fall on your bed.”   I sounded so brave and heroic.  And concerned.  LOL!! I almost convinced myself with that line. 

 

Translation:  “Shawie, may ipis, paki patay!”

 

“Wh ..where?”  she asks, half asleep.

 

I point towards the window near her bed and without hesitation, she picks up her slippers and kills that ---- ugly creature. 

 

And Shawie falls back to sleep.   When I have finally settled in my bed.  I thought to myself,  that seemed easy.  Whew!

 

Okay, I freeze with fear each time I see a cockroach.  Something must have happened in my childhood for me to have an unusual fear. 

 

I even remember asking God to give me a husband who is not afraid of cockroaches so that he will kill them for me.  Seriously!! I want to make sure I have someone in the house who is not afraid to kill roaches.   Fine, I have ended lives of roaches in the past but only after much planning and sweating. And running away.   Killing a cockroach is exhausting.

 

“You have to buy a swatter and practice”, Shawie lectures a few days later. 

 

I ask, A swatter? That is not going to kill a roach?!

 

“It won’t, but at least, it will become weak and fall to the floor.  Then go for the kill.”

 

Ohhhh Kadiri.

 

Overcome your fear.  Face your fear goes the mantra.

 

I have faced a few fears in my life.

 

But facing this one gives me goosebumps.

 

Pass muna. 

Put your records on

My song of the moment. 

 

Jazzy, funky plus something else. That "head-nodding beat". And a blues ring to it.

 

It has been awhile since I last bought a CD. 

 

Until I saw this very simple video of a girl leisurely riding a bike with her girl friends.  I liked her outfit and her Afro ' do.

 

And her voice!!  Wow!

 

She sings with such ease.  Very laid back. Very cool.

 

And so I buy her CD. My first purchase after a looong while.  Well worth it.

 

I like most of the songs in the eleven-track album.  Other than Put your records on, I like Enchantment, Trouble sleeping and Breathless. 

 

Her name is Corinne Bailey Rae. UK's latest find.

 

I put my feet up and chill to her sound.

 

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

 

She finds her rest

June 15, five o'clock in the afternoon.   I stare out from the window of the van as it smoothly speeds along North Luzon Expressway.

 

Only half an hour earlier, we said our goodbyes to our cousins in Pampanga and headed for Manila.  One hour more before we reach home.

 

Home. Sixty minutes.  I need to do some planning, I thought. It had to be a productive ride. So I begin a mental mapping of my to do's........

 

...........

 

Nothing.

 

Who am I kidding?  My brain is in condition to do heavy thinking.  My mind is tired.  My body is tired.

 

And my heart is beyond tired.

 

So I decide to just stare at the steady traffic of cars, trucks, buses... The rest of the world moves on but mine just had to stop for a while. 

 

Early that morning, we brought our mother to her resting place.  Beside our father.  My mother passed away June 10 early morning, eight days before her  62nd birthday, after 18 months of fierce battle with cancer.  She was a strong and determined fighter. Barely having a chance to mourn over her husband's death, she decides to focus on overcoming this cruel disease. To the very end, her children helped her with her fight. What a long, painful battle for all of us.

 

Now, I feel the full impact of losing both parents.  What an empty, hollow feeling.  You feel tired but the sadness numbs your entire body. The sadness is so profound that you can't express it.

 

Last Sunday, we celebrated her birthday.  Which also falls on Father's Day.  Amazing how my parents still seem to do things together even after they have left us.

 

"Now she won't feel the pain anymore."  What a cliche but it does bring us the greatest comfort.

 

It is time to rest, Ma.  Don't worry about us.  We're in good Hands.

 

 

I close the day with a song

Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

 

The Long Day is Over by Norah Jones

 

Postscript:

 

Tense shoulders.  Tired eyes.

Two 11-hour work days. It is only Tuesday.

My Wednesday is spared but my Thursday is not.

I wonder how Friday will go.

 

 

 

 

Day by day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find, to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,

I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.

He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure

Gives unto each day what He deems best—

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

 

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,

He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”

This the pledge to me He made.

 

Help me then in every tribulation

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation

Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land.

 

Lyrics: Lina Sandell, 1865.  

Composer: Oscar Ahnfelt, 1872.