A morning waker upper

“Hi. How are you?” says the text message I got one morning. It is a new number.

I reply. “Hi. Sorry. You seem to have changed your number. May I know who this is please.”

Seconds later, “Well, I used to have a crush on you but not anymore because I am a married man. Remember now?”

Uh oh. I still can’t. A lot of my male friends are married and (modesty aside), I recall some of them taking a fancy to me. I smiled to myself.

“There are several of you. Hahahaha” was my reply.

“You haven’t changed. Same sense of humor and confidence. So how are you?”

“I still need to know who this is first please.” I asked.

“Hint……” He gave me a list of unrelated things. A cake, a bag, a blouse, etc

“So you get it now?” he asks again.

Oh no! I still can’t. I thought to myself. Did he give me these stuff? I can recall this guy giving me a blouse years ago. But the rest he mentioned, I have no recollection.
And I wanted him to tell me…Why can’t he just tell me who he is?

I had to stop the guessing game. “I am sorry, I really can’t recall.”

Oh I hope I don’t offend him. Minutes passed. I got worried. I think I offended him. Finally, I decide to call a friend who I believe has the most updated list of phone numbers. I ask if she knows the phone number. So, I was right. It was the guy who gave me the blouse.

Then I got another message.
“You must have forgotten already. Anyway, that was a long time ago.”

So then I sent a reply. “If it is that black blouse..it is Al, right? But I would have remembered if you gave me a bag. Maybe you gave Rose that bag when you were courting her. Tsk tsk you are getting your gifts mixed up. Hehehe”

Al, Rose and I used to kid a lot about those times when Al was ‘befriending’ me then a year or two later, transferred his affection to Rose and then when we were all working, he decides to pursue me again. Now he is married to Elly, a very nice lady whom I met in Baguio. Funny how things happen. I met Elly long before Al met her.

Then he replied. “Nope. I gave you a bag. Those memories I retain. Hehehe”
Then for a few more minutes we continued to exchange messages, giving updates on each other’s lives. I haven’t seen this guy and his wife in a while. I realize, I miss the company of these people. Maybe it is time to set aside time and get together, stir up parts of the past and laugh about them.

More than a thousand words

Yesterday is orientation day. I spend a little over an hour with each team manager of the Estimates group to help me understand the entire work process. As one coming from the commercial side of the company’s business, I found the production (the backend) side interesting. The entire walk though requires me to hop from one workstation to the next as each one shows me what they do and how each unit impacts the other.

The orientation enabled me to learn a bit about what they do but I think I got a little more than that.

I got glimpses of who they are and what they value.

Their desks, walls and dividers are heaving with photos of loved ones, each nook and cranny stocked with mementos.

I know that Ellen is married to a cute husband and has an adorable baby boy. Mon loves to travel, met former President Aquino and is quite close to his family. I think the other photo is his girlfriend. Julie on the other hand, has two kids, a pretty little girl (around three) and a baby boy. Her little girl probably loves Dora the explorer and Winnie the Pooh.

Rey’s desk gave me the most telling picture. He has a girlfriend (a colleague from another department), graduated from one of the oldest institutions in the country , a member of the university’s basketball team, and has two beautiful dogs. On the left side of his cubicle shows pictures of pretty models/celebrities. (I only recognize Elizabeth Hurley). Atop his 21-inch monitor is a photo of his significant other and pictures of his two dogs. He loves the movie League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. On the long side table are two basketballs serving as his centerpiece.

I tried to recall the other stuff I saw on their desks but there are just too many. Suffice to say, their workspaces have become an extension of home, a window deliberately opened so that people from outside looking in (like myself) can take a peek inside their private world.

Having moved to a new work area, I have been thinking about how I can spruce up my space. I have misgivings about putting a lot of personal stuff on my desk though. It has always been that way for me. I guess it is symbolic of how I prefer to keep my personal life separate from work. And I can’t recall ever bringing home anything work related (that is why company-provided laptops do not excite me).

I am not much into pictures or some fancy table ornament on my office desk. The only photos I considered displaying are those of my two baby nephews, 2-year old Yui and and one year old Johann. I am absolutely in love with these two boys. Crazy I may be about them, the most I could do is to use their pictures as my screen saver. Other than Yui and Johann, pictures of loved ones (even a significant other) are displayed in my bedroom or yes, my wallet.

