My cup runneth over

After a cursory knock on her doorpost,  I went inside Jovy’s room for her signature on my medical reimbursement form.  She stood up and closed the door behind me.  Though a bit puzzled that a simple reimbursement would require confidentiality, I sat down and let her see the receipts.

 

“How is your mother?” she asked.

 

I give her a quick update. 

 

Over the last few month, Jovy and I have developed a certain degree of friendship.  Although not my direct superior, I made deliberate efforts to make her feel that I recognize her seniority.  Evidently, my efforts were appreciated.  These past months, I have also gained insights from her people management style.

 

She hands me the signed form and then –

 

“I know that you only report to me administratively so I am not sure if I am in a right place to ask this but –

 

I thought, whoa whoa whoa.  What is this???

 

 

………   “Are you happy with your current salary rate?”……….

 

 

Her question floored me but I recovered quickly –

 

“No I am not”

 

She smiles “ I am glad that you can be honest about it."

 

“Don’t get me wrong Jovy, it is not a bad rate.  I just know that I deserve a higher amount.  If I choose to leave the company, I am sure I can get a better rate.”

 

That isn’t a bluff.  I am confident that I can do that. 

 

She asked me how our HR offered the rate and I give her a brief history.

 

“I decided to accept it because, I didn’t want to leave the company yet.  I had an option during that time but I decided against it.” 

 

Sensing that this is the right time, I continued, ‘This year is my reckoning year, Jovy.  If by end of quarter one next year, I am not satisfied with my rate, I will resign.  In fact, this year, my focus is to prepare my resume for next year.”

 

She was quiet for a  while. And then she starting speaking.

 

She was very general in her explanation but, coming from the financial planning group,  I understood what she was driving at which I translate as:

 

Bottomline, there will be funds available to justify a jump in salary.

 

She continues, “BUT…..”   (ohhhhh there is that word)

 

 “… having it within the year would be difficult. I can’t promise that.  We will try.  In time for next year’s appraisal, I know that we could do something to align your salary.“

 

Awwww. Why did I have to know this now??  (ang EQ ko! Ang EQ ko!)

 

That would have been enough to dampen my mood but I have long decided to stay until December anyway.  With all the stress that I have been going through since last year, I didn’t want a new job to add to it.  If there will be any major move, it will be next year.  But I didn’t tell her that.

 

“I am aware of how much your rate can go given the range of salary for managers. We can do something about it even though it will be for next year.  RT (her boss, the Operations Director for AsiaPac) can swing that.  By the way, how much was your increase?”

 

I gave her  the rate.  In my previous department, that rate would have been okay but with Operations, it was at the lower end.

 

She slightly bowed her head and said “I am sorry about that. Maybe because you were fairly new in the group.  (excuses excuses) We will do something about it.”

 

Finally, I  just had to ask her –

 

“What happened Jovy?  What made you think about making an evaluation at this time of the year?  Not that I am complaining. Did someone speak with you or was it God who spoke to you directly?  I have been praying about that you know.”

 

She smiles and says “I just thought of it.”

 

My eyes widened, my voice confident. “Ahh so it was God who spoke to you directly!!”.

 

Her next words warmed my heart.  “You see, I really like you.  I like how you have managed to establish very good working relationships with my often stubborn managers. Mind you, they are not an easy group to get along with.  Even the junior staff find you very approachable.”

 

I think I blushed and only managed a smile and an “oh thanks, Jovy” 

 

Okay, I admit, I was teary eyed and I was sure she could see my eyes brimming with tears. (Na touch ako, promise!)

 

“You even managed to handle Mia. She doesn't seem to faze you. I know she is one tough cookie.”

 

Tell me about it!! I wanted to say but again, I choose to shut my mouth.

 

“I don’t know how you have been performing on Maria’s (my boss!!) side but as far as the operations side, my side is concerned,  I give you the highest marks. You had a steep learning curve but I know you have a good grasp of operations now.”

 

I wanted to tell her that I am getting pretty good marks from Maria as well but again, I shut my mouth and let her talk. I’d hate to interrupt the flow of words  affirming me.  (LOL)

 

“You have been a lot of help to my team.  And so I feel that you should get the commensurate salary. And our cost center can handle that.”

