Prayer in a song

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you, oh Jesus.
It's what i long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

-- BRIGHTEN MY HEART by Sixpence None the Richer

I feel ---

Frustrated - a cluttered room with just a few days to go before my landlord will find reason to knock the apartment door down and force me out of my place, unless of course, I pay for an extra month’s rent (which I won’t)

Upset - because four sets of 25 crunches each still send me bending sideways in pain. I only get unsympathetic grins and chuckles from the trainers at the gym. Gee, thanks.

Ridiculous – after reading an old journal that details some of confused emotions. Now if I were to talking to the “younger, less wise” me, I would probably knock myself on the head and say “Hello!!!!!!” But I realize that those foolish decisions gave me a stronger resolve on a lot of things. Oh, yeah I 'shredded' that journal with my bare hands. The cheapest therapy there is.

Refreshed – from powerful insights from the Word of God during Sunday service, just the message that I needed.

Excitedly nervous – over this wonderful opportunity to share a part of myself for a special gathering. This may need a separate entry.

Uneasy - given the major adjustment I will have to go through as I share a room (and an apartment) with three women. (will they kick me out if they hear one Mishka Adams song over and over again?)

Grateful – for the provision we received that will finance the next two chemotherapy sessions of my mother! God is amazing! Woohoo!

Eager – to present some plans I have drawn up at work to my boss. Now, if only we can find a way to finally have that much-delayed phone call.

Satisfied and thankful - I look at the mirror and say, "You have come a long way, girl."

And a long way to go.

My odd(?!) indulgence

It is one of my quirks. Listening to a song, (yes, ONE song) for hours!
An average of four hours each song is my conservative estimate.
Let me list down the songs that caught my fancy the past weeks.
I can only say “Thank God for earphones and the repeat button!”

God only knows by the Beach Boys
Save the last dance by Michael Buble’
Magnificent by Hillsong
Part of me, part of you by England Dan and John Ford Coley
Wouldn’t it be nice? by Beach Boys
Who am I? by Casting Crowns
Don’t love you no more by Craig David
Unbelievable by Craig David
Whenever wherever whatever by Maxell
Dream of me by Kirsten Dunst

Easy listening music, I dare say. I suggest you check them out. Listening to one song for several hours is not for everybody but the weird habit sure runs in our family.

Thoughts too random? I think not.

Without getting into the details, I know I got what I deserved when I learned of some information that I had no business knowing. In the words of my friend, James, “curiousity killed the cat”. Well, those were not his words really ..but umm…you know what I mean.

Life indeed is a race. Not a sprint but a long distance marathon. The journey is long and tiring. You face detours along the way. You come face to face with disappointments. You deal with a lot of frustrations. You feel that life is unfair because the course did not go the way you expected it.

You prepare well for the race but you forget to realize that all of the runners beside, behind or ahead of you prepared for the run as well.

In a marathon, sure there will be winners. Cliché it may be but finishing well makes the journey, with all its hurdles, worthwhile.

Once in a while, you might get distracted and spend a little too much time focusing on how badly or how well the other runners fare. But you must decide to keep on keeping on and stay on course. It will be wise to recall why you are running this course in the first place.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you bet the water bill is higher.

Months back, I came across this statement. I never forgot about it. I have been waiting for the opportune time to blog something about it. I guess, this is the time.

In your side of the fence is your own garden. You have your own wild grass to weed out and the most beautiful flowers to nurture. You have a landscape to think about. A landscape uniquely your own.

This is not supposed to be a blog entry that makes sense. So if you don’t understand what I am saying, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I clip my wings then wonder why..?

I skim over the inner pages of my favorite broadsheet when I saw the article on the latest batch of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs).

After a cursory glance at the picture of about ten men and women, all distinguished in their suits, I do my routine of checking out the names.

My eyes widened.

This time, I make deliberate look at the picture.

He looks older, I thought. Well, that was several years back so...Now he is a CFA….

He was one of the countless financial analysts I worked with. Worked with him for quite a while…

Analysts and bankers. Never was a day complete without having a meeting, an email or a phone call from at least one of them.