Bottomline, some aspects of my private life, I prefer to keep closer to my heart. I do excitedly open myself up to people and share my private side not in symbols or pictures but with stories I share.

A desk calendar, pen holder. Those are two accessories on my desk. The rest I keep in my drawer. One look around my work area, I know just the right thing to add.

A flower plant. Sunflower would be perfect. Right by the sun-kissed glass window.

After the third day

I deliberately delayed making an entry about the saga on my new work area, my room. From the moment I agreed to share the room (weeks before i officially joined the team), I see a constantly evolving layout which confuse not just the Admin and TechOps people but most of all, me.

Monday, I learn that my supposed room mate changed her mind and would rather stay in her current area. (but it was her idea in the first place!). Tuesday, I was advised that I get the room to myself. Wednesday morning, I get an email that some other person will share my space.

Check out the email from the Group Head, addressed to me and our admin manager:

“Hope you don't mind another change of heart. Can you please hold off the re-arrangement of Drifter’s room? Chris (Instead of Mia) will be occupying the room. This is a temporary arrangement until Dec-Jan 2006 when the IFRS** peak is over.

Drifter, apologies for imposing on you again but I believe this tandem will have more value because you will be learning IFRS together with Chris.

Chris... maybe you can include Drifter in your calls with Gary and Maria.”

End of email.

Oohkaayy!

About an hour later, I see the TechOps guys wheeling a CPU, monitor and all other peripherals into the room. Whoa! That was quick. Doesn’t this usually take two to three days?

Where do we place the printer? The phone lines? You need two phone lines? Oh the cables will show?..Maybe we can put a tape so you wont trip on them? Oh but there is no port here.. The other phone line may take three days to set up. And on and on and on.

My former finance team mate and good friend, Lito helped me rearrange the furniture around so that I can maximize my space and be more comfortable.

One final look…Hmm ..Okay, I am satisfied. That is it.. I hope this is final. I don’t want to think about this anymore.

This is temporary I was told, but I doubt it. And at this point, it didn’t matter.

The new room mate is a nice guy. Chris. Well mannered and I like the sound of his voice. He is one of the Senior Team Managers of the group I will be supporting. Now, I have someone to talk to. And he helped me get the files that I would need. He is almost a vegetarian, goes to the gym and likes music. I think we will get along. (Yep, I learned all that from him in half an hour)

Do you smoke? He asks.

Nope, I don’t... Uh oh.

That is the minor thing I need to deal with, every so often, the room gets this faint scent of cigarette.

This morning, I receive a very apt text message from an angel. I got this seconds after I read the email from Jovy, the Group Head. Lifted from the Book of Psalms:

“I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul like a weaned child with its mother. Like a weaned child is my soul within me…”

I can really quiet myself in God’s secure presence. I clean up my desk and ready myself for home. I give my see you tomorrow! line to Chris with a smile.

It is all good.

_____________________
**International Financial Reporting Standards

My Brad

Last night, I dreamt I was married to Brad Pitt!! Beat that!! And my dream was in full color. I remember the color of shirt he was wearing. In my dream, he is so sweet and caring. Nope. No X-rated scenes in my dream. Quite wholesome. He was just smiling and looking at me. Wahuu!

Then, Angelina Jolie was there. I remember her blue, figure forming dress.
But my Brad didn't pay any attention to her. Sorry Jennifer A.
I got the better one.
Then, I wake up. Reluctantly.

Choices, risks and relationships

Recently, I had this contentious discussion with a friend about his take on attached women whom he finds appealing. He was candid enough to admit that there are occasions where he would search for means to express his interest on the girl to find out if he stands a chance. We had quite a lengthy discussion on a guy’s attempts to poach on someone’s preserves. (The discussion was especially difficult because we were talking via SMS!)

We actually had one lady in mind, a pretty colleague of his who happens to be attached. He has had this crush on her the moment he laid eyes on her. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked him what he would do if he finds out that the girl finds him attractive as well. He says, he would try to see if it is possible to ask her out, boyfriend notwithstanding. His response is what, I believe, typically male although there are guys who might say otherwise, having firm belief on disengaging from such complicated set up.

His message goes something like this --Some women are afraid of being alone that is why my attempt to ask her out is a message that I am option to take in case she is unhappy with the current boyfriend. I thought to myself, this is so chauvinistic and calculating!

