Fear is the factor

The bedroom lights are off but thanks to the light from the lamp post outside, I slowly grope my way to the bed, not wanting to disturb my roommate.

 

Then I hear it.  That buzz.  My senses turned full mode. Without any glasses on, I can see that slowly moving dark shadow on our screen window.  I run for the light switch and there it is --- a cockroach. 

 

I shudder.  Eeww.

 

My roommate is sound asleep and so are my housemates in the other room.

 

My heart thuds. I am all alone.  I heave a sigh.

 

I got the bedroom slippers and raise my hand poised to take a swat at that terrifying little creature before it decides to fly and scare the living daylights out of me. 

 

But here is the thing.  My hand is ready to attack but my feet aren’t.  I was standing a good six feet from the window. Hahahaha   Pa cute.

 

So I do the next courageous thing. 

 

I whisper a cry  “ Shawieee..”  (my roommate).

 

She mumbles…Hmmm? 

 

So much for not wanting to disturb her.  Desperate moments do call for desperate measures.

 

“If I try to kill that cockroach, it will fall on your bed.”   I sounded so brave and heroic.  And concerned.  LOL!! I almost convinced myself with that line. 

 

Translation:  “Shawie, may ipis, paki patay!”

 

“Wh ..where?”  she asks, half asleep.

 

I point towards the window near her bed and without hesitation, she picks up her slippers and kills that ---- ugly creature. 

 

And Shawie falls back to sleep.   When I have finally settled in my bed.  I thought to myself,  that seemed easy.  Whew!

 

Okay, I freeze with fear each time I see a cockroach.  Something must have happened in my childhood for me to have an unusual fear. 

 

I even remember asking God to give me a husband who is not afraid of cockroaches so that he will kill them for me.  Seriously!! I want to make sure I have someone in the house who is not afraid to kill roaches.   Fine, I have ended lives of roaches in the past but only after much planning and sweating. And running away.   Killing a cockroach is exhausting.

 

“You have to buy a swatter and practice”, Shawie lectures a few days later. 

 

I ask, A swatter? That is not going to kill a roach?!

 

“It won’t, but at least, it will become weak and fall to the floor.  Then go for the kill.”

 

Ohhhh Kadiri.

 

Overcome your fear.  Face your fear goes the mantra.

 

I have faced a few fears in my life.

 

But facing this one gives me goosebumps.

 

Pass muna. 

Put your records on

My song of the moment. 

 

Jazzy, funky plus something else. That "head-nodding beat". And a blues ring to it.

 

It has been awhile since I last bought a CD. 

 

Until I saw this very simple video of a girl leisurely riding a bike with her girl friends.  I liked her outfit and her Afro ' do.

 

And her voice!!  Wow!

 

She sings with such ease.  Very laid back. Very cool.

 

And so I buy her CD. My first purchase after a looong while.  Well worth it.

 

I like most of the songs in the eleven-track album.  Other than Put your records on, I like Enchantment, Trouble sleeping and Breathless. 

 

Her name is Corinne Bailey Rae. UK's latest find.

 

I put my feet up and chill to her sound.

 

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

 

She finds her rest

June 15, five o'clock in the afternoon.   I stare out from the window of the van as it smoothly speeds along North Luzon Expressway.

 

Only half an hour earlier, we said our goodbyes to our cousins in Pampanga and headed for Manila.  One hour more before we reach home.

 

Home. Sixty minutes.  I need to do some planning, I thought. It had to be a productive ride. So I begin a mental mapping of my to do's........

 

...........

 

Nothing.

 

Who am I kidding?  My brain is in condition to do heavy thinking.  My mind is tired.  My body is tired.

 

And my heart is beyond tired.

 

So I decide to just stare at the steady traffic of cars, trucks, buses... The rest of the world moves on but mine just had to stop for a while. 