I remember the times when I would get a phone call from an analyst or an account manager urgently requesting for some information at the exact same time when my boss is breathing down my neck for some reports he needs for a board meeting. I shudder at the stressful thought.

But I remember CFA guy, with his mild manners and gentle voice and ..uh well, let us just say, he can bother me anytime. An irate boss preparing for a meeting, notwithstanding (lol). Just kidding.

I remember getting the third degree from my boss, DAM, for having a meeting with Mr cute-analyst-now-CFA in my work area.

“Those visitor’s chairs are not for outsiders. We have a conference room where you could hold meetings. Your work area has a lot of confidential information.”

Words to that effect. I apologized for the lack of judgement. I couldn’t possibly tell him I have this huge crush on this particular analyst to explain the oversight. Knowing DAM, he will call this guy and set up whatever meeting with him just to make sure he comes over on a regular basis. I will die of embarrassment.

I googled his name on the web. An idea I got from a blogger. Hmm.. He co-authored some research work on the Philippine economy. Although I have dipped my fingers into a slightly similar work, the topic still overwhelms me. I close my browser.

I wonder where he works now. Surely he is just here in Makati... I wonder if.....Maybe…

Nah.. Forget it.

Ohhh why my parents raised me this way I will never know. (LOL)

Ohhkay, fine. They raised me well.

Too well.. :D

As Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado's cover of Humperdinck's Quando quando quando fades. I close my itunes, turn off my PC and head for home.

Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando quando quando...?

Treading the familiar grounds

Like a pilgrim that finally found its way out of the desert. Like an endangered specie that reunites with his natural habitat. Like a …..

Okay I am being a bit melodramatic but you get the idea. The sense of isolation I have endured the last five months in my old work area has finally ended.

Now, I hear the familiar sounds of people in other nearby work area. I hear the endless shuffle of footsteps on the new grayish blue carpet, the barely audible chatter of some guys a few meters away, the drone of the printer a few steps away, the slightly off-key humming of Matchbox 20’s Unwell coming from ... somewhere far left. At least now it is far left. Even in my new department, an off key Unwell hounds me. Hahaha. But, I am not complaining.

New carpet, new telephone units, new pedestals and uh yea new telephone numbers, I take in the scent of newness.

Ahh …Civilization. The all too familiar hustle of office life. I take in the air of familiar grounds. Now I feel like a part of this huge team. I smile as I look at the glass window. Awww. No ugly unfinished building. I am kinda missing the old man.. err building. I see the glass windows of the next building.

Suddenly a felt a wave of longing for my old place, the privacy it offered, the immediate view of Ayala Avenue… Dear me, I am such an extroverted introvert. Or an introverted extrovert. Whatever.

I see a hand waving in my direction. It is Julius, one of the QC Analysts. A coffee drinker. Even in my solitary confinement, my love for coffee didn’t escape him.

“Now I can only stand from my cubicle and say ‘Coffee break' ” he says.

I agree with a smile as I followed him and the rest of us coffee drinkers to the pantry for that much needed caffeine fix.

Fashion whooops!

They say it is a woman’s nightmare.

To spend forever and a fortune to find that perfect dress for that important function only to realize that another woman wears the same gown.

And I am talking about us, ordinary womenfolk.

Wearing the same dress as someone else in Hollywood is just about the worst thing an actress can do. Embarrassment magnified!

Recent Golden Globe winner Reese Witherspoon was victim of a couture house’s faux pas.

Nope, she didn’t see another woman wearing the same Chanel vintage dress the night she accepted her first Golden Globe award. Yes, she wore that dress in front of millions of people.

Yes, she was told (by Chanel) that her gown is vintage. But a three-year old recycled dress is hardly vintage. A certain Kirsten Dunst wore the same outfit three years ago to….where else but the Golden Globe’s after party?!

To an A-lister, this is a huge deal. That is what happens when some people just fail to do their job properly and when a Holywood star does not do her homework.

Witherspoon’s exceptional performance might merit her an Oscar nomination says the experts. You bet she won’t be caught dead wearing a Chanel again. Count Renee Zellweger and J-Lo in as well. Apparently, these three ladies have the same agent.

But still, I am sure that this will just be a blimp in Chanel’s illustrious name. And Witherspoon will live. She has been through worse, I am sure. The girl might even get an Oscar.

