Stepping out

My friends call it my “launching” and I cringe inside each time I hear it, not to mention, feel a little more ‘stressed’ as that day approaches. But then I realize, to launch means to embark on, to get underway, to take-off.

Exactly what I did.

This one thing that I reluctantly yet eagerly desire finally came to fruition. It happened through Songs from the Heart, a post valentine musical-talk show event sponsored by the QC Influencers International. The night is highlighted by four panelists who are in different stages of love and loving. They share valuable insights culled from their own experiences. In each phase of love, there will always be an apt song, and that is where yours truly come in.

Although I am aware and grateful for God’s gift of music, I have always preferred to keep it under wraps. I mean, how many requests to sing one song for a wedding have I evaded? I can remember giving in to four wedding occasions and refused more pleadings from brides-to-be.

Why? One word.

Fear.

The thought of standing in front of a crowd, with people looking and listening to me, intimidates. The thought of not meeting their expectation terrifies me.

What made me pursue it this time? One word.

Faith.

The faith of the people around me. Let me emphasize by saying, stubborn faith of friends. And yes, faith in the Source of this talent.

“Di lang pang videoke ang boses mo (Your voice is not just for videoke)..” I remember Grace (the most ‘stubborn’ of them all) saying to me.

Much as I know I can sing well, I have always believed that my voice would not be good enough for a special occasion. Sure, I have sung in a few weddings. Sure, I have received affirmations but inside of me, I still felt, that another singer can do better.

But then I know that the way of expressing thanks to God for his gifts is to use them. In increasing measure. To constantly step out of my comfort zone and … dare.

And so, ably accompanied by Wendell, the Influencers’ own version of Ryan Cayabyab, I took part in the ministry that I love.

I have two dreams in my heart -- to sing in front of a crowd and to be on radio.

One down. :D



PS
I am still on that natural high. (giggle giggle) I feel so good that I just might post some pictures.

Prayer in a song

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you, oh Jesus.
It's what i long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

-- BRIGHTEN MY HEART by Sixpence None the Richer

I feel ---

Frustrated - a cluttered room with just a few days to go before my landlord will find reason to knock the apartment door down and force me out of my place, unless of course, I pay for an extra month’s rent (which I won’t)

Upset - because four sets of 25 crunches each still send me bending sideways in pain. I only get unsympathetic grins and chuckles from the trainers at the gym. Gee, thanks.

Ridiculous – after reading an old journal that details some of confused emotions. Now if I were to talking to the “younger, less wise” me, I would probably knock myself on the head and say “Hello!!!!!!” But I realize that those foolish decisions gave me a stronger resolve on a lot of things. Oh, yeah I 'shredded' that journal with my bare hands. The cheapest therapy there is.

Refreshed – from powerful insights from the Word of God during Sunday service, just the message that I needed.

Excitedly nervous – over this wonderful opportunity to share a part of myself for a special gathering. This may need a separate entry.

Uneasy - given the major adjustment I will have to go through as I share a room (and an apartment) with three women. (will they kick me out if they hear one Mishka Adams song over and over again?)

Grateful – for the provision we received that will finance the next two chemotherapy sessions of my mother! God is amazing! Woohoo!

Eager – to present some plans I have drawn up at work to my boss. Now, if only we can find a way to finally have that much-delayed phone call.

Satisfied and thankful - I look at the mirror and say, "You have come a long way, girl."

And a long way to go.

My odd(?!) indulgence

It is one of my quirks. Listening to a song, (yes, ONE song) for hours!
An average of four hours each song is my conservative estimate.
Let me list down the songs that caught my fancy the past weeks.
I can only say “Thank God for earphones and the repeat button!”

God only knows by the Beach Boys
Save the last dance by Michael Buble’
Magnificent by Hillsong
Part of me, part of you by England Dan and John Ford Coley
Wouldn’t it be nice? by Beach Boys
Who am I? by Casting Crowns
Don’t love you no more by Craig David
Unbelievable by Craig David
Whenever wherever whatever by Maxell
Dream of me by Kirsten Dunst

Easy listening music, I dare say. I suggest you check them out. Listening to one song for several hours is not for everybody but the weird habit sure runs in our family.

Thoughts too random? I think not.

Without getting into the details, I know I got what I deserved when I learned of some information that I had no business knowing. In the words of my friend, James, “curiousity killed the cat”. Well, those were not his words really ..but umm…you know what I mean.