 

Early that morning, we brought our mother to her resting place.  Beside our father.  My mother passed away June 10 early morning, eight days before her  62nd birthday, after 18 months of fierce battle with cancer.  She was a strong and determined fighter. Barely having a chance to mourn over her husband's death, she decides to focus on overcoming this cruel disease. To the very end, her children helped her with her fight. What a long, painful battle for all of us.

 

Now, I feel the full impact of losing both parents.  What an empty, hollow feeling.  You feel tired but the sadness numbs your entire body. The sadness is so profound that you can't express it.

 

Last Sunday, we celebrated her birthday.  Which also falls on Father's Day.  Amazing how my parents still seem to do things together even after they have left us.

 

"Now she won't feel the pain anymore."  What a cliche but it does bring us the greatest comfort.

 

It is time to rest, Ma.  Don't worry about us.  We're in good Hands.

 

 

I close the day with a song

Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

 

The Long Day is Over by Norah Jones

 

Postscript:

 

Tense shoulders.  Tired eyes.

Two 11-hour work days. It is only Tuesday.

My Wednesday is spared but my Thursday is not.

I wonder how Friday will go.

 

 

 

 

Day by day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find, to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,

I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.

He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure

Gives unto each day what He deems best—

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

 

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,

He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”

This the pledge to me He made.

 

Help me then in every tribulation

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation

Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land.

 

Lyrics: Lina Sandell, 1865.  

Composer: Oscar Ahnfelt, 1872.

My cup runneth over

After a cursory knock on her doorpost,  I went inside Jovy’s room for her signature on my medical reimbursement form.  She stood up and closed the door behind me.  Though a bit puzzled that a simple reimbursement would require confidentiality, I sat down and let her see the receipts.

 

“How is your mother?” she asked.

 

I give her a quick update. 

 

Over the last few month, Jovy and I have developed a certain degree of friendship.  Although not my direct superior, I made deliberate efforts to make her feel that I recognize her seniority.  Evidently, my efforts were appreciated.  These past months, I have also gained insights from her people management style.

 

She hands me the signed form and then –

 

“I know that you only report to me administratively so I am not sure if I am in a right place to ask this but –

 

I thought, whoa whoa whoa.  What is this???

 

 

………   “Are you happy with your current salary rate?”……….

 

 

Her question floored me but I recovered quickly –

 

“No I am not”

 

She smiles “ I am glad that you can be honest about it."

 

“Don’t get me wrong Jovy, it is not a bad rate.  I just know that I deserve a higher amount.  If I choose to leave the company, I am sure I can get a better rate.”

 

That isn’t a bluff.  I am confident that I can do that. 

 

She asked me how our HR offered the rate and I give her a brief history.

 

“I decided to accept it because, I didn’t want to leave the company yet.  I had an option during that time but I decided against it.” 

 

Sensing that this is the right time, I continued, ‘This year is my reckoning year, Jovy.  If by end of quarter one next year, I am not satisfied with my rate, I will resign.  In fact, this year, my focus is to prepare my resume for next year.”

 

She was quiet for a  while. And then she starting speaking.

 

She was very general in her explanation but, coming from the financial planning group,  I understood what she was driving at which I translate as:

 

Bottomline, there will be funds available to justify a jump in salary.

 

She continues, “BUT…..”   (ohhhhh there is that word)

 

 “… having it within the year would be difficult. I can’t promise that.  We will try.  In time for next year’s appraisal, I know that we could do something to align your salary.“

 

Awwww. Why did I have to know this now??  (ang EQ ko! Ang EQ ko!)

 

That would have been enough to dampen my mood but I have long decided to stay until December anyway.  With all the stress that I have been going through since last year, I didn’t want a new job to add to it.  If there will be any major move, it will be next year.  But I didn’t tell her that.

 

“I am aware of how much your rate can go given the range of salary for managers. We can do something about it even though it will be for next year.  RT (her boss, the Operations Director for AsiaPac) can swing that.  By the way, how much was your increase?”

 

I gave her  the rate.  In my previous department, that rate would have been okay but with Operations, it was at the lower end.