Now that, is a bigger deal.

In the course of time

So am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

Words of wisdom from one of my friends, Ethel. Years back, I remember hearing her dilemma whenever she clears some of the things in her house. During one of my own clutter clearing sessions, I remember her words.

How right you are Ethel, I spoke aloud as if talking to my friend who now lives in the US. Most of the files I stuff inside the garbage bags are those I previously decided to keep for whatever reason. I guess now, two years later, their meaning is lost on me.

Time does change a person. Some things that you choose to treasure do change in course of time. The old pictures fade as the vibrant colors of new photographs capture your fancy. The ties of certain friendships loosen their hold on you. You find that you have outgrown some habits and certain people. I guess, for as long as I know that I am moving forward, growing and blooming into the person God fashioned me to be, I must embrace these changes.

I feel no tinge of regret as I tear and crumple papers, letters and cards, almost emptying a box full of lettered memories.

Some items, I decided to keep but Ethel’s words ring inside my head.

Am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

I thought about what she said and thought some more.

Dear Ethel, no matter how hard I try to keep a room uncluttered, there remains to be things that I want to keep with me, just because.

I know that someday, I will throw away these same stuff that for now, I choose to keep. I also know that there are things that I will always keep, those that cannot be weathered by time, indelibly a part of who I am.

Clutter clearing

For the fourth time in two weeks, I receive a corporate announcement regarding the automatic email deletion policy that takes effect next month.

Since mid December, I have been doing gradual clean up of my mailbox because we will only be allowed to keep emails no older than 120 days on a going forward basis. The US Headquarters even sends out countdown to the effective date of implementation on top of the regular reminders! Translation: we mean business so listen up and do as you’re told or you will lose your files!

So, email by email, sender by sender, I read and delete or read and store my electronic files in my personal folders. A task that I thought would bore me to tears turned out to be a surprisingly enjoyable journey of remembering!
------
Much like the flooding of reminders on the email deletion policy, I also get a considerable number of emails regarding our move to the 19th floor. I get timelines from our admin head, reminders and requests to make our move as seamless as possible. Needless to say, the first step always requires searching through files.

Here I go again ! I thought with a sigh. But this one needs no clicking of the mouse. This clean up I do the old –fashioned way. Thankfully, I only have a manageable amount of files so I was able to clean up in two hours. There is something about literally tearing those old papers with your bare hands. Crumpling and tearing paper in a seemingly reckless way is almost … therapeutic.
-------
NONE can be more cathartic and daunting than clutter cleaning an apartment. In a few weeks’ time, I will leave my place, my own private hideaway for the last two years to double up in a room in another apartment with a friend of mine. But before I can do that, I have an enormous amount of clutter to contend with. Moving to a smaller space means either giving away a few things, throwing some away or bringing them back home! Bummer!

The toughest part is deciding what to do with my I-don’tknow-why-I-keep-them-in-the-first-place-but-I-want-them-with-me things. I made a mental note not to do my stuff-sorting at least two days before and after my monthly mood swing. Either that or I will be too emotional to let go of anything!

Despite the hassle, I look forward to my clutter clearing ‘sessions’. Yup, I decided to break them down into manageable chunks so that I wont feel too overwhelmed. More than the physical clutter though, I find myself sorting out, figuring out and letting go of some inner clutter as well. I say, what a great way to start the year!

When I am finally ready to move in to a new place, I know that I will be one ‘cleaned out, clutter free’ gal as well.

... A girl can hope, cant she?….

I may have to watch his movies now

When asked how actor Heath Ledger has been coping with the birth of his daughter Matilda with girlfriend Michelle Williams, this is what the Brokeback Mountain lead star has to say --

I've been doing a lot of dishes. Happily. What else am I going to do? We're so bloody hopeless in the birthing process. You come out realizing just how stupid and weak men are. This primal kind of strength that women have just exceeds anything that's within men. It makes you feel like going out, taking steroids and going to the gym. Then starting a war! It kind of explains a lot about society; it's like overcompensating for this lack of strength. So, I'm not starting a war, I'm doing dishes.