I wonder, how many women are in relationships right now just because there is no one else in the horizon?. and how many men are in similar predicament? I am in no position to make judgments on the choices people make. We all have our own measures of what makes us happy in a relationship. Is settling so bad? Or is waiting for the right person worth it? Would I rather be with someone that I am not passionately committed to than spend my Valentine’s days on my own? Is it so bad to stick it out with a boyfriend yet still keeping your eyes open for other possibilities? Would ending a so-so relationship and facing an uncertain future unattached be worth the risk? When men present themselves as an option, what do they actually mean? How can you tell if the bold move of a guy towards a girl to make his presence felt is a mere passing fancy, a test of machismo, an egotistical whim to add to his conquests, a genuine desire to know the girl of his liking or an offer of something better and lasting? So many questions…

I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over.
I want to know right now, what would it be?
I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be..
Sorry?

A song by Paula Cole of the Dawson’s Creek fame. This song made me see my friend’s point of view. I am all for expressing your feelings for someone rather than keeping it to yourself. In that regard, I support his move to let this lady know how much he likes her. I do have reservations on some of his viewpoints which I’d rather not expound on.

It is not far fetched that the lady might like him too. It is not a crime to find someone attractive other than your boyfriend. It is not uncommon to have other male friends that you’d like to hang with once in a while, a little space in the relationship wouldn’t hurt. And I suppose having other male friends would allow any girl to gauge his level of commitment to her man. He says, If the girl is really happy with the current relationship then all she has to do is say ‘No’ to his advances. Ahh, the game men and women play. And I must say, I admire my friend for his honesty. And if painted a picture of an unfeeling guy, that would be far from the truth. He is a nice person and I believe, takes his commitments seriously. It will just be a matter of time until he finds that someone.

Bottomline, being in a relationship is a risk. It is step of faith in the person you choose to commit to. One day, you might meet someone else you are extremely drawn to. At such time, it will be wise to remember why you chose to be in your current relationship.

And yes, being out of a committed relationship is a risk as well. It makes you vulnerable to a lot of judgments and questions from a society where being single and unattached sticks out like a sore thumb.

What a disturbing call..

The sound of my phone ringing pulled me out of my reverie. (yea, office hours and my mind is off somewhere…)

"Hey, It’s me….” Says the lady on the other line. It’s Etta, our supervisor who resigned weeks ago.

She didn’t mince words. “Do you like to go back to the investor relations type of job?”

“Huh?” Is she about to do something that I think she is about to do?

“I know that you have such experience. This is managerial post that I know fits your skill set.”

She went on and on about the requirements that she knows I possess. I t hink it is the type of work that I used to have. Financial analysis and reporting, investor relations management. I believe she said that she is now working for a multinational bank. But she hesitates to give me the name. I insisted, she relents. Ahh. Good company.

I tried giving her names of some current and ex employees of our company and rattled about their qualifications, a deliberate attempt to veer her away from moi.

“What about you?” she insisted. “You have the comprehensive resume that we require.”

“I am just about to move to another job, as you know.”

“How much?”. Whoa.

I didn’t say a word. I am about to update my resume and will send her next week, I said.

“Ah, but you are hesitating. You are not really interested.” she dared.

“Well, you barely gave me a background of the job.”

She attempts to enlighten me further but i wasn't satisfied. I don't think she is familiar with the job she mentions. Maybe she is calling in behalf of someone.

I ask, “if I give my resume and be scheduled for an interview, who would interview me.?”

“HR would go first of course” she replies.

I thought, I could have that interview with HR so I can get a clearer idea of the job she can't fully describe. It felt weird because she wanted me to say “Yes!” to something I vaguely understand.

So again I say, “ I will update my resume next week.”

She gives me her email address. What do you know, she gives me her yahoo address…Hmmm..

Finally, I ask the all-important question.

“Do you know to whom this post will report to?”

“To me.” Ahh…Good company. Possibly handsome pay. Do I want to work with her? Be directly under her supervision? How come she can't manage a clear description of the job?

A handsome pay alone does not a happy employee make. That much i know.

I must say, that call was a break off a humdrum Friday at the office.

Pensive me

Let me just share the lyrics of a song by Nickelcreek, Hanging by a thread. If I were to change the title, I’d make it Ironic.

Check out an excerpt of the song:

There is a kind of emptiness that can fill you.
There’s a kind of hunger that can eat you up.
There’s a cold and darker side of the moonlight.
And there is a lonely side of love.

