Choices, risks and relationships

Recently, I had this contentious discussion with a friend about his take on attached women whom he finds appealing. He was candid enough to admit that there are occasions where he would search for means to express his interest on the girl to find out if he stands a chance. We had quite a lengthy discussion on a guy’s attempts to poach on someone’s preserves. (The discussion was especially difficult because we were talking via SMS!)

We actually had one lady in mind, a pretty colleague of his who happens to be attached. He has had this crush on her the moment he laid eyes on her. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked him what he would do if he finds out that the girl finds him attractive as well. He says, he would try to see if it is possible to ask her out, boyfriend notwithstanding. His response is what, I believe, typically male although there are guys who might say otherwise, having firm belief on disengaging from such complicated set up.

His message goes something like this --Some women are afraid of being alone that is why my attempt to ask her out is a message that I am option to take in case she is unhappy with the current boyfriend. I thought to myself, this is so chauvinistic and calculating!

I wonder, how many women are in relationships right now just because there is no one else in the horizon?. and how many men are in similar predicament? I am in no position to make judgments on the choices people make. We all have our own measures of what makes us happy in a relationship. Is settling so bad? Or is waiting for the right person worth it? Would I rather be with someone that I am not passionately committed to than spend my Valentine’s days on my own? Is it so bad to stick it out with a boyfriend yet still keeping your eyes open for other possibilities? Would ending a so-so relationship and facing an uncertain future unattached be worth the risk? When men present themselves as an option, what do they actually mean? How can you tell if the bold move of a guy towards a girl to make his presence felt is a mere passing fancy, a test of machismo, an egotistical whim to add to his conquests, a genuine desire to know the girl of his liking or an offer of something better and lasting? So many questions…

I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over.
I want to know right now, what would it be?
I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be..
Sorry?

A song by Paula Cole of the Dawson’s Creek fame. This song made me see my friend’s point of view. I am all for expressing your feelings for someone rather than keeping it to yourself. In that regard, I support his move to let this lady know how much he likes her. I do have reservations on some of his viewpoints which I’d rather not expound on.

It is not far fetched that the lady might like him too. It is not a crime to find someone attractive other than your boyfriend. It is not uncommon to have other male friends that you’d like to hang with once in a while, a little space in the relationship wouldn’t hurt. And I suppose having other male friends would allow any girl to gauge his level of commitment to her man. He says, If the girl is really happy with the current relationship then all she has to do is say ‘No’ to his advances. Ahh, the game men and women play. And I must say, I admire my friend for his honesty. And if painted a picture of an unfeeling guy, that would be far from the truth. He is a nice person and I believe, takes his commitments seriously. It will just be a matter of time until he finds that someone.

Bottomline, being in a relationship is a risk. It is step of faith in the person you choose to commit to. One day, you might meet someone else you are extremely drawn to. At such time, it will be wise to remember why you chose to be in your current relationship.

And yes, being out of a committed relationship is a risk as well. It makes you vulnerable to a lot of judgments and questions from a society where being single and unattached sticks out like a sore thumb.