 

She slightly bowed her head and said “I am sorry about that. Maybe because you were fairly new in the group.  (excuses excuses) We will do something about it.”

 

Finally, I  just had to ask her –

 

“What happened Jovy?  What made you think about making an evaluation at this time of the year?  Not that I am complaining. Did someone speak with you or was it God who spoke to you directly?  I have been praying about that you know.”

 

She smiles and says “I just thought of it.”

 

My eyes widened, my voice confident. “Ahh so it was God who spoke to you directly!!”.

 

Her next words warmed my heart.  “You see, I really like you.  I like how you have managed to establish very good working relationships with my often stubborn managers. Mind you, they are not an easy group to get along with.  Even the junior staff find you very approachable.”

 

I think I blushed and only managed a smile and an “oh thanks, Jovy” 

 

Okay, I admit, I was teary eyed and I was sure she could see my eyes brimming with tears. (Na touch ako, promise!)

 

“You even managed to handle Mia. She doesn't seem to faze you. I know she is one tough cookie.”

 

Tell me about it!! I wanted to say but again, I choose to shut my mouth.

 

“I don’t know how you have been performing on Maria’s (my boss!!) side but as far as the operations side, my side is concerned,  I give you the highest marks. You had a steep learning curve but I know you have a good grasp of operations now.”

 

I wanted to tell her that I am getting pretty good marks from Maria as well but again, I shut my mouth and let her talk. I’d hate to interrupt the flow of words  affirming me.  (LOL)

 

“You have been a lot of help to my team.  And so I feel that you should get the commensurate salary. And our cost center can handle that.”

 

I smiled again. I think I couldn’t smile wide enough. 

 

“I like working with you and your team as well.” I said softly.  I was so poised, I must say. 

 

But inside of me???

 

YESSSSSSS!  ALRIGHT!  WAHOOOOOO!! THANK YOU GOD!  My spirit was doing the dance of joy.

 

“So I will make sure I give Maria my evaluation, solicited or unsolicited. And recommend to make the adjustment.”

 

I almost didn’t hear her with all the revelry in my head.

 

I said enthusiastically, “I am sure she wouldn’t mind unsolicited!!”

 

We both laughed.

 

It was lunch time.  Her phone rang  “Hello!  Yes, Melissa I will be there.”

 

“Don’t just think about leaving yet” she said as she opens the door for me.

 

I floated towards my workstation.

 

I know that Jovy  usually spends lunch with Melissa, her close friend at the office. I am also sure that I will be one of their topics over lunch.  Good!  Go ahead.  Talk about me. 

 

Melissa happens to be the HR Manager. 

 

There was nothing to tie Jovy to her words.  She could easily forget today’s conversation. (but i will be sure to remind her hehehe).  This may sound corny but her words were reward enough.  Her words filled my heart.  

 

When my nerves have settled, I realize that next year is still a looong time coming and for a few moments wished that the adjustment will happen within the year.  (Dapat first quarter pa nangyari ito eh! Growl.)

 

Still, for the next two days, this song (culled from Psalm 23) rings in my head:

 

“Lord, Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life

I’m surrounded with the favor of the Lord

Always and forever.”

  

Day three and the song still plays inside me.  :P

From within

I have been getting the same questions about my mother and I have been giving a standard reply.

 

“Not good.”

 

That about sums it up. 

 

Some of them give a follow up question and I give my standard follow up answer.

 

“She lost a lot of weight.”

 

And losing more by the day, I want to add.

 

Once in a while, when time permits, I give a little more update about her condition or share an anecdote about my recent conversations with  my mother. 

 

But rarely do I get asked this.

 

“How are you?”

 

Maybe because some think that it is a ridiculous question that doesn’t merit an answer. Maybe because some find it uncomfortable to ask a question that is too personal.  Maybe a few think that I didn’t want that question asked. 

 

I think maybe they are right.  I don’t want to deal with that question.

 

I don’t even want to know how I am or how I am coping with the idea of losing my mother only a year after losing my father.  In fact, I rarely ask myself any question. 

