Day by day

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find, to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,

I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.

He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure

Gives unto each day what He deems best—

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

 

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,

He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”

This the pledge to me He made.

 

Help me then in every tribulation

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation

Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land.

 

Lyrics: Lina Sandell, 1865.  

Composer: Oscar Ahnfelt, 1872.

My cup runneth over

After a cursory knock on her doorpost,  I went inside Jovy’s room for her signature on my medical reimbursement form.  She stood up and closed the door behind me.  Though a bit puzzled that a simple reimbursement would require confidentiality, I sat down and let her see the receipts.

 

“How is your mother?” she asked.

 

I give her a quick update. 

 

Over the last few month, Jovy and I have developed a certain degree of friendship.  Although not my direct superior, I made deliberate efforts to make her feel that I recognize her seniority.  Evidently, my efforts were appreciated.  These past months, I have also gained insights from her people management style.

 

She hands me the signed form and then –

 

“I know that you only report to me administratively so I am not sure if I am in a right place to ask this but –

 

I thought, whoa whoa whoa.  What is this???

 

 

………   “Are you happy with your current salary rate?”……….

 

 

Her question floored me but I recovered quickly –

 

“No I am not”

 

She smiles “ I am glad that you can be honest about it."

 

“Don’t get me wrong Jovy, it is not a bad rate.  I just know that I deserve a higher amount.  If I choose to leave the company, I am sure I can get a better rate.”

 

That isn’t a bluff.  I am confident that I can do that. 

 

She asked me how our HR offered the rate and I give her a brief history.

 

“I decided to accept it because, I didn’t want to leave the company yet.  I had an option during that time but I decided against it.” 

 

Sensing that this is the right time, I continued, ‘This year is my reckoning year, Jovy.  If by end of quarter one next year, I am not satisfied with my rate, I will resign.  In fact, this year, my focus is to prepare my resume for next year.”

 

She was quiet for a  while. And then she starting speaking.

 

She was very general in her explanation but, coming from the financial planning group,  I understood what she was driving at which I translate as:

 

Bottomline, there will be funds available to justify a jump in salary.

 

She continues, “BUT…..”   (ohhhhh there is that word)

 

 “… having it within the year would be difficult. I can’t promise that.  We will try.  In time for next year’s appraisal, I know that we could do something to align your salary.“

 

Awwww. Why did I have to know this now??  (ang EQ ko! Ang EQ ko!)

 

That would have been enough to dampen my mood but I have long decided to stay until December anyway.  With all the stress that I have been going through since last year, I didn’t want a new job to add to it.  If there will be any major move, it will be next year.  But I didn’t tell her that.

 

“I am aware of how much your rate can go given the range of salary for managers. We can do something about it even though it will be for next year.  RT (her boss, the Operations Director for AsiaPac) can swing that.  By the way, how much was your increase?”

 

I gave her  the rate.  In my previous department, that rate would have been okay but with Operations, it was at the lower end.

 

She slightly bowed her head and said “I am sorry about that. Maybe because you were fairly new in the group.  (excuses excuses) We will do something about it.”

 

Finally, I  just had to ask her –

 

“What happened Jovy?  What made you think about making an evaluation at this time of the year?  Not that I am complaining. Did someone speak with you or was it God who spoke to you directly?  I have been praying about that you know.”

 

She smiles and says “I just thought of it.”

 

My eyes widened, my voice confident. “Ahh so it was God who spoke to you directly!!”.

 

Her next words warmed my heart.  “You see, I really like you.  I like how you have managed to establish very good working relationships with my often stubborn managers. Mind you, they are not an easy group to get along with.  Even the junior staff find you very approachable.”

 

I think I blushed and only managed a smile and an “oh thanks, Jovy” 

 

Okay, I admit, I was teary eyed and I was sure she could see my eyes brimming with tears. (Na touch ako, promise!)

 

“You even managed to handle Mia. She doesn't seem to faze you. I know she is one tough cookie.”

 

Tell me about it!! I wanted to say but again, I choose to shut my mouth.

 

“I don’t know how you have been performing on Maria’s (my boss!!) side but as far as the operations side, my side is concerned,  I give you the highest marks. You had a steep learning curve but I know you have a good grasp of operations now.”

 

I wanted to tell her that I am getting pretty good marks from Maria as well but again, I shut my mouth and let her talk. I’d hate to interrupt the flow of words  affirming me.  (LOL)

 

“You have been a lot of help to my team.  And so I feel that you should get the commensurate salary. And our cost center can handle that.”

 

I smiled again. I think I couldn’t smile wide enough. 

 

“I like working with you and your team as well.” I said softly.  I was so poised, I must say. 

 

But inside of me???

 

YESSSSSSS!  ALRIGHT!  WAHOOOOOO!! THANK YOU GOD!  My spirit was doing the dance of joy.