Okay, I watched none of his movies (all I know is he is Naomi Watts’ ex-beau) but I like the way he looks. After reading this particular interview, I think I just became a fan. I admire him for declaring his appreciation for what Michelle Williams constantly goes through as a mother. Now, that in my book, is a real man!

A quick send off

In this tiny corner labeled #15, I make my final post for the year. I have about fifteen minutes before I log off. The coins in my pocket can only afford one hour's worth of internet use. Oh well...Here goes.

What a year this has been. Quite a year. Sad times, happy times. Moments of laughter, moments of sorrow. Special memories and forgettable ones. Wise moves, miscalculated ones. Moments of endless chatter and those of prolonged silence.

Half an hour ago, I check my email just to have a heads up on what week one of January 2006 will be like at work.

It is quite obvious but let me just say, in life, rarely do we get a 'heads up', if at all. But here I am ready to face the new year.

Comforted in the goodness and grace of God, I say.....Bring it on!

Some Changes

We are moving to the 19th floor.

I don’t think I have mentioned that my employer recently (and finally!) closed the deal with the property management of the building that we are leasing. We currently lease three floors of the building and in January 2006, we will occupy half of the 19th floor.

Talks have been ongoing as to which of the teams will be moving. Chris informed me moments ago of the final arrangements.

“Jovy hasn’t mentioned anything to you?” he asks.

“No. It may have slipped her mind.” I reply.

Moving to another place, be it to the next room, next door or the next street can be stressful. My mind is a bit frazzled already so the news did not sit too well with me. And oh, have I mentioned that I am moving to another apartment next month as well?

I wanted to ask Chris something else but I decided not to.

The question? ….

Where, in this new arrangement, will I be located?

It honestly didn’t matter whether I still get a room or not. Had it not been for Chris, I would have felt so alone in this lonely corner. A room isolates, I realize. It has been a huge adjustment from the open space I have when I was with finance. I opted not to blog those sad times when I wish can only turn my chair and I have someone to talk to or simply stand up so I can bother the person on the other side of the cubicle. (Chris is not always around) I thought it too juvenile for a blog entry.

I realize at the time that I am more of a people person than I care to admit. I love interacting with people. I honestly do not know how long I can sustain being some kind of a recluse by the sheer nature of my job.

I am rattling but my real question behind THAT question?

Will I share a room with Mia? Or will my cubicle be next to hers?

I have spoken to Mia maybe just three times. Let me share with you the most recent encounter.

She came up to me and asked for some updates on a project that was taken from her. (she took a two-month leave). I informed her of the two managers who currently handle the projects.

Mia exudes a confident air and owns an unusually loud voice…. for a female. She also has that habit of not letting you finish your sentence. A combination of traits that I don’t particularly like.

One of my friends in the finance department was right, she very rarely smiles. (as you may have guessed, she is a ‘popular’ figure in the office)

“From how I understand, William used to do it this way and that way…. I wonder how it is being done now?” Mia asks me. William is the guy I replaced. I thought to myself, my side of the universe deals with data content, her team takes care of process.

I remember another warning from a colleague. “She tends to meddle in the business of others and criticize you behind your back.”

Hmmm. But, I asked myself, what harm can she do to me? So, I decided to humor her and gave her a general idea of how my boss wants to approach projects going forward.

“But everything is still in the drawing board,” I end my spiel.

I sense an eagerness in her to share what she knows so I let her have the chance. She took a board marker and started writing on the huge white board. For 15 minutes, I let her speak.

I must admit, she gave me very useful information. So, I listen and ask questions. She voiced her concerns that the people handling the project may not have a full grasp of the issues confronting Asia and Japan. The two project managers (her team mates) are based in the UK and the US. The girl has a point.

How did our talk end? Quite well, I must say. I encouraged her to speak with their boss because I have no hand in how projects are assigned. She agreed and said she is eager to go back into the thick of things. I in turn, agreed that we needed someone in Asia to represent such projects.

She smiles at me.

Whoa! Progress! In half an hour. I give myself an imaginary pat on the back.

“Patayin mo sa bait (disarm her with kindness)” I remember one of my friends’ advice regarding her. Will do my best.

So, do I still want to share a room with Mia? Do I want my cubicle next to hers? With that voice?