 

I smiled again. I think I couldn’t smile wide enough. 

 

“I like working with you and your team as well.” I said softly.  I was so poised, I must say. 

 

But inside of me???

 

YESSSSSSS!  ALRIGHT!  WAHOOOOOO!! THANK YOU GOD!  My spirit was doing the dance of joy.

 

“So I will make sure I give Maria my evaluation, solicited or unsolicited. And recommend to make the adjustment.”

 

I almost didn’t hear her with all the revelry in my head.

 

I said enthusiastically, “I am sure she wouldn’t mind unsolicited!!”

 

We both laughed.

 

It was lunch time.  Her phone rang  “Hello!  Yes, Melissa I will be there.”

 

“Don’t just think about leaving yet” she said as she opens the door for me.

 

I floated towards my workstation.

 

I know that Jovy  usually spends lunch with Melissa, her close friend at the office. I am also sure that I will be one of their topics over lunch.  Good!  Go ahead.  Talk about me. 

 

Melissa happens to be the HR Manager. 

 

There was nothing to tie Jovy to her words.  She could easily forget today’s conversation. (but i will be sure to remind her hehehe).  This may sound corny but her words were reward enough.  Her words filled my heart.  

 

When my nerves have settled, I realize that next year is still a looong time coming and for a few moments wished that the adjustment will happen within the year.  (Dapat first quarter pa nangyari ito eh! Growl.)

 

Still, for the next two days, this song (culled from Psalm 23) rings in my head:

 

“Lord, Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life

I’m surrounded with the favor of the Lord

Always and forever.”

  

Day three and the song still plays inside me.  :P

From within

I have been getting the same questions about my mother and I have been giving a standard reply.

 

“Not good.”

 

That about sums it up. 

 

Some of them give a follow up question and I give my standard follow up answer.

 

“She lost a lot of weight.”

 

And losing more by the day, I want to add.

 

Once in a while, when time permits, I give a little more update about her condition or share an anecdote about my recent conversations with  my mother. 

 

But rarely do I get asked this.

 

“How are you?”

 

Maybe because some think that it is a ridiculous question that doesn’t merit an answer. Maybe because some find it uncomfortable to ask a question that is too personal.  Maybe a few think that I didn’t want that question asked. 

 

I think maybe they are right.  I don’t want to deal with that question.

 

I don’t even want to know how I am or how I am coping with the idea of losing my mother only a year after losing my father.  In fact, I rarely ask myself any question. 

 

No, I have not numbed myself.  I can feel the wealth of emotion just beneath the calm and controlled exterior.  I just refuse to let vulnerability creep in because I might not be able to keep a lid on it. 

 

So I protect this wall, making sure all cracks are covered up.  During unguarded moments, it may not matter who is in front of me.  I just might let the wall cave in and allow the rivers of emotions flow.

 

One thing though, I haven’t had an unguarded moment since January last year.  Only before God in prayer have I let my control down.  But even that takes so much effort.

 

The feelings are too profound.  No words can be enough.

 

Recently, a friend asked me the standard question and I gave the standard set of answers.  We were on a train en route to a Manila so the moment allowed us to talk some more.

 

What my friend didn’t know was, those thoughts only dawned on me as I say the words.

 

“I think that is why I didn’t want to do anything or to go into anything new. ”

 

Dealing with the pain of a dying parent is too big a deal that I try to protect the status quo in an attempt to lessen the impending blow.  It was my last vestige of control.  I just wanted all other things to remain unchanged.  I don’t want to rock the boat when the waves are already strong enough to tip it over.

 

My friend understood, I think. 

 

Although I am aware that it is pointless to take control, I suppose that it is my attempt to cope with grief. 

 

So if you want to know how I am – -- ?

 

Let me just say this.

 

I am deeply sad.  I am angry as well.

 

Maybe if you look hard enough and if you are quick enough, you will see that flash  of sad look in my eyes.  Maybe if you listen well enough, you will hear the sad tone behind the funny rejoinders, the brief silence after a laughter.

 

I guess I prefer it this way.  Let us go on with our usual and at times mundane conversations.

 

And just let me grieve in private.