 

No, I have not numbed myself.  I can feel the wealth of emotion just beneath the calm and controlled exterior.  I just refuse to let vulnerability creep in because I might not be able to keep a lid on it. 

 

So I protect this wall, making sure all cracks are covered up.  During unguarded moments, it may not matter who is in front of me.  I just might let the wall cave in and allow the rivers of emotions flow.

 

One thing though, I haven’t had an unguarded moment since January last year.  Only before God in prayer have I let my control down.  But even that takes so much effort.

 

The feelings are too profound.  No words can be enough.

 

Recently, a friend asked me the standard question and I gave the standard set of answers.  We were on a train en route to a Manila so the moment allowed us to talk some more.

 

What my friend didn’t know was, those thoughts only dawned on me as I say the words.

 

“I think that is why I didn’t want to do anything or to go into anything new. ”

 

Dealing with the pain of a dying parent is too big a deal that I try to protect the status quo in an attempt to lessen the impending blow.  It was my last vestige of control.  I just wanted all other things to remain unchanged.  I don’t want to rock the boat when the waves are already strong enough to tip it over.

 

My friend understood, I think. 

 

Although I am aware that it is pointless to take control, I suppose that it is my attempt to cope with grief. 

 

So if you want to know how I am – -- ?

 

Let me just say this.

 

I am deeply sad.  I am angry as well.

 

Maybe if you look hard enough and if you are quick enough, you will see that flash  of sad look in my eyes.  Maybe if you listen well enough, you will hear the sad tone behind the funny rejoinders, the brief silence after a laughter.

 

I guess I prefer it this way.  Let us go on with our usual and at times mundane conversations.

 

And just let me grieve in private.

Blue sky holiday

The phrase that caught my attention as I learn the words to Daniel Powter's song, Bad Day.
Okay, it is a song about having a bad day so you probably have an idea of how negative the lyrics go.

For a song about bad days, this one may just lift your spirits. It is kinda danceable. I like its upbeat melody.

I don't watch American Idol, but i was told that this song serves as the background each time one idol wannabee gets booted out.
It has been enjoying airplay for several months, its sustained popularity attributed to American Idol, I guess.

You need a blue sky holiday, goes Powter.

Ah yes, I do.

But i have this self-imposed rule not to go out of town for long periods of time.

Long period as in two to three days.

I am sticking to this rule.

-----

A few days ago, the sky darkened and for a while, the city got a reprieve from the heat.
I love the rainy season (except when i need to go out). And I can't wait for the sound of rain.
The extreme heat made me wish for the rains to come.

Today, I woke up to a dark sky and cooler breeze. Yess!
Tropical storm Caloy visits the country, ushering in the rainy season.

There goes my blue sky holiday.

Celestial lights

Growing up, the vast expanse of the dark sky always fascinates me. Thanks to the well structured science curriculum that we had in elementary and high school, I was inevitably hooked. My father’s adequate collection of books and other literature fueled my curiosity even more.

And to this day, seeing the full moon with dark clouds hovering it makes me stop in my tracks and stare. You wouldn’t think that it is just a rock that only reflects light from the sun!

In the mid 90’s , a TV movie by Stephen King, The Langoliers gave me a more visual idea of another phenomenon, --the Aurora Borealis, an awesome blaze of the Northern Lights.

"Far north in the night sky, a faint glow appears on the horizon. Green and
red flames of light stretch across the sky. A glowing curtain of light forms, waving and swirling above you. As the lights fade away the dark night
closes over you once again."

Recently, another movie, Disney Pictures’ Eight Below brought me back to the carefree years, the time when I would just raise my eyes to the sky and gape in awestruck wonder. Set in Antartica, Eight Below is about eight Siberian huskies left to fend for themselves for six months. My favorite scene is when one of the dogs jumped as high as he could trying to catch those moving rays. Oh wow! The Aurora Borealis!!

It was only the next day that I realize it is not Aurora Borealis but Aurora Australis, the Southern Lights . (Antartica is in the south pole, my dear Drifter :D).