Not really. She is okay. But maybe in small doses. if it's a cubicle, chances are, mine will be right next to hers. I suppose I should be ready for anything.

Be ready for anything. The song of my life. I let out a sigh. This change is nothing compared to the other things in my life right now.

One of the things that I learned in 2005 is not to sweat the small stuff.

I look out the window and grimace at the huge unsightly structure that I call my view.

I can’t help but smile. Hmmm. Wait a sec. I wonder, which half of the building are we occupying?

Decidedly Feminine

It is an orange pointy slip-on shoes encrusted with tiny sequins.

It caught my eye, despite the assortment of shoes displayed all over this small shoe store in Glorietta (one of the big malls in the business district). The sequins give it a sparkle, yes, but it is its certain shade of orange that fascinated me.

I grab my friend EVA, she looks at the price tag and checks how the shoes look on my feet from the full length mirror in front of us. She nods in agreement, “It is great! Go buy!” (Thank God for girl friends! Especially when they support a purchase decision. Ha ha ha )

Yep, I bought it. On sale. At 50% off.

After asking the saleslady on how to clean and maintain this recent purchase, (cleaning it will be tricky), we leave the store.

Next, we go from store to store looking for a pair of white pants.

It can be quite frustrating looking for the right pair of pants. It got to a point where I seriously thought of buying white skirt instead. (It is more difficult to buy pants than skirts).

“It has been awhile since I wore a skirt,” I tell EVA. “Maybe it is time I go back to wearing them again.”

I had no particular reason why I decided to stop wearing skirts. It just became convenient to just slip on to a pair of jeans or slacks when going to the office (or anywhere else for that matter).

Then, a good friend, Beng forwarded me this article In Defense of my Pink Slingbacks.

“I remembered your floral shoes”, she tells me.

I realize then that, my flair for girlie shoes and accessories could well be my attempt to avoid falling into the gender-neutral zone.

I am sure all women will agree that the right pair of shoes does something to a woman’s stride. I think the right kind of skirt creates the same effect.

Going back to our malling, I found a nice pair of white pants from one of my favorite stores, its price hugely discounted as well.

As we find our way towards the counter, EVA says, “Yeah, I think it is time you start wearing skirts again.”

I give her a meaningful smile.

Mud pies and holiday

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are halfhearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

I have read this quote before. I even think I have posted this in my blog (have I?). While I skim over an interesting site, I saw this passage by C.S. Lewis again.

I wonder if the hopes and desires I have at the moment are mere mud pies. The dictates of a rather harsh global culture and the lure of materiality that we come face to face every single day can unwittingly get under our skin. Without reminders from the Word of God, wisdom from well-grounded friends and tough love from family, it is so easy to get shortsighted. Even easier to have our priorities muddled.

So muddled that yes, we might even fail to see the holiday at sea that God is willing to give to us. If only to Him we’d say --

“Okay then, have it Your way."

With bated breath

624 U/ml.

My heart sank as I stared at my mother’s latest CA125 lab result. Three months back (after her sixth chemo), we had an encouraging 45 U/ml from a pre-chemo count of 4000 U/ml.

The cancer cells do not waste time, I thought. A few days ago, my sister sent me a message. “She has to undergo chemotherapy again.”

The cancer cells are active, says the doctor. In my heart, I wished he said, “cancer is in remission” instead.

Three months. She only had three months of reprieve from the effects of the potent medicines. Now, she goes back to the hospital and takes in doses of chemo again. Will her body respond as positively as the last cycle? Can her body sustain another round of strong medications?

I think my mind went blank when I got the confirmation of my mother’s next cycle of chemotherapy. The same blank feeling I got each time I hear updates of my father’s condition during the two days that he was in ICU. (that was just a few months back!)

But in the privacy of my room, I give myself a chance to feel, to cry. To release the heaviness and take in fresh doses of strength. The next few months will be times of … what..? I really don’t know. Day by day. Morning by morning, I just need to take things one at a time. Each day, we are given grace that is sufficient for today . Admittedly, there are certain moments that I lose composure and go through moments of doubting. But I remember a verse from the Bible: “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”. No one really. Tomorrow is another day. I cling tightly to God’s comforting arms. I brace myself.