Blue sky holiday

The phrase that caught my attention as I learn the words to Daniel Powter's song, Bad Day.
Okay, it is a song about having a bad day so you probably have an idea of how negative the lyrics go.

For a song about bad days, this one may just lift your spirits. It is kinda danceable. I like its upbeat melody.

I don't watch American Idol, but i was told that this song serves as the background each time one idol wannabee gets booted out.
It has been enjoying airplay for several months, its sustained popularity attributed to American Idol, I guess.

You need a blue sky holiday, goes Powter.

Ah yes, I do.

But i have this self-imposed rule not to go out of town for long periods of time.

Long period as in two to three days.

I am sticking to this rule.

-----

A few days ago, the sky darkened and for a while, the city got a reprieve from the heat.
I love the rainy season (except when i need to go out). And I can't wait for the sound of rain.
The extreme heat made me wish for the rains to come.

Today, I woke up to a dark sky and cooler breeze. Yess!
Tropical storm Caloy visits the country, ushering in the rainy season.

There goes my blue sky holiday.

Celestial lights

Growing up, the vast expanse of the dark sky always fascinates me. Thanks to the well structured science curriculum that we had in elementary and high school, I was inevitably hooked. My father’s adequate collection of books and other literature fueled my curiosity even more.

And to this day, seeing the full moon with dark clouds hovering it makes me stop in my tracks and stare. You wouldn’t think that it is just a rock that only reflects light from the sun!

In the mid 90’s , a TV movie by Stephen King, The Langoliers gave me a more visual idea of another phenomenon, --the Aurora Borealis, an awesome blaze of the Northern Lights.

"Far north in the night sky, a faint glow appears on the horizon. Green and
red flames of light stretch across the sky. A glowing curtain of light forms, waving and swirling above you. As the lights fade away the dark night
closes over you once again."

Recently, another movie, Disney Pictures’ Eight Below brought me back to the carefree years, the time when I would just raise my eyes to the sky and gape in awestruck wonder. Set in Antartica, Eight Below is about eight Siberian huskies left to fend for themselves for six months. My favorite scene is when one of the dogs jumped as high as he could trying to catch those moving rays. Oh wow! The Aurora Borealis!!

It was only the next day that I realize it is not Aurora Borealis but Aurora Australis, the Southern Lights . (Antartica is in the south pole, my dear Drifter :D).

"The extent of light pollution today makes observation of the aurora very difficult. We have to face the same situation if we want to watch the stars. In principle, the light of the aurora is weaker than the light of stars, so if no stars are visible it usually means that the northern lights cannot be seen either."

So that means when the aurora is seen, the sky is at its clearest and bright stars fill the sky!! What a sight that must be!

The mystery of the outer space still fascinates me. And whether Borealis or Australis, the aurora is a work of art, a moving painting in the sky. Watching it must be like seeing the hand of God splashing shades with the universe as His canvass.

I thought of the time with my friends when we laid on the grass somewhere in Baguio and just ….stare.

Out there.

Lying there with the sky as my covering, gave me the most peaceful and the most humbling feeling…..

How beautifully refreshing it must be to see the night sky streaked with a myriad of colors instead of the usual black and gray.

Parched

Too much time under the sun’s blazing heat.

Away from the flowing streams of water that is seen from a distance.

Where else would the clay get the water it needs to quench its thirst?

When it seems like one long hot summer ahead?

Yet, hasn’t it happened before?

Couldn’t the hardened clay hope for a mighty Rain in the midst of summer?

Yes.

I was asked a question.

My reply was negative.

Almost immediately, I realized that I gave a wrong answer.

Maybe because I subconsciously evade the question. Or just don’t see the need to confront it.
Until unwittingly, I meet it head on.

What I thought was an honest reply was a knee jerk response, barely scratching the surface.

……

Tears flow. Heart in hand.

So I ask myself that question again. And gave my heart’s reply.

To the universe, it may not matter.

But to that reflection in the mirror, it does.

Amigos

Yep! Male friends. I am glad I have them. Why? They give you a less complicated view of certain things. (opps..sorry fellow ladies) They tell you like it is. Rarely do they overanalyze, if at all, they do. I consider it a huge blessing to have these few good men who are genuinely concerned in me as a person and more importantly, as a woman. I have been gifted with friends who regard me as their equal yet still consider me as the gentler gender. They are men who are instinctively nice and considerate of women across the board, not just towards women that they are romantically interested in.