"The extent of light pollution today makes observation of the aurora very difficult. We have to face the same situation if we want to watch the stars. In principle, the light of the aurora is weaker than the light of stars, so if no stars are visible it usually means that the northern lights cannot be seen either."

So that means when the aurora is seen, the sky is at its clearest and bright stars fill the sky!! What a sight that must be!

The mystery of the outer space still fascinates me. And whether Borealis or Australis, the aurora is a work of art, a moving painting in the sky. Watching it must be like seeing the hand of God splashing shades with the universe as His canvass.

I thought of the time with my friends when we laid on the grass somewhere in Baguio and just ….stare.

Out there.

Lying there with the sky as my covering, gave me the most peaceful and the most humbling feeling…..

How beautifully refreshing it must be to see the night sky streaked with a myriad of colors instead of the usual black and gray.

Parched

Too much time under the sun’s blazing heat.

Away from the flowing streams of water that is seen from a distance.

Where else would the clay get the water it needs to quench its thirst?

When it seems like one long hot summer ahead?

Yet, hasn’t it happened before?

Couldn’t the hardened clay hope for a mighty Rain in the midst of summer?

Yes.

I was asked a question.

My reply was negative.

Almost immediately, I realized that I gave a wrong answer.

Maybe because I subconsciously evade the question. Or just don’t see the need to confront it.
Until unwittingly, I meet it head on.

What I thought was an honest reply was a knee jerk response, barely scratching the surface.

……

Tears flow. Heart in hand.

So I ask myself that question again. And gave my heart’s reply.

To the universe, it may not matter.

But to that reflection in the mirror, it does.

Amigos

Yep! Male friends. I am glad I have them. Why? They give you a less complicated view of certain things. (opps..sorry fellow ladies) They tell you like it is. Rarely do they overanalyze, if at all, they do. I consider it a huge blessing to have these few good men who are genuinely concerned in me as a person and more importantly, as a woman. I have been gifted with friends who regard me as their equal yet still consider me as the gentler gender. They are men who are instinctively nice and considerate of women across the board, not just towards women that they are romantically interested in.

I have one male friend at the office who drops by my workstation few times a week for a 5-minute chat. This guy has always been generous in giving encouragements and showing concern. His selflessness allows him to sense the needs of the people around him. You will know sincerity when you see one. Believe me, those 5-minute visits fill my emotional tank to the brim!

And another ex-officemate who, although an ocean away, still manage to drop an email or send a message to say any mundane thing that pops in his mind. And another one who calls me up and being an expressive man that he is, never fails to say “How are you? “ or a “Tol miss na kita ah!” Still another who, together with his wife, invites me over for dinner just to catch up. And another who sends me a message via YM even though he knows I am usually offline. Or the one who usually sends this message, “’Musta?” Then he would call but not after asking for my landline for the umpteenth time.

I have a few other friends who regularly drop an email or give a quick call either for some updates on “serious” stuff or just for some nonsensical exchanges. What mattered was the moment allotted for me. That they remembered me. The topic is secondary.

I have such high regard for men who know that women ought to be handled with care and respect. You see that in the way they communicate, both verbal and nonverbal. I admire them more for not being quick to judge you as having romantic leanings.

I do value a man’s point of view. During painful situations, talking to guy friends help me hasten the healing process. There is nothing like the masculine point of view to pull you out of the depths of sadness and to re-build your dwindling self-esteem just by their presence.

Most of the time, these men unknowingly give me important lessons just by listening to them and learning how their minds work. Amazing how different they are. Such an interesting breed ..err.. specie. In fact, I am not surprised to know that, although I gave this site to them, only a few really take time to read my blog! (except maybe this entry…..)

People spending time with me, whether personal or virtual, is right smack at the center of the love language that affects me most. With my lady friends, spending time is easy. For men, it can be a bit of an effort. An effort well appreciated.

