624 U/ml.
My heart sank as I stared at my mother’s latest CA125 lab result. Three months back (after her sixth chemo), we had an encouraging 45 U/ml from a pre-chemo count of 4000 U/ml.
The cancer cells do not waste time, I thought. A few days ago, my sister sent me a message. “She has to undergo chemotherapy again.”
The cancer cells are active, says the doctor. In my heart, I wished he said, “cancer is in remission” instead.
Three months. She only had three months of reprieve from the effects of the potent medicines. Now, she goes back to the hospital and takes in doses of chemo again. Will her body respond as positively as the last cycle? Can her body sustain another round of strong medications?
I think my mind went blank when I got the confirmation of my mother’s next cycle of chemotherapy. The same blank feeling I got each time I hear updates of my father’s condition during the two days that he was in ICU. (that was just a few months back!)
But in the privacy of my room, I give myself a chance to feel, to cry. To release the heaviness and take in fresh doses of strength. The next few months will be times of … what..? I really don’t know. Day by day. Morning by morning, I just need to take things one at a time. Each day, we are given grace that is sufficient for today . Admittedly, there are certain moments that I lose composure and go through moments of doubting. But I remember a verse from the Bible: “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”. No one really. Tomorrow is another day. I cling tightly to God’s comforting arms. I brace myself.
Postscript: We actually got news of my mother’s latest tumor marker test (CA 125) a few weeks back. I guess, I try hard to make myself feel that things are simply routine. Many times I wish that my days will just take usual ho-hum route. My form of denial. But no, life is far from routine.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Huh?!
Check out an email message from my boss addressed to her entire team:
Guys,
I just wanted to recognize JC and RB for being awarded the XXX Company Bottoms award.
This award is given to the XXX employees who under-perform on an annual basis. Their underwhelming performance did not go un-noticed.
Let’s applaud JC and RB for their accomplishments.
Congratulations and keep up the poor work!
To which one of the team members replies: "Let my people GOOOO!"
I am not really sure what is going on. Some joke I am not privy to. I get the feeling that I am the only one in the dark over this. Maybe, I will ask Maria. This is the thing with globalization. You call 'team mates' people who are half a world away with Microsoft Outlook as your only link. Maria's anecdotes about the team in the US gave me a picture of a pretty tight and happy team. They are very generous with their praises, Maria especially (maybe because she is of Latin descent). I would love to know the story behind this email. (sigh ..sigh..)
Maria expressed her desire and intention to make me feel that I am part her team, never mind the distance that separates me from all of them.
"Just drop me or anyone of us an email anytime." was her last instruction before we ended the call.
"You know, Maria. You really should bring me to New York. Wouldn't a team building activity bring us all together? What do you think? ", I said to her.
-------
No, I didn't. HA! But what a thought, huh?
Guys,
I just wanted to recognize JC and RB for being awarded the XXX Company Bottoms award.
This award is given to the XXX employees who under-perform on an annual basis. Their underwhelming performance did not go un-noticed.
Let’s applaud JC and RB for their accomplishments.
Congratulations and keep up the poor work!
To which one of the team members replies: "Let my people GOOOO!"
I am not really sure what is going on. Some joke I am not privy to. I get the feeling that I am the only one in the dark over this. Maybe, I will ask Maria. This is the thing with globalization. You call 'team mates' people who are half a world away with Microsoft Outlook as your only link. Maria's anecdotes about the team in the US gave me a picture of a pretty tight and happy team. They are very generous with their praises, Maria especially (maybe because she is of Latin descent). I would love to know the story behind this email. (sigh ..sigh..)
Maria expressed her desire and intention to make me feel that I am part her team, never mind the distance that separates me from all of them.
"Just drop me or anyone of us an email anytime." was her last instruction before we ended the call.
"You know, Maria. You really should bring me to New York. Wouldn't a team building activity bring us all together? What do you think? ", I said to her.
-------
No, I didn't. HA! But what a thought, huh?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Disoriented
Monday at half past seven in the evening. I wear a satisfied smile on my face while I attach the excel file and type in a summary of the report. I felt pretty good about the report I have put together for my boss. As I click the ‘send’ button, a surge of eagerness washed over me. I can't wait to discuss this one with her tomorrow, I thought.