I have one male friend at the office who drops by my workstation few times a week for a 5-minute chat. This guy has always been generous in giving encouragements and showing concern. His selflessness allows him to sense the needs of the people around him. You will know sincerity when you see one. Believe me, those 5-minute visits fill my emotional tank to the brim!

And another ex-officemate who, although an ocean away, still manage to drop an email or send a message to say any mundane thing that pops in his mind. And another one who calls me up and being an expressive man that he is, never fails to say “How are you? “ or a “Tol miss na kita ah!” Still another who, together with his wife, invites me over for dinner just to catch up. And another who sends me a message via YM even though he knows I am usually offline. Or the one who usually sends this message, “’Musta?” Then he would call but not after asking for my landline for the umpteenth time.

I have a few other friends who regularly drop an email or give a quick call either for some updates on “serious” stuff or just for some nonsensical exchanges. What mattered was the moment allotted for me. That they remembered me. The topic is secondary.

I have such high regard for men who know that women ought to be handled with care and respect. You see that in the way they communicate, both verbal and nonverbal. I admire them more for not being quick to judge you as having romantic leanings.

I do value a man’s point of view. During painful situations, talking to guy friends help me hasten the healing process. There is nothing like the masculine point of view to pull you out of the depths of sadness and to re-build your dwindling self-esteem just by their presence.

Most of the time, these men unknowingly give me important lessons just by listening to them and learning how their minds work. Amazing how different they are. Such an interesting breed ..err.. specie. In fact, I am not surprised to know that, although I gave this site to them, only a few really take time to read my blog! (except maybe this entry…..)

People spending time with me, whether personal or virtual, is right smack at the center of the love language that affects me most. With my lady friends, spending time is easy. For men, it can be a bit of an effort. An effort well appreciated.

True, I have more female friends. Definitely, the more personal topics I choose to share with my gal pals. My girlfriends, coming from different backgrounds and carrying varied personality types, are lovely fixtures that color my life’s shelves. And my male friends? Equally lovely fixtures. My glass-encased shelves won’t as beautiful without them.

Amigos. I say keep them, even when you already are in a committed relationship.

A significant other who forbids you from keeping them….well…may not be significant after all.

Salute!

Keeping my fixtures

I stare at the wall where my shelf stands and lovingly smile at the fixtures that line each layer. Fixtures of varying sizes, hues and designs, each one stirring special memories. Maintaining them takes huge responsibility which I take very seriously.

These fixtures are heaven’s gifts and caring for them is my gift to myself and a way of giving back to God.

The wisdom to know which fixture merits a place requires much thought and consideration. Should I put in my biggest and most beautiful layer? The one that I encased in glass so beautifully kept for all the world to see? Or maybe in the other open layer where I can easily reach and regularly clean away. Or should I place it at the lowest layer, hidden by an opaque door?

Once in a while, I take stock of things and decide to move some of them from one layer to the next. But through the years, I have learned to know where to place a fixture. On most occasions, my fixtures stay where I initially place them.

Then a fixture catches my eye. More than a year ago, I had deliberately placed it at the back end of one layer, not quite sure if I should keep in its current spot, move towards the front or hide it behind the opaque door.

I pick up it.

And I sigh.

What should I do with you? I say to the fixture that once owned in a spot in my glass-encased layer. Now, you have collected more dust than memories. How many times have I tried to keep you in my main shelf only to have my spirit wounded? When would you realize that being in my shelf is not an accomplishment? It is a mutual nurturing. It is a journey to be enjoyed. Not a race to be won. In your shelf, I would have wanted to be a fixture too. Not a trophy.

Sometimes I face this choice. Of picking up a fixture and wondering what it is doing in my shelf or why it had stayed too long in that spot. At times I have some fixtures trying to push the opaque door down, wanting a space in my main shelf. But some of them are way too fragile and unsteady, supported by a base made of inferior material that it can’t stand on its own. Some fixtures simply erode, weathered by the sun, wind, dust and time.

Once again, I stare at the fixture and gently wipe off the dust. For the nth time, I decide not to place it behind the opaque door.