Postscript: We actually got news of my mother’s latest tumor marker test (CA 125) a few weeks back. I guess, I try hard to make myself feel that things are simply routine. Many times I wish that my days will just take usual ho-hum route. My form of denial. But no, life is far from routine.

Huh?!

Check out an email message from my boss addressed to her entire team:

Guys,
I just wanted to recognize JC and RB for being awarded the XXX Company Bottoms award.
This award is given to the XXX employees who under-perform on an annual basis. Their underwhelming performance did not go un-noticed.
Let’s applaud JC and RB for their accomplishments.
Congratulations and keep up the poor work!

To which one of the team members replies: "Let my people GOOOO!"

I am not really sure what is going on. Some joke I am not privy to. I get the feeling that I am the only one in the dark over this. Maybe, I will ask Maria. This is the thing with globalization. You call 'team mates' people who are half a world away with Microsoft Outlook as your only link. Maria's anecdotes about the team in the US gave me a picture of a pretty tight and happy team. They are very generous with their praises, Maria especially (maybe because she is of Latin descent). I would love to know the story behind this email. (sigh ..sigh..)

Maria expressed her desire and intention to make me feel that I am part her team, never mind the distance that separates me from all of them.

"Just drop me or anyone of us an email anytime." was her last instruction before we ended the call.

"You know, Maria. You really should bring me to New York. Wouldn't a team building activity bring us all together? What do you think? ", I said to her.

-------

No, I didn't. HA! But what a thought, huh?

Disoriented

Monday at half past seven in the evening. I wear a satisfied smile on my face while I attach the excel file and type in a summary of the report. I felt pretty good about the report I have put together for my boss. As I click the ‘send’ button, a surge of eagerness washed over me. I can't wait to discuss this one with her tomorrow, I thought.

During my initial meeting with Maria (my boss), we agreed to have biweekly phone calls, with or without any deliverables. Being managed by a superior located halfway across the globe is quite difficult without the regular updates and yes, some small talk.

Tomorrow, is our next scheduled call.

Anyways, the next day, 9am. I dial her number and I hear her machine. I leave a quick message to tell her I will call in ten minutes. Maybe she is having dinner with her husband, I thought. Ten minutes later, I call again. Still, the machine picked up my call. I leave a second message. Hmmm. This is unusual. Absentmindedly, I check my calendar and - Oh no!! I thought in dismay. Then ended up laughing aloud. By myself. Imagine how that looked.

……..….

Oh yes, I called a day earlier! I should call her Wednesday, 9am. (Tuesday 8pm EST). Arrgh! I scolded myself, “you have been calling her Wednesday mornings for the past three months, why get confused after all this time?” My answer, “ I don’t know. Tao lang. ( I am only human).”

I drop Maria an email, apologized for the confusion and promised to call tomorrow.

I am just relieved she didn’t pick up the call herself! Not that she will get angry or anything. She’ll probably laugh but … I cringe at the thought.

The rest of my Tuesday was uneventful after that. In this case, I’d take uneventful anytime!!

New Snow

Look, look out on the trees
Well, from here it looks like crystal
Shining in the breeze
Look, look out on the land
Well it finally looks like winter
So just reach out your hand and --

Feel the new snow falling softly 'round me
a second chance to make things alright
Like a new love calling
New snow is falling
Just outside my window tonight

It is an excerpt from the song New Snow by Flim and the BBs**.

It is a ballad that talks not just about saying goodbye but also of hope and new beginnings.

Let us just say that this old song came to mind (and became my anthem) with Colin, one my friends and constant companions at the office, deciding to move on to another company. Yes, another fixture in my work life off the shelf!

The song speaks of footprints disappearing into the new snow. I think of the footprints of people who have walked my way and have moved on to different paths. I think of the footprints of those that continue to walk my way.

I also see some footprints going a certain way…I look down, pause, turn and deliberately take a different direction. Yes, sometimes, we do need to take stock of things and choose which footprints we want to see right beside our own.

I think of the path ahead of me. And though I haven't seen snow, I think of the song, beautifully accompanied by piano and saxophone. Then, I imagine looking out the window, reaching out my hand and feeling a certain new breeze embrace me.