During my initial meeting with Maria (my boss), we agreed to have biweekly phone calls, with or without any deliverables. Being managed by a superior located halfway across the globe is quite difficult without the regular updates and yes, some small talk.
Tomorrow, is our next scheduled call.
Anyways, the next day, 9am. I dial her number and I hear her machine. I leave a quick message to tell her I will call in ten minutes. Maybe she is having dinner with her husband, I thought. Ten minutes later, I call again. Still, the machine picked up my call. I leave a second message. Hmmm. This is unusual. Absentmindedly, I check my calendar and - Oh no!! I thought in dismay. Then ended up laughing aloud. By myself. Imagine how that looked.
……..….
Oh yes, I called a day earlier! I should call her Wednesday, 9am. (Tuesday 8pm EST). Arrgh! I scolded myself, “you have been calling her Wednesday mornings for the past three months, why get confused after all this time?” My answer, “ I don’t know. Tao lang. ( I am only human).”
I drop Maria an email, apologized for the confusion and promised to call tomorrow.
I am just relieved she didn’t pick up the call herself! Not that she will get angry or anything. She’ll probably laugh but … I cringe at the thought.
The rest of my Tuesday was uneventful after that. In this case, I’d take uneventful anytime!!
During my initial meeting with Maria (my boss), we agreed to have biweekly phone calls, with or without any deliverables. Being managed by a superior located halfway across the globe is quite difficult without the regular updates and yes, some small talk.
Tomorrow, is our next scheduled call.
Anyways, the next day, 9am. I dial her number and I hear her machine. I leave a quick message to tell her I will call in ten minutes. Maybe she is having dinner with her husband, I thought. Ten minutes later, I call again. Still, the machine picked up my call. I leave a second message. Hmmm. This is unusual. Absentmindedly, I check my calendar and - Oh no!! I thought in dismay. Then ended up laughing aloud. By myself. Imagine how that looked.
……..….
Oh yes, I called a day earlier! I should call her Wednesday, 9am. (Tuesday 8pm EST). Arrgh! I scolded myself, “you have been calling her Wednesday mornings for the past three months, why get confused after all this time?” My answer, “ I don’t know. Tao lang. ( I am only human).”
I drop Maria an email, apologized for the confusion and promised to call tomorrow.
I am just relieved she didn’t pick up the call herself! Not that she will get angry or anything. She’ll probably laugh but … I cringe at the thought.
The rest of my Tuesday was uneventful after that. In this case, I’d take uneventful anytime!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
New Snow
Look, look out on the trees
Well, from here it looks like crystal
Shining in the breeze
Look, look out on the land
Well it finally looks like winter
So just reach out your hand and --
Feel the new snow falling softly 'round me
a second chance to make things alright
Like a new love calling
New snow is falling
Just outside my window tonight
It is an excerpt from the song New Snow by Flim and the BBs**.
It is a ballad that talks not just about saying goodbye but also of hope and new beginnings.
Let us just say that this old song came to mind (and became my anthem) with Colin, one my friends and constant companions at the office, deciding to move on to another company. Yes, another fixture in my work life off the shelf!
The song speaks of footprints disappearing into the new snow. I think of the footprints of people who have walked my way and have moved on to different paths. I think of the footprints of those that continue to walk my way.
I also see some footprints going a certain way…I look down, pause, turn and deliberately take a different direction. Yes, sometimes, we do need to take stock of things and choose which footprints we want to see right beside our own.
I think of the path ahead of me. And though I haven't seen snow, I think of the song, beautifully accompanied by piano and saxophone. Then, I imagine looking out the window, reaching out my hand and feeling a certain new breeze embrace me.
**The more popular and commercial version is from Michael Ruff, i think.
Well, from here it looks like crystal
Shining in the breeze
Look, look out on the land
Well it finally looks like winter
So just reach out your hand and --
Feel the new snow falling softly 'round me
a second chance to make things alright
Like a new love calling
New snow is falling
Just outside my window tonight
It is an excerpt from the song New Snow by Flim and the BBs**.
It is a ballad that talks not just about saying goodbye but also of hope and new beginnings.
