Fear is the factor

The bedroom lights are off but thanks to the light from the lamp post outside, I slowly grope my way to the bed, not wanting to disturb my roommate.

 

Then I hear it.  That buzz.  My senses turned full mode. Without any glasses on, I can see that slowly moving dark shadow on our screen window.  I run for the light switch and there it is --- a cockroach. 

 

I shudder.  Eeww.

 

My roommate is sound asleep and so are my housemates in the other room.

 

My heart thuds. I am all alone.  I heave a sigh.

 

I got the bedroom slippers and raise my hand poised to take a swat at that terrifying little creature before it decides to fly and scare the living daylights out of me. 

 

But here is the thing.  My hand is ready to attack but my feet aren’t.  I was standing a good six feet from the window. Hahahaha   Pa cute.

 

So I do the next courageous thing. 

 

I whisper a cry  “ Shawieee..”  (my roommate).

 

She mumbles…Hmmm? 

 

So much for not wanting to disturb her.  Desperate moments do call for desperate measures.

 

“If I try to kill that cockroach, it will fall on your bed.”   I sounded so brave and heroic.  And concerned.  LOL!! I almost convinced myself with that line. 

 

Translation:  “Shawie, may ipis, paki patay!”

 

“Wh ..where?”  she asks, half asleep.

 

I point towards the window near her bed and without hesitation, she picks up her slippers and kills that ---- ugly creature. 

 

And Shawie falls back to sleep.   When I have finally settled in my bed.  I thought to myself,  that seemed easy.  Whew!

 

Okay, I freeze with fear each time I see a cockroach.  Something must have happened in my childhood for me to have an unusual fear. 

 

I even remember asking God to give me a husband who is not afraid of cockroaches so that he will kill them for me.  Seriously!! I want to make sure I have someone in the house who is not afraid to kill roaches.   Fine, I have ended lives of roaches in the past but only after much planning and sweating. And running away.   Killing a cockroach is exhausting.

 

“You have to buy a swatter and practice”, Shawie lectures a few days later. 

 

I ask, A swatter? That is not going to kill a roach?!

 

“It won’t, but at least, it will become weak and fall to the floor.  Then go for the kill.”

 

Ohhhh Kadiri.

 

Overcome your fear.  Face your fear goes the mantra.

 

I have faced a few fears in my life.

 

But facing this one gives me goosebumps.

 

Pass muna. 

Put your records on

My song of the moment. 

 

Jazzy, funky plus something else. That "head-nodding beat". And a blues ring to it.

 

It has been awhile since I last bought a CD. 

 

Until I saw this very simple video of a girl leisurely riding a bike with her girl friends.  I liked her outfit and her Afro ' do.

 

And her voice!!  Wow!

 

She sings with such ease.  Very laid back. Very cool.

 

And so I buy her CD. My first purchase after a looong while.  Well worth it.

 

I like most of the songs in the eleven-track album.  Other than Put your records on, I like Enchantment, Trouble sleeping and Breathless. 

 

Her name is Corinne Bailey Rae. UK's latest find.

 

I put my feet up and chill to her sound.

 

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

 

She finds her rest

June 15, five o'clock in the afternoon.   I stare out from the window of the van as it smoothly speeds along North Luzon Expressway.

 

Only half an hour earlier, we said our goodbyes to our cousins in Pampanga and headed for Manila.  One hour more before we reach home.

 

Home. Sixty minutes.  I need to do some planning, I thought. It had to be a productive ride. So I begin a mental mapping of my to do's........

 

...........

 

Nothing.

 

Who am I kidding?  My brain is in condition to do heavy thinking.  My mind is tired.  My body is tired.

 

And my heart is beyond tired.

 

So I decide to just stare at the steady traffic of cars, trucks, buses... The rest of the world moves on but mine just had to stop for a while. 

 

Early that morning, we brought our mother to her resting place.  Beside our father.  My mother passed away June 10 early morning, eight days before her  62nd birthday, after 18 months of fierce battle with cancer.  She was a strong and determined fighter. Barely having a chance to mourn over her husband's death, she decides to focus on overcoming this cruel disease. To the very end, her children helped her with her fight. What a long, painful battle for all of us.

 

Now, I feel the full impact of losing both parents.  What an empty, hollow feeling.  You feel tired but the sadness numbs your entire body. The sadness is so profound that you can't express it.

 

Last Sunday, we celebrated her birthday.  Which also falls on Father's Day.  Amazing how my parents still seem to do things together even after they have left us.

 

"Now she won't feel the pain anymore."  What a cliche but it does bring us the greatest comfort.

 

It is time to rest, Ma.  Don't worry about us.  We're in good Hands.

 

 

I close the day with a song

Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

 

The Long Day is Over by Norah Jones

 

Postscript:

 

Tense shoulders.  Tired eyes.

Two 11-hour work days. It is only Tuesday.

My Wednesday is spared but my Thursday is not.

I wonder how Friday will go.