When the heart hurts

I was watching one of my favorite shows when one line from one of the lead characters floored me. It went something like this -

“I am not just sad. I am broken.”

I blinked to fight the tears. Exactly how I feel.

I recently had a bitter argument with someone who means a lot to me. Sadly, I still don’t have the strength to confront the situation and mend the relationship.

Thinking about the strained relationship gives me a hollow feeling. A deep sadness. A certain brokenness. Writing about it still makes me cry.

Last weekend, I get a text message from a friend. “ I hope you can find a way to make things right…”

I am sure things will normalize but at this point, some pieces of my broken whole may take a while to find. And may take awhile to put back together.

I don’t go about my day long-faced and grouchy. I manage a genuine smile and give a hearty laugh every so often.

But sometimes, I do flash a smile that never reaches my eyes. Maybe sometimes, for a brief moment, I look down to hide a pained expression triggered by a memory.

"The mighty God will not despise
The contrite heart for sacrifice;
The deep-fetched sigh, the secret groan,
Rises accepted to the throne.
He meets, with tokens of his grace,
The trembling lip, the blushing face;
His bowels yearn when sinners pray;
And mercy bears their sins away.
When filled with grief, o'erwhelmed with shame;
He, pitying, heals their broken frame;
He hears their sad complaints, and spies
His image in their weeping eyes."