Let us just say that this old song came to mind (and became my anthem) with Colin, one my friends and constant companions at the office, deciding to move on to another company. Yes, another fixture in my work life off the shelf!
The song speaks of footprints disappearing into the new snow. I think of the footprints of people who have walked my way and have moved on to different paths. I think of the footprints of those that continue to walk my way.
I also see some footprints going a certain way…I look down, pause, turn and deliberately take a different direction. Yes, sometimes, we do need to take stock of things and choose which footprints we want to see right beside our own.
I think of the path ahead of me. And though I haven't seen snow, I think of the song, beautifully accompanied by piano and saxophone. Then, I imagine looking out the window, reaching out my hand and feeling a certain new breeze embrace me.
**The more popular and commercial version is from Michael Ruff, i think.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Somebody's gotta do it
“Hello.” came the curt greeting from the other line.
“Hello, Lito. Are you ready for lunch?” I said cheerfully.
Before he could reply, “Wait a second. Are you going to be bad company today? You sound sad again. Please, can we talk about happier things? Please..?” He has been grouchy since beginning of the week and I can’t stand another day being at the receiving end of this whining. Again.
“I can’t help it. There is just something that Anne (Anne is one of his team members) said … "
“You know, I think I’ll have indigestion if we spend an hour of negativity,” I said sweetly. “Oh please can we talk about other things over lunch, please? I won’t like you as my lunchmate if you give me another round of those complaints. Only happy thoughts. This one time?” The sugary tone didn’t escape him.
“Okay,” he says with a sigh.
I relented. “Okay, I give you 15 minutes tops to let it out and that is it.”
“No. I promise. No complaining this time.” Happily, i put down the phone proceeded to the 8th floor cafeteria.
When I met him at 8th floor, I saw Anne with him and we spend an hour free of office issues that usually dampen their moods. But our new topic leaves a lot to be desired as well. (sigh) I prefer to keep it at that.
Four hours later, Lito calls me up for snacks. This time, with Colin. Still no complaints (yess..) but his face was morose and at one point, he bowed his head and rested his cheek on the table. Colin and I looked at each other, with questions in our eyes.
There are a lot of times when I do prefer not to have Lito join us for meals. He tests my patience. Whining has become his bad habit.
But I felt a wave of compassion for the guy.
“Cheer up. Lito.” With a defeated sigh, I said, “ Okay, let’s hear them.”
Without hesitation, he begins a litany of his office angst. We listen patiently. After he was done with his monologue, it was my (and Colin’s) turn to speak. We gave him harsh but honest words. Some were reminders. Others were corrections.
We gave him hard questions. He was quietly nodding his head. I just hope he realizes that Colin and I sincerely want to help him see things in a different perspective.
I don’t know how much of what we said really hit home. We did our part. The rest is up to him.
“Hello, Lito. Are you ready for lunch?” I said cheerfully.
Before he could reply, “Wait a second. Are you going to be bad company today? You sound sad again. Please, can we talk about happier things? Please..?” He has been grouchy since beginning of the week and I can’t stand another day being at the receiving end of this whining. Again.
“I can’t help it. There is just something that Anne (Anne is one of his team members) said … "
“You know, I think I’ll have indigestion if we spend an hour of negativity,” I said sweetly. “Oh please can we talk about other things over lunch, please? I won’t like you as my lunchmate if you give me another round of those complaints. Only happy thoughts. This one time?” The sugary tone didn’t escape him.
“Okay,” he says with a sigh.
I relented. “Okay, I give you 15 minutes tops to let it out and that is it.”
“No. I promise. No complaining this time.” Happily, i put down the phone proceeded to the 8th floor cafeteria.
When I met him at 8th floor, I saw Anne with him and we spend an hour free of office issues that usually dampen their moods. But our new topic leaves a lot to be desired as well. (sigh) I prefer to keep it at that.
Four hours later, Lito calls me up for snacks. This time, with Colin. Still no complaints (yess..) but his face was morose and at one point, he bowed his head and rested his cheek on the table. Colin and I looked at each other, with questions in our eyes.
There are a lot of times when I do prefer not to have Lito join us for meals. He tests my patience. Whining has become his bad habit.
But I felt a wave of compassion for the guy.