Life indeed is a race. Not a sprint but a long distance marathon. The journey is long and tiring. You face detours along the way. You come face to face with disappointments. You deal with a lot of frustrations. You feel that life is unfair because the course did not go the way you expected it.

You prepare well for the race but you forget to realize that all of the runners beside, behind or ahead of you prepared for the run as well.

In a marathon, sure there will be winners. Cliché it may be but finishing well makes the journey, with all its hurdles, worthwhile.

Once in a while, you might get distracted and spend a little too much time focusing on how badly or how well the other runners fare. But you must decide to keep on keeping on and stay on course. It will be wise to recall why you are running this course in the first place.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you bet the water bill is higher.

Months back, I came across this statement. I never forgot about it. I have been waiting for the opportune time to blog something about it. I guess, this is the time.

In your side of the fence is your own garden. You have your own wild grass to weed out and the most beautiful flowers to nurture. You have a landscape to think about. A landscape uniquely your own.

This is not supposed to be a blog entry that makes sense. So if you don’t understand what I am saying, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I clip my wings then wonder why..?

I skim over the inner pages of my favorite broadsheet when I saw the article on the latest batch of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs).

After a cursory glance at the picture of about ten men and women, all distinguished in their suits, I do my routine of checking out the names.

My eyes widened.

This time, I make deliberate look at the picture.

He looks older, I thought. Well, that was several years back so...Now he is a CFA….

He was one of the countless financial analysts I worked with. Worked with him for quite a while…

Analysts and bankers. Never was a day complete without having a meeting, an email or a phone call from at least one of them.

I remember the times when I would get a phone call from an analyst or an account manager urgently requesting for some information at the exact same time when my boss is breathing down my neck for some reports he needs for a board meeting. I shudder at the stressful thought.

But I remember CFA guy, with his mild manners and gentle voice and ..uh well, let us just say, he can bother me anytime. An irate boss preparing for a meeting, notwithstanding (lol). Just kidding.

I remember getting the third degree from my boss, DAM, for having a meeting with Mr cute-analyst-now-CFA in my work area.

“Those visitor’s chairs are not for outsiders. We have a conference room where you could hold meetings. Your work area has a lot of confidential information.”

Words to that effect. I apologized for the lack of judgement. I couldn’t possibly tell him I have this huge crush on this particular analyst to explain the oversight. Knowing DAM, he will call this guy and set up whatever meeting with him just to make sure he comes over on a regular basis. I will die of embarrassment.

I googled his name on the web. An idea I got from a blogger. Hmm.. He co-authored some research work on the Philippine economy. Although I have dipped my fingers into a slightly similar work, the topic still overwhelms me. I close my browser.

I wonder where he works now. Surely he is just here in Makati... I wonder if.....Maybe…

Nah.. Forget it.

Ohhh why my parents raised me this way I will never know. (LOL)

Ohhkay, fine. They raised me well.

Too well.. :D

As Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado's cover of Humperdinck's Quando quando quando fades. I close my itunes, turn off my PC and head for home.

Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando quando quando...?

Treading the familiar grounds

Like a pilgrim that finally found its way out of the desert. Like an endangered specie that reunites with his natural habitat. Like a …..

Okay I am being a bit melodramatic but you get the idea. The sense of isolation I have endured the last five months in my old work area has finally ended.

Now, I hear the familiar sounds of people in other nearby work area. I hear the endless shuffle of footsteps on the new grayish blue carpet, the barely audible chatter of some guys a few meters away, the drone of the printer a few steps away, the slightly off-key humming of Matchbox 20’s Unwell coming from ... somewhere far left. At least now it is far left. Even in my new department, an off key Unwell hounds me. Hahaha. But, I am not complaining.

New carpet, new telephone units, new pedestals and uh yea new telephone numbers, I take in the scent of newness.

Ahh …Civilization. The all too familiar hustle of office life. I take in the air of familiar grounds. Now I feel like a part of this huge team. I smile as I look at the glass window. Awww. No ugly unfinished building. I am kinda missing the old man.. err building. I see the glass windows of the next building.

Suddenly a felt a wave of longing for my old place, the privacy it offered, the immediate view of Ayala Avenue… Dear me, I am such an extroverted introvert. Or an introverted extrovert. Whatever.

I see a hand waving in my direction. It is Julius, one of the QC Analysts. A coffee drinker. Even in my solitary confinement, my love for coffee didn’t escape him.

“Now I can only stand from my cubicle and say ‘Coffee break' ” he says.

I agree with a smile as I followed him and the rest of us coffee drinkers to the pantry for that much needed caffeine fix.