I place it not behind the glass door but the layer above it where I can still reach and clean away the dust once in a while.

Once in a while.

Up Close and Personal

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the use of technology to enhance communication, but whatever happened to face to face discussion? Sure, there are things that are best discussed via email but when all recipients are located in one floor, wouldn’t a brief meeting be a better idea? Or better yet, since only two people are involved in the discussion, why not pick up the phone, press four numbers and voila!! OR an even better idea is to leave that workstation and take .. what? ..ten steps to the other person’s work area. Good exercise too.

I don’t recall any announcement regarding a no-talking policy nor do we have any stay-in-your-post rule issued by HR. Okay, my sarcasm is showing. But when you regularly get several emails that is actually a conversation between two people, you sort of get exasperated. Especially when all of the email recipients are located near each other.

A few personalities in my department seem to prefer to interface with that electromagnetic radiation-emitting computer monitor than have the more personal interaction. I just don’t get it.

As if reading my mind, the SVP for Global operations sent an email this morning to the Global Content Group with the most interesting subject -- Stop and Talk: Free Email Experiment. His email declares tomorrow as a free email day. His message encourages everyone to use the phone or make personal visits to their colleagues’ workstations.

I shake my head. So it is a global case. And Mr. SVP, what a great idea!
-------
In my former department, I only know one local number, that of our senior accountant.
The rest of the thirty plus people in Finance, I usually communicate with face to face. Not only does it give me a faster turnaround, it also improves my relationship with them..

One exception: My HK-based ex-boss Saj, I prefer to email than give a call. Enough said.

These past months in my new department, I have been deliberate in visiting the cubicles of the people I deal with. The questions that they send me via email, I usually respond to personally and then tell them I will send an email just to document the discussion. This way, I am able to match the names with the faces as well as make them feel more comfortable in approaching me in the future. I’d like to believe that I have made significant progress in this area.
-------
(Sigh) The price of technology. Too much of our daily exchanges are relegated to text messaging or emails. Sure, it has its advantages and it would be crazy not to take advantage of these benefits.

Used to be that I loved giving personal birthday greetings or making brief phone calls to friends but now, a text message gets the job done. Or does it?

If you must know, I am an audio-oriented person.

I’d love to hear from you.

Stepping out

My friends call it my “launching” and I cringe inside each time I hear it, not to mention, feel a little more ‘stressed’ as that day approaches. But then I realize, to launch means to embark on, to get underway, to take-off.

Exactly what I did.

This one thing that I reluctantly yet eagerly desire finally came to fruition. It happened through Songs from the Heart, a post valentine musical-talk show event sponsored by the QC Influencers International. The night is highlighted by four panelists who are in different stages of love and loving. They share valuable insights culled from their own experiences. In each phase of love, there will always be an apt song, and that is where yours truly come in.

Although I am aware and grateful for God’s gift of music, I have always preferred to keep it under wraps. I mean, how many requests to sing one song for a wedding have I evaded? I can remember giving in to four wedding occasions and refused more pleadings from brides-to-be.

Why? One word.

Fear.

The thought of standing in front of a crowd, with people looking and listening to me, intimidates. The thought of not meeting their expectation terrifies me.

What made me pursue it this time? One word.

Faith.

The faith of the people around me. Let me emphasize by saying, stubborn faith of friends. And yes, faith in the Source of this talent.

“Di lang pang videoke ang boses mo (Your voice is not just for videoke)..” I remember Grace (the most ‘stubborn’ of them all) saying to me.

Much as I know I can sing well, I have always believed that my voice would not be good enough for a special occasion. Sure, I have sung in a few weddings. Sure, I have received affirmations but inside of me, I still felt, that another singer can do better.

But then I know that the way of expressing thanks to God for his gifts is to use them. In increasing measure. To constantly step out of my comfort zone and … dare.

And so, ably accompanied by Wendell, the Influencers’ own version of Ryan Cayabyab, I took part in the ministry that I love.

I have two dreams in my heart -- to sing in front of a crowd and to be on radio.

One down. :D



PS
I am still on that natural high. (giggle giggle) I feel so good that I just might post some pictures.