True, I have more female friends. Definitely, the more personal topics I choose to share with my gal pals. My girlfriends, coming from different backgrounds and carrying varied personality types, are lovely fixtures that color my life’s shelves. And my male friends? Equally lovely fixtures. My glass-encased shelves won’t as beautiful without them.

Amigos. I say keep them, even when you already are in a committed relationship.

A significant other who forbids you from keeping them….well…may not be significant after all.

Salute!

Keeping my fixtures

I stare at the wall where my shelf stands and lovingly smile at the fixtures that line each layer. Fixtures of varying sizes, hues and designs, each one stirring special memories. Maintaining them takes huge responsibility which I take very seriously.

These fixtures are heaven’s gifts and caring for them is my gift to myself and a way of giving back to God.

The wisdom to know which fixture merits a place requires much thought and consideration. Should I put in my biggest and most beautiful layer? The one that I encased in glass so beautifully kept for all the world to see? Or maybe in the other open layer where I can easily reach and regularly clean away. Or should I place it at the lowest layer, hidden by an opaque door?

Once in a while, I take stock of things and decide to move some of them from one layer to the next. But through the years, I have learned to know where to place a fixture. On most occasions, my fixtures stay where I initially place them.

Then a fixture catches my eye. More than a year ago, I had deliberately placed it at the back end of one layer, not quite sure if I should keep in its current spot, move towards the front or hide it behind the opaque door.

I pick up it.

And I sigh.

What should I do with you? I say to the fixture that once owned in a spot in my glass-encased layer. Now, you have collected more dust than memories. How many times have I tried to keep you in my main shelf only to have my spirit wounded? When would you realize that being in my shelf is not an accomplishment? It is a mutual nurturing. It is a journey to be enjoyed. Not a race to be won. In your shelf, I would have wanted to be a fixture too. Not a trophy.

Sometimes I face this choice. Of picking up a fixture and wondering what it is doing in my shelf or why it had stayed too long in that spot. At times I have some fixtures trying to push the opaque door down, wanting a space in my main shelf. But some of them are way too fragile and unsteady, supported by a base made of inferior material that it can’t stand on its own. Some fixtures simply erode, weathered by the sun, wind, dust and time.

Once again, I stare at the fixture and gently wipe off the dust. For the nth time, I decide not to place it behind the opaque door.

I place it not behind the glass door but the layer above it where I can still reach and clean away the dust once in a while.

Once in a while.

Up Close and Personal

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the use of technology to enhance communication, but whatever happened to face to face discussion? Sure, there are things that are best discussed via email but when all recipients are located in one floor, wouldn’t a brief meeting be a better idea? Or better yet, since only two people are involved in the discussion, why not pick up the phone, press four numbers and voila!! OR an even better idea is to leave that workstation and take .. what? ..ten steps to the other person’s work area. Good exercise too.

I don’t recall any announcement regarding a no-talking policy nor do we have any stay-in-your-post rule issued by HR. Okay, my sarcasm is showing. But when you regularly get several emails that is actually a conversation between two people, you sort of get exasperated. Especially when all of the email recipients are located near each other.

A few personalities in my department seem to prefer to interface with that electromagnetic radiation-emitting computer monitor than have the more personal interaction. I just don’t get it.

As if reading my mind, the SVP for Global operations sent an email this morning to the Global Content Group with the most interesting subject -- Stop and Talk: Free Email Experiment. His email declares tomorrow as a free email day. His message encourages everyone to use the phone or make personal visits to their colleagues’ workstations.

I shake my head. So it is a global case. And Mr. SVP, what a great idea!
-------
In my former department, I only know one local number, that of our senior accountant.
The rest of the thirty plus people in Finance, I usually communicate with face to face. Not only does it give me a faster turnaround, it also improves my relationship with them..

One exception: My HK-based ex-boss Saj, I prefer to email than give a call. Enough said.