“Cheer up. Lito.” With a defeated sigh, I said, “ Okay, let’s hear them.”
Without hesitation, he begins a litany of his office angst. We listen patiently. After he was done with his monologue, it was my (and Colin’s) turn to speak. We gave him harsh but honest words. Some were reminders. Others were corrections.
We gave him hard questions. He was quietly nodding his head. I just hope he realizes that Colin and I sincerely want to help him see things in a different perspective.
I don’t know how much of what we said really hit home. We did our part. The rest is up to him.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A price I willingly paid
Sure, I just came from a ten-day off from work. Sure, two days of that were spent recovering from a cold virus that almost ruined the rest of my vacation. Sure, a day before my long break, six of Chris’ (the guy I share the room with in the office) staff were tasked (by my boss) to ‘assist’ me so I can complete my deliverables. (Yep, I will complete them upon my return. Isn’t my boss the coolest?!)
But their help came with a price. Rey, together with the two other guys in the team teased me no end about buying them merienda… What a naughty, rowdy trio.. They feign a cough while saying “pizza! pizza!”. They give me melodramatic lines about how they need to squeeze in this extra job to fit into their hectic schedules. I thought to myself, oh dear, I kinda see myself in them. This is payback it seems. I am sometimes guilty of sweet talking my way to a freebie. Guys usually give in easily.
I held my ground. I laughed with them as they continued in their spiels. I smiled at them as they stepped out of the room, unsuccessful. Whew! It was difficult to refuse but I had a budget to think of given my long break. Okay, honestly, I just wanted to win that round. My competitive streak was on.
Day one of my return to the office. We hold a meeting to discuss issues. With Chris’ permission, I ask them to do one more simple thing which I know my boss will ask. Once again, the three guys (the three ladies were shy, it seems) began reciting the phone numbers of a pizza company and a burger chain. Over and over again. Now, that is new.
And where was Chris throughout this 'ordeal' ? Right there with us, quietly watching, smiling and wondering if and when i will give in to the pressure.
To their surprise, I said 'okay, go. snacks on me'. I handed Rey the money and suddenly, the three boys blushed! I laughed seeing them squirm in embarrassment. They didn’t expect my response. Three huge guys blushing Ha ha ha How adorable! They said they were just kidding. I said, sure you were.
When I get a freebie, I just clap with glee. No apologies. Maybe because they are boys, err men. And they just ripped off a lady… (umm..that would be moi) .. That, while calling me ma’am. The three ladies were less vocal but I see their potential.
Half an hour later, you see us in the pantry, gorging on pizza.
But their help came with a price. Rey, together with the two other guys in the team teased me no end about buying them merienda… What a naughty, rowdy trio.. They feign a cough while saying “pizza! pizza!”. They give me melodramatic lines about how they need to squeeze in this extra job to fit into their hectic schedules. I thought to myself, oh dear, I kinda see myself in them. This is payback it seems. I am sometimes guilty of sweet talking my way to a freebie. Guys usually give in easily.
I held my ground. I laughed with them as they continued in their spiels. I smiled at them as they stepped out of the room, unsuccessful. Whew! It was difficult to refuse but I had a budget to think of given my long break. Okay, honestly, I just wanted to win that round. My competitive streak was on.
Day one of my return to the office. We hold a meeting to discuss issues. With Chris’ permission, I ask them to do one more simple thing which I know my boss will ask. Once again, the three guys (the three ladies were shy, it seems) began reciting the phone numbers of a pizza company and a burger chain. Over and over again. Now, that is new.
And where was Chris throughout this 'ordeal' ? Right there with us, quietly watching, smiling and wondering if and when i will give in to the pressure.
To their surprise, I said 'okay, go. snacks on me'. I handed Rey the money and suddenly, the three boys blushed! I laughed seeing them squirm in embarrassment. They didn’t expect my response. Three huge guys blushing Ha ha ha How adorable! They said they were just kidding. I said, sure you were.
When I get a freebie, I just clap with glee. No apologies. Maybe because they are boys, err men. And they just ripped off a lady… (umm..that would be moi) .. That, while calling me ma’am. The three ladies were less vocal but I see their potential.
Half an hour later, you see us in the pantry, gorging on pizza.
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