Prayer in a song

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you, oh Jesus.
It's what i long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

-- BRIGHTEN MY HEART by Sixpence None the Richer

I feel ---

Frustrated - a cluttered room with just a few days to go before my landlord will find reason to knock the apartment door down and force me out of my place, unless of course, I pay for an extra month’s rent (which I won’t)

Upset - because four sets of 25 crunches each still send me bending sideways in pain. I only get unsympathetic grins and chuckles from the trainers at the gym. Gee, thanks.

Ridiculous – after reading an old journal that details some of confused emotions. Now if I were to talking to the “younger, less wise” me, I would probably knock myself on the head and say “Hello!!!!!!” But I realize that those foolish decisions gave me a stronger resolve on a lot of things. Oh, yeah I 'shredded' that journal with my bare hands. The cheapest therapy there is.

Refreshed – from powerful insights from the Word of God during Sunday service, just the message that I needed.

Excitedly nervous – over this wonderful opportunity to share a part of myself for a special gathering. This may need a separate entry.

Uneasy - given the major adjustment I will have to go through as I share a room (and an apartment) with three women. (will they kick me out if they hear one Mishka Adams song over and over again?)

Grateful – for the provision we received that will finance the next two chemotherapy sessions of my mother! God is amazing! Woohoo!

Eager – to present some plans I have drawn up at work to my boss. Now, if only we can find a way to finally have that much-delayed phone call.

Satisfied and thankful - I look at the mirror and say, "You have come a long way, girl."

And a long way to go.

My odd(?!) indulgence

It is one of my quirks. Listening to a song, (yes, ONE song) for hours!
An average of four hours each song is my conservative estimate.
Let me list down the songs that caught my fancy the past weeks.
I can only say “Thank God for earphones and the repeat button!”

God only knows by the Beach Boys
Save the last dance by Michael Buble’
Magnificent by Hillsong
Part of me, part of you by England Dan and John Ford Coley
Wouldn’t it be nice? by Beach Boys
Who am I? by Casting Crowns
Don’t love you no more by Craig David
Unbelievable by Craig David
Whenever wherever whatever by Maxell
Dream of me by Kirsten Dunst

Easy listening music, I dare say. I suggest you check them out. Listening to one song for several hours is not for everybody but the weird habit sure runs in our family.

Thoughts too random? I think not.

Without getting into the details, I know I got what I deserved when I learned of some information that I had no business knowing. In the words of my friend, James, “curiousity killed the cat”. Well, those were not his words really ..but umm…you know what I mean.

Life indeed is a race. Not a sprint but a long distance marathon. The journey is long and tiring. You face detours along the way. You come face to face with disappointments. You deal with a lot of frustrations. You feel that life is unfair because the course did not go the way you expected it.

You prepare well for the race but you forget to realize that all of the runners beside, behind or ahead of you prepared for the run as well.

In a marathon, sure there will be winners. Cliché it may be but finishing well makes the journey, with all its hurdles, worthwhile.

Once in a while, you might get distracted and spend a little too much time focusing on how badly or how well the other runners fare. But you must decide to keep on keeping on and stay on course. It will be wise to recall why you are running this course in the first place.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you bet the water bill is higher.

Months back, I came across this statement. I never forgot about it. I have been waiting for the opportune time to blog something about it. I guess, this is the time.

In your side of the fence is your own garden. You have your own wild grass to weed out and the most beautiful flowers to nurture. You have a landscape to think about. A landscape uniquely your own.

This is not supposed to be a blog entry that makes sense. So if you don’t understand what I am saying, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I clip my wings then wonder why..?

I skim over the inner pages of my favorite broadsheet when I saw the article on the latest batch of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs).

After a cursory glance at the picture of about ten men and women, all distinguished in their suits, I do my routine of checking out the names.

My eyes widened.

This time, I make deliberate look at the picture.

He looks older, I thought. Well, that was several years back so...Now he is a CFA….

He was one of the countless financial analysts I worked with. Worked with him for quite a while…

Analysts and bankers. Never was a day complete without having a meeting, an email or a phone call from at least one of them.

I remember the times when I would get a phone call from an analyst or an account manager urgently requesting for some information at the exact same time when my boss is breathing down my neck for some reports he needs for a board meeting. I shudder at the stressful thought.