**The more popular and commercial version is from Michael Ruff, i think.

Somebody's gotta do it

“Hello.” came the curt greeting from the other line.

“Hello, Lito. Are you ready for lunch?” I said cheerfully.

Before he could reply, “Wait a second. Are you going to be bad company today? You sound sad again. Please, can we talk about happier things? Please..?” He has been grouchy since beginning of the week and I can’t stand another day being at the receiving end of this whining. Again.

“I can’t help it. There is just something that Anne (Anne is one of his team members) said … "

“You know, I think I’ll have indigestion if we spend an hour of negativity,” I said sweetly. “Oh please can we talk about other things over lunch, please? I won’t like you as my lunchmate if you give me another round of those complaints. Only happy thoughts. This one time?” The sugary tone didn’t escape him.

“Okay,” he says with a sigh.

I relented. “Okay, I give you 15 minutes tops to let it out and that is it.”

“No. I promise. No complaining this time.” Happily, i put down the phone proceeded to the 8th floor cafeteria.

When I met him at 8th floor, I saw Anne with him and we spend an hour free of office issues that usually dampen their moods. But our new topic leaves a lot to be desired as well. (sigh) I prefer to keep it at that.

Four hours later, Lito calls me up for snacks. This time, with Colin. Still no complaints (yess..) but his face was morose and at one point, he bowed his head and rested his cheek on the table. Colin and I looked at each other, with questions in our eyes.

There are a lot of times when I do prefer not to have Lito join us for meals. He tests my patience. Whining has become his bad habit.

But I felt a wave of compassion for the guy.

“Cheer up. Lito.” With a defeated sigh, I said, “ Okay, let’s hear them.”

Without hesitation, he begins a litany of his office angst. We listen patiently. After he was done with his monologue, it was my (and Colin’s) turn to speak. We gave him harsh but honest words. Some were reminders. Others were corrections.

We gave him hard questions. He was quietly nodding his head. I just hope he realizes that Colin and I sincerely want to help him see things in a different perspective.

I don’t know how much of what we said really hit home. We did our part. The rest is up to him.

A price I willingly paid

Sure, I just came from a ten-day off from work. Sure, two days of that were spent recovering from a cold virus that almost ruined the rest of my vacation. Sure, a day before my long break, six of Chris’ (the guy I share the room with in the office) staff were tasked (by my boss) to ‘assist’ me so I can complete my deliverables. (Yep, I will complete them upon my return. Isn’t my boss the coolest?!)

But their help came with a price. Rey, together with the two other guys in the team teased me no end about buying them merienda… What a naughty, rowdy trio.. They feign a cough while saying “pizza! pizza!”. They give me melodramatic lines about how they need to squeeze in this extra job to fit into their hectic schedules. I thought to myself, oh dear, I kinda see myself in them. This is payback it seems. I am sometimes guilty of sweet talking my way to a freebie. Guys usually give in easily.

I held my ground. I laughed with them as they continued in their spiels. I smiled at them as they stepped out of the room, unsuccessful. Whew! It was difficult to refuse but I had a budget to think of given my long break. Okay, honestly, I just wanted to win that round. My competitive streak was on.

Day one of my return to the office. We hold a meeting to discuss issues. With Chris’ permission, I ask them to do one more simple thing which I know my boss will ask. Once again, the three guys (the three ladies were shy, it seems) began reciting the phone numbers of a pizza company and a burger chain. Over and over again. Now, that is new.

And where was Chris throughout this 'ordeal' ? Right there with us, quietly watching, smiling and wondering if and when i will give in to the pressure.

To their surprise, I said 'okay, go. snacks on me'. I handed Rey the money and suddenly, the three boys blushed! I laughed seeing them squirm in embarrassment. They didn’t expect my response. Three huge guys blushing Ha ha ha How adorable! They said they were just kidding. I said, sure you were.

When I get a freebie, I just clap with glee. No apologies. Maybe because they are boys, err men. And they just ripped off a lady… (umm..that would be moi) .. That, while calling me ma’am. The three ladies were less vocal but I see their potential.

Half an hour later, you see us in the pantry, gorging on pizza.