These past months in my new department, I have been deliberate in visiting the cubicles of the people I deal with. The questions that they send me via email, I usually respond to personally and then tell them I will send an email just to document the discussion. This way, I am able to match the names with the faces as well as make them feel more comfortable in approaching me in the future. I’d like to believe that I have made significant progress in this area.
-------
(Sigh) The price of technology. Too much of our daily exchanges are relegated to text messaging or emails. Sure, it has its advantages and it would be crazy not to take advantage of these benefits.

Used to be that I loved giving personal birthday greetings or making brief phone calls to friends but now, a text message gets the job done. Or does it?

If you must know, I am an audio-oriented person.

I’d love to hear from you.

Stepping out

My friends call it my “launching” and I cringe inside each time I hear it, not to mention, feel a little more ‘stressed’ as that day approaches. But then I realize, to launch means to embark on, to get underway, to take-off.

Exactly what I did.

This one thing that I reluctantly yet eagerly desire finally came to fruition. It happened through Songs from the Heart, a post valentine musical-talk show event sponsored by the QC Influencers International. The night is highlighted by four panelists who are in different stages of love and loving. They share valuable insights culled from their own experiences. In each phase of love, there will always be an apt song, and that is where yours truly come in.

Although I am aware and grateful for God’s gift of music, I have always preferred to keep it under wraps. I mean, how many requests to sing one song for a wedding have I evaded? I can remember giving in to four wedding occasions and refused more pleadings from brides-to-be.

Why? One word.

Fear.

The thought of standing in front of a crowd, with people looking and listening to me, intimidates. The thought of not meeting their expectation terrifies me.

What made me pursue it this time? One word.

Faith.

The faith of the people around me. Let me emphasize by saying, stubborn faith of friends. And yes, faith in the Source of this talent.

“Di lang pang videoke ang boses mo (Your voice is not just for videoke)..” I remember Grace (the most ‘stubborn’ of them all) saying to me.

Much as I know I can sing well, I have always believed that my voice would not be good enough for a special occasion. Sure, I have sung in a few weddings. Sure, I have received affirmations but inside of me, I still felt, that another singer can do better.

But then I know that the way of expressing thanks to God for his gifts is to use them. In increasing measure. To constantly step out of my comfort zone and … dare.

And so, ably accompanied by Wendell, the Influencers’ own version of Ryan Cayabyab, I took part in the ministry that I love.

I have two dreams in my heart -- to sing in front of a crowd and to be on radio.

One down. :D



PS
I am still on that natural high. (giggle giggle) I feel so good that I just might post some pictures.

Prayer in a song

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you, oh Jesus.
It's what i long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

-- BRIGHTEN MY HEART by Sixpence None the Richer

I feel ---

Frustrated - a cluttered room with just a few days to go before my landlord will find reason to knock the apartment door down and force me out of my place, unless of course, I pay for an extra month’s rent (which I won’t)

Upset - because four sets of 25 crunches each still send me bending sideways in pain. I only get unsympathetic grins and chuckles from the trainers at the gym. Gee, thanks.

Ridiculous – after reading an old journal that details some of confused emotions. Now if I were to talking to the “younger, less wise” me, I would probably knock myself on the head and say “Hello!!!!!!” But I realize that those foolish decisions gave me a stronger resolve on a lot of things. Oh, yeah I 'shredded' that journal with my bare hands. The cheapest therapy there is.

Refreshed – from powerful insights from the Word of God during Sunday service, just the message that I needed.

Excitedly nervous – over this wonderful opportunity to share a part of myself for a special gathering. This may need a separate entry.

Uneasy - given the major adjustment I will have to go through as I share a room (and an apartment) with three women. (will they kick me out if they hear one Mishka Adams song over and over again?)

Grateful – for the provision we received that will finance the next two chemotherapy sessions of my mother! God is amazing! Woohoo!

Eager – to present some plans I have drawn up at work to my boss. Now, if only we can find a way to finally have that much-delayed phone call.

Satisfied and thankful - I look at the mirror and say, "You have come a long way, girl."

And a long way to go.