But I remember CFA guy, with his mild manners and gentle voice and ..uh well, let us just say, he can bother me anytime. An irate boss preparing for a meeting, notwithstanding (lol). Just kidding.

I remember getting the third degree from my boss, DAM, for having a meeting with Mr cute-analyst-now-CFA in my work area.

“Those visitor’s chairs are not for outsiders. We have a conference room where you could hold meetings. Your work area has a lot of confidential information.”

Words to that effect. I apologized for the lack of judgement. I couldn’t possibly tell him I have this huge crush on this particular analyst to explain the oversight. Knowing DAM, he will call this guy and set up whatever meeting with him just to make sure he comes over on a regular basis. I will die of embarrassment.

I googled his name on the web. An idea I got from a blogger. Hmm.. He co-authored some research work on the Philippine economy. Although I have dipped my fingers into a slightly similar work, the topic still overwhelms me. I close my browser.

I wonder where he works now. Surely he is just here in Makati... I wonder if.....Maybe…

Nah.. Forget it.

Ohhh why my parents raised me this way I will never know. (LOL)

Ohhkay, fine. They raised me well.

Too well.. :D

As Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado's cover of Humperdinck's Quando quando quando fades. I close my itunes, turn off my PC and head for home.

Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando quando quando...?

Treading the familiar grounds

Like a pilgrim that finally found its way out of the desert. Like an endangered specie that reunites with his natural habitat. Like a …..

Okay I am being a bit melodramatic but you get the idea. The sense of isolation I have endured the last five months in my old work area has finally ended.

Now, I hear the familiar sounds of people in other nearby work area. I hear the endless shuffle of footsteps on the new grayish blue carpet, the barely audible chatter of some guys a few meters away, the drone of the printer a few steps away, the slightly off-key humming of Matchbox 20’s Unwell coming from ... somewhere far left. At least now it is far left. Even in my new department, an off key Unwell hounds me. Hahaha. But, I am not complaining.

New carpet, new telephone units, new pedestals and uh yea new telephone numbers, I take in the scent of newness.

Ahh …Civilization. The all too familiar hustle of office life. I take in the air of familiar grounds. Now I feel like a part of this huge team. I smile as I look at the glass window. Awww. No ugly unfinished building. I am kinda missing the old man.. err building. I see the glass windows of the next building.

Suddenly a felt a wave of longing for my old place, the privacy it offered, the immediate view of Ayala Avenue… Dear me, I am such an extroverted introvert. Or an introverted extrovert. Whatever.

I see a hand waving in my direction. It is Julius, one of the QC Analysts. A coffee drinker. Even in my solitary confinement, my love for coffee didn’t escape him.

“Now I can only stand from my cubicle and say ‘Coffee break' ” he says.

I agree with a smile as I followed him and the rest of us coffee drinkers to the pantry for that much needed caffeine fix.

Fashion whooops!

They say it is a woman’s nightmare.

To spend forever and a fortune to find that perfect dress for that important function only to realize that another woman wears the same gown.

And I am talking about us, ordinary womenfolk.

Wearing the same dress as someone else in Hollywood is just about the worst thing an actress can do. Embarrassment magnified!

Recent Golden Globe winner Reese Witherspoon was victim of a couture house’s faux pas.

Nope, she didn’t see another woman wearing the same Chanel vintage dress the night she accepted her first Golden Globe award. Yes, she wore that dress in front of millions of people.

Yes, she was told (by Chanel) that her gown is vintage. But a three-year old recycled dress is hardly vintage. A certain Kirsten Dunst wore the same outfit three years ago to….where else but the Golden Globe’s after party?!

To an A-lister, this is a huge deal. That is what happens when some people just fail to do their job properly and when a Holywood star does not do her homework.

Witherspoon’s exceptional performance might merit her an Oscar nomination says the experts. You bet she won’t be caught dead wearing a Chanel again. Count Renee Zellweger and J-Lo in as well. Apparently, these three ladies have the same agent.

But still, I am sure that this will just be a blimp in Chanel’s illustrious name. And Witherspoon will live. She has been through worse, I am sure. The girl might even get an Oscar.

Now that, is a bigger deal.