 

“So I will make sure I give Maria my evaluation, solicited or unsolicited. And recommend to make the adjustment.”

 

I almost didn’t hear her with all the revelry in my head.

 

I said enthusiastically, “I am sure she wouldn’t mind unsolicited!!”

 

We both laughed.

 

It was lunch time.  Her phone rang  “Hello!  Yes, Melissa I will be there.”

 

“Don’t just think about leaving yet” she said as she opens the door for me.

 

I floated towards my workstation.

 

I know that Jovy  usually spends lunch with Melissa, her close friend at the office. I am also sure that I will be one of their topics over lunch.  Good!  Go ahead.  Talk about me. 

 

Melissa happens to be the HR Manager. 

 

There was nothing to tie Jovy to her words.  She could easily forget today’s conversation. (but i will be sure to remind her hehehe).  This may sound corny but her words were reward enough.  Her words filled my heart.  

 

When my nerves have settled, I realize that next year is still a looong time coming and for a few moments wished that the adjustment will happen within the year.  (Dapat first quarter pa nangyari ito eh! Growl.)

 

Still, for the next two days, this song (culled from Psalm 23) rings in my head:

 

“Lord, Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life

I’m surrounded with the favor of the Lord

Always and forever.”

  

Day three and the song still plays inside me.  :P

From within

I have been getting the same questions about my mother and I have been giving a standard reply.

 

“Not good.”

 

That about sums it up. 

 

Some of them give a follow up question and I give my standard follow up answer.

 

“She lost a lot of weight.”

 

And losing more by the day, I want to add.

 

Once in a while, when time permits, I give a little more update about her condition or share an anecdote about my recent conversations with  my mother. 

 

But rarely do I get asked this.

 

“How are you?”

 

Maybe because some think that it is a ridiculous question that doesn’t merit an answer. Maybe because some find it uncomfortable to ask a question that is too personal.  Maybe a few think that I didn’t want that question asked. 

 

I think maybe they are right.  I don’t want to deal with that question.

 

I don’t even want to know how I am or how I am coping with the idea of losing my mother only a year after losing my father.  In fact, I rarely ask myself any question. 

 

No, I have not numbed myself.  I can feel the wealth of emotion just beneath the calm and controlled exterior.  I just refuse to let vulnerability creep in because I might not be able to keep a lid on it. 

 

So I protect this wall, making sure all cracks are covered up.  During unguarded moments, it may not matter who is in front of me.  I just might let the wall cave in and allow the rivers of emotions flow.

 

One thing though, I haven’t had an unguarded moment since January last year.  Only before God in prayer have I let my control down.  But even that takes so much effort.

 

The feelings are too profound.  No words can be enough.

 

Recently, a friend asked me the standard question and I gave the standard set of answers.  We were on a train en route to a Manila so the moment allowed us to talk some more.

 

What my friend didn’t know was, those thoughts only dawned on me as I say the words.

 

“I think that is why I didn’t want to do anything or to go into anything new. ”

 

Dealing with the pain of a dying parent is too big a deal that I try to protect the status quo in an attempt to lessen the impending blow.  It was my last vestige of control.  I just wanted all other things to remain unchanged.  I don’t want to rock the boat when the waves are already strong enough to tip it over.

 

My friend understood, I think. 

 

Although I am aware that it is pointless to take control, I suppose that it is my attempt to cope with grief. 

 

So if you want to know how I am – -- ?

 

Let me just say this.

 

I am deeply sad.  I am angry as well.

 

Maybe if you look hard enough and if you are quick enough, you will see that flash  of sad look in my eyes.  Maybe if you listen well enough, you will hear the sad tone behind the funny rejoinders, the brief silence after a laughter.

 

I guess I prefer it this way.  Let us go on with our usual and at times mundane conversations.

 

And just let me grieve in private.

Blue sky holiday

The phrase that caught my attention as I learn the words to Daniel Powter's song, Bad Day.
Okay, it is a song about having a bad day so you probably have an idea of how negative the lyrics go.

For a song about bad days, this one may just lift your spirits. It is kinda danceable. I like its upbeat melody.

I don't watch American Idol, but i was told that this song serves as the background each time one idol wannabee gets booted out.
It has been enjoying airplay for several months, its sustained popularity attributed to American Idol, I guess.

You need a blue sky holiday, goes Powter.

Ah yes, I do.

But i have this self-imposed rule not to go out of town for long periods of time.

Long period as in two to three days.

I am sticking to this rule.

-----

A few days ago, the sky darkened and for a while, the city got a reprieve from the heat.
I love the rainy season (except when i need to go out). And I can't wait for the sound of rain.
The extreme heat made me wish for the rains to come.

Today, I woke up to a dark sky and cooler breeze. Yess!
Tropical storm Caloy visits the country, ushering in the rainy season.

There goes my blue sky holiday.