My odd(?!) indulgence

It is one of my quirks. Listening to a song, (yes, ONE song) for hours!
An average of four hours each song is my conservative estimate.
Let me list down the songs that caught my fancy the past weeks.
I can only say “Thank God for earphones and the repeat button!”

God only knows by the Beach Boys
Save the last dance by Michael Buble’
Magnificent by Hillsong
Part of me, part of you by England Dan and John Ford Coley
Wouldn’t it be nice? by Beach Boys
Who am I? by Casting Crowns
Don’t love you no more by Craig David
Unbelievable by Craig David
Whenever wherever whatever by Maxell
Dream of me by Kirsten Dunst

Easy listening music, I dare say. I suggest you check them out. Listening to one song for several hours is not for everybody but the weird habit sure runs in our family.

Thoughts too random? I think not.

Without getting into the details, I know I got what I deserved when I learned of some information that I had no business knowing. In the words of my friend, James, “curiousity killed the cat”. Well, those were not his words really ..but umm…you know what I mean.

Life indeed is a race. Not a sprint but a long distance marathon. The journey is long and tiring. You face detours along the way. You come face to face with disappointments. You deal with a lot of frustrations. You feel that life is unfair because the course did not go the way you expected it.

You prepare well for the race but you forget to realize that all of the runners beside, behind or ahead of you prepared for the run as well.

In a marathon, sure there will be winners. Cliché it may be but finishing well makes the journey, with all its hurdles, worthwhile.

Once in a while, you might get distracted and spend a little too much time focusing on how badly or how well the other runners fare. But you must decide to keep on keeping on and stay on course. It will be wise to recall why you are running this course in the first place.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you bet the water bill is higher.

Months back, I came across this statement. I never forgot about it. I have been waiting for the opportune time to blog something about it. I guess, this is the time.

In your side of the fence is your own garden. You have your own wild grass to weed out and the most beautiful flowers to nurture. You have a landscape to think about. A landscape uniquely your own.

This is not supposed to be a blog entry that makes sense. So if you don’t understand what I am saying, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I clip my wings then wonder why..?

I skim over the inner pages of my favorite broadsheet when I saw the article on the latest batch of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs).

After a cursory glance at the picture of about ten men and women, all distinguished in their suits, I do my routine of checking out the names.

My eyes widened.

This time, I make deliberate look at the picture.

He looks older, I thought. Well, that was several years back so...Now he is a CFA….

He was one of the countless financial analysts I worked with. Worked with him for quite a while…

Analysts and bankers. Never was a day complete without having a meeting, an email or a phone call from at least one of them.

I remember the times when I would get a phone call from an analyst or an account manager urgently requesting for some information at the exact same time when my boss is breathing down my neck for some reports he needs for a board meeting. I shudder at the stressful thought.

But I remember CFA guy, with his mild manners and gentle voice and ..uh well, let us just say, he can bother me anytime. An irate boss preparing for a meeting, notwithstanding (lol). Just kidding.

I remember getting the third degree from my boss, DAM, for having a meeting with Mr cute-analyst-now-CFA in my work area.

“Those visitor’s chairs are not for outsiders. We have a conference room where you could hold meetings. Your work area has a lot of confidential information.”

Words to that effect. I apologized for the lack of judgement. I couldn’t possibly tell him I have this huge crush on this particular analyst to explain the oversight. Knowing DAM, he will call this guy and set up whatever meeting with him just to make sure he comes over on a regular basis. I will die of embarrassment.

I googled his name on the web. An idea I got from a blogger. Hmm.. He co-authored some research work on the Philippine economy. Although I have dipped my fingers into a slightly similar work, the topic still overwhelms me. I close my browser.

I wonder where he works now. Surely he is just here in Makati... I wonder if.....Maybe…

Nah.. Forget it.

Ohhh why my parents raised me this way I will never know. (LOL)

Ohhkay, fine. They raised me well.

Too well.. :D

As Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado's cover of Humperdinck's Quando quando quando fades. I close my itunes, turn off my PC and head for home.

Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando quando quando...?