In the course of time

So am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

Words of wisdom from one of my friends, Ethel. Years back, I remember hearing her dilemma whenever she clears some of the things in her house. During one of my own clutter clearing sessions, I remember her words.

How right you are Ethel, I spoke aloud as if talking to my friend who now lives in the US. Most of the files I stuff inside the garbage bags are those I previously decided to keep for whatever reason. I guess now, two years later, their meaning is lost on me.

Time does change a person. Some things that you choose to treasure do change in course of time. The old pictures fade as the vibrant colors of new photographs capture your fancy. The ties of certain friendships loosen their hold on you. You find that you have outgrown some habits and certain people. I guess, for as long as I know that I am moving forward, growing and blooming into the person God fashioned me to be, I must embrace these changes.

I feel no tinge of regret as I tear and crumple papers, letters and cards, almost emptying a box full of lettered memories.

Some items, I decided to keep but Ethel’s words ring inside my head.

Am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

I thought about what she said and thought some more.

Dear Ethel, no matter how hard I try to keep a room uncluttered, there remains to be things that I want to keep with me, just because.

I know that someday, I will throw away these same stuff that for now, I choose to keep. I also know that there are things that I will always keep, those that cannot be weathered by time, indelibly a part of who I am.

Clutter clearing

For the fourth time in two weeks, I receive a corporate announcement regarding the automatic email deletion policy that takes effect next month.

Since mid December, I have been doing gradual clean up of my mailbox because we will only be allowed to keep emails no older than 120 days on a going forward basis. The US Headquarters even sends out countdown to the effective date of implementation on top of the regular reminders! Translation: we mean business so listen up and do as you’re told or you will lose your files!

So, email by email, sender by sender, I read and delete or read and store my electronic files in my personal folders. A task that I thought would bore me to tears turned out to be a surprisingly enjoyable journey of remembering!
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Much like the flooding of reminders on the email deletion policy, I also get a considerable number of emails regarding our move to the 19th floor. I get timelines from our admin head, reminders and requests to make our move as seamless as possible. Needless to say, the first step always requires searching through files.

Here I go again ! I thought with a sigh. But this one needs no clicking of the mouse. This clean up I do the old –fashioned way. Thankfully, I only have a manageable amount of files so I was able to clean up in two hours. There is something about literally tearing those old papers with your bare hands. Crumpling and tearing paper in a seemingly reckless way is almost … therapeutic.
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NONE can be more cathartic and daunting than clutter cleaning an apartment. In a few weeks’ time, I will leave my place, my own private hideaway for the last two years to double up in a room in another apartment with a friend of mine. But before I can do that, I have an enormous amount of clutter to contend with. Moving to a smaller space means either giving away a few things, throwing some away or bringing them back home! Bummer!

The toughest part is deciding what to do with my I-don’tknow-why-I-keep-them-in-the-first-place-but-I-want-them-with-me things. I made a mental note not to do my stuff-sorting at least two days before and after my monthly mood swing. Either that or I will be too emotional to let go of anything!

Despite the hassle, I look forward to my clutter clearing ‘sessions’. Yup, I decided to break them down into manageable chunks so that I wont feel too overwhelmed. More than the physical clutter though, I find myself sorting out, figuring out and letting go of some inner clutter as well. I say, what a great way to start the year!

When I am finally ready to move in to a new place, I know that I will be one ‘cleaned out, clutter free’ gal as well.

... A girl can hope, cant she?….

I may have to watch his movies now

When asked how actor Heath Ledger has been coping with the birth of his daughter Matilda with girlfriend Michelle Williams, this is what the Brokeback Mountain lead star has to say --

I've been doing a lot of dishes. Happily. What else am I going to do? We're so bloody hopeless in the birthing process. You come out realizing just how stupid and weak men are. This primal kind of strength that women have just exceeds anything that's within men. It makes you feel like going out, taking steroids and going to the gym. Then starting a war! It kind of explains a lot about society; it's like overcompensating for this lack of strength. So, I'm not starting a war, I'm doing dishes.

Okay, I watched none of his movies (all I know is he is Naomi Watts’ ex-beau) but I like the way he looks. After reading this particular interview, I think I just became a fan. I admire him for declaring his appreciation for what Michelle Williams constantly goes through as a mother. Now, that in my book, is a real man!