There is a certain kind of pain that can numb you.
There’s a type of freedom that can tie you down.
Sometimes the unexplained can define you.
And sometimes silence is the only sound.

Profound lyrics, huh? Now, let me add some words of my own:

There is a kind of poverty that brings you riches
And a kind of weakness that gives you strength
There is a kind of rush that lingers
A kind of waiting you wish won't end.

There is a certain type of quiet that can be heard.
And a certain stillness that moves you further.
There is certain kind of shout you can only whisper.
And a certain gentle tug you must surrender.

Let me do this...please

If I were taking a test on patience, I wonder if I make the grade. At the risk of sounding, condescending, I believe I have been patient enough with this turnover process. I believe i have explained the reports well enough. But I don’t know. Maybe not.

Right this moment, the person taking over my workload is working on my computer, finishing a report that one of our bosses in HK is waiting for. Oh yeah. A few seconds ago, he made his third follow up call! I admit, it would have been easier if made the report myself but I can imagine how much queires I will get from her next month if she doesn’t do the report herself right now. So, this is the trade off. I feel I need to wait for her to finish while risking the ire of our boss.

So I decide to busy my hands by making this entry because my patience is almost wearing thin. I am almost overcome with frustration. I must make my own distractions. Otherwise...

The past days, I stay late and work closely with her, while trying so hard not to pressure her with the timeline. These past few days I constantly remind her of the deadlines, of the emails she is getting, the stuff she needs to look at, all the things a responsible, concerned employee who is leaving in a weeks time, must do.

Sometimes, I feel that she gets my explanations right and notes the items I highlight. But hours before submission, I doubt if connected with her at all.

The boss has called up thrice but she is sooo cool about it. That should be good, right? I mean, to be cool while knowing your boss is waiting for that report. Honestly, I hope she panics, even just a tiny bit. Or maybe because I do the panicking.

I tell her never mind the small amounts that is eating up her time just to tie up. But she ignores me completely! What is a girl to do?

The phone rings again and I let her pick up the phone to explain. She said fifteen minutes and you know what? Quarter of an hour has passed and she is still figuring out some little variance!

I try to calm myself. Okay, from her side of the universe, it must be tough absorbing all those information given a quick turnaround time. And she is working hard and painstakingly checks line by line by line. (She even corrects some of the figures i did from last month's report!).. So I soften a bit and finish this entry.

But I have decided on one thing…I will leave in 15 minutes. And I will make sure she submits before that.

There, my ranting stops. A tide of guilt comes in. Oh well, these feelings come with the territory.

Then it dawned on me, before this month ends I will be where she is right now, a neophyte trying to take in all sorts of information from someone who can do the job with her eyes closed.

Yikes!

Color me

When it comes to clothes, I love playing with colors. Thankfully, my skin tone allows me freedom to wear almost any shade I feel like wearing. I have the standard black, gray and navy blue blazers but I also have pink and yellow green suits neatly tucked away somewhere inside my cabinet. Tucked away? Because I haven’t worn them in three years!! (But they still fit me, hahaha. I needed to say that). A peek inside my closet reveals tops of varying hues and shades as well.

Alas! Poor colors have stereotypes: red is assigned to anger or passion even love while green is hope. Innocence and purity are unanimously given the color white . Black is assigned to grief or darkness. (if colors could talk, I think black will shout the loudest protest.) Pink is said to be love, fragility, femininity while blue is peace. Yellow is happiness. Purple is royalty. Orange is intelligence. The list is endless.

When I am in my spirits, I wear the brightest of colors to reflect the mood but when I am feeling the blues, my clothes would echo what’s inside. A lot of times though, I make a deliberate move to wear the color that is opposed to my emotions. Call it pretense, I call it privacy.

My inner world wears a gamut of colors as well. Its meanings defined by a dictionary all its own.

Today my inner world wears a certain color that I had the day before and the day prior, the day before that and even the day before that. On occasions, I try to don a different hue but find myself wearing this color again. I guess I have the freedom and the right to wear it without any explanation. (well, because I couldn’t give any). How long will I be wearing this color? I am not sure. I hope it can be sooner than later. In the meantime, let me wear it , making sure it doesn’t get the better of me. (fine, occasionally i let the my control slip)

Each day, my outer clothes carry varied hues but let me wear a hue of my own inside.

Call it pretense. I call it privacy.