As thoughts drift by ...

In the works

2007-05-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

I think I have endured the frustration of not accessing my own blogsite in the office long enough.

I think I have had enough of the posting my entries via email.

My blog has been very lonely over the last year, what with nary a comment in my entries partly because I can’t even read the comments!!

I have two friends who sense my frustration enough that they both volunteered to help me transfer my entries to an entirely new universe that I can access.

So, I am thrilled to say that I have moved to a new site!!

Never mind that I have very limited choices for templates.

Let me lead you to my new link!!!!! http://Blissfuldrifter.wordpress.com

Template still in the works though. Give me time.

Thanks Jega, for doing the sweetest thing and creating this site for me. Mwah!!

So, until our TechOps finds out about this site and decides to block it again, I will enjoy this newfound freedom.

Clam chowder for the highly strung_#4

2007-04-30T12:30:00.000+08:00

Food for a drifter’s heart

1.) Blessed are those that have air conditioning in their homes, for theirs is a more comfortable night’s sleep.

2.) Blessed are those that have comfortable night’s sleep even without air conditioning, for theirs is a lower electric bill.

3.) A team building activity to be held at Boracay can make you wish you never left your old department. Arrggh.

4.) It is never wise to exchange sensitive conversation via the email. It may find its way to the wrong Inbox.

5.) It can take forever to dress up for work when you have an affectionate, energetic, uber cute 3-year old angel of a nephew following you around while chanting “Mahal kita, Tita Gina.”

6.) Watching eight consecutive episodes of House, MD makes for one paranoid viewer… and extremely tired eyes.

7.) A few tiny steps up the corporate ladder can make a mini monster out of some people.

8.) Amazing how people can overlook infidelity for as long as work is not compromised. (#%&&!!??!)

9.) When your train goes through a dark tunnel, it would idiotic to jump off. You only have to sit tight. (Corrie Ten Boom, paraphrased)

10.) A very fast eater spending lunch time with an extremely slow eater (with stories in between bites!!) can be torture.

In the meantime

2007-04-24T10:52:00.000+08:00

Did the hiring manager like me enough to hire me?

Not sure about that..

..Yet..

But he liked me enough to endorse me to the big boss for a final interview.

Sigh.

I honestly thought that last week was my final interview (he is after all, already a director) but it appears that there are two of us short-listed for the post.

So, the country head gets to have his two cents’ worth before they decide which one to hire.

Meantime, I don’t think I have mentioned that our organization is undergoing major ‘movements up there’.

Several VPs and Directors of the other departments in the New York ‘mother ship’ got the axe in line with Big Boss Shawie’s announcement early this year to ‘reduce layers’

It appears that our group is the last one to release the announcements.

My redefined role soon to be finalized. How soon is soon? Who knows?

I know that I need to wait until the dust clears.

Waiting takes so much effort. And a huge amount of faith.

And I am trying to be cool about everything.

Mountaintop weekend

2007-04-23T13:18:00.000+08:00

Early morning heavy breakfast in a quaint restaurant in the middle of Camp John Hay. Al fresco.

Newspaper in hand, you enjoy the comfortable silence shared with a good friend. Once in a while one of you breaks the silence to discuss something. And then you fall back into your own solitude.

Pine trees surround you. The cold breeze remains until mid morning. You walk after the hearty meal. You find a shaded spot. You just sit there and take in the peace.

Later, you decide to visit Starbucks. You take a seat by the window with a view to more pine trees. Your friend lays her head on the round table and takes a power nap while you just …stare out the window… listen to good music…read..…think….write …pray. Several sorted out thoughts later, you realize that you have been sitting there for two solid hours! It was time very well spent.

Leisurely and quiet. The best to describe my weekend visit to Baguio. My friend and I agreed that we would only visit Mines View to buy the infamous ube jam. (plus a few little items..) We were wise to avoid Session Road, quite a stressful area which I have enough of here in Manila.

Have I made momentous decisions while I was up there? None. What I did was organize my thoughts. Thankfully, my travel buddy knows me as much as I know her. That is the blessing of having a girl friend that can understand you. Our little conversations helped us sort out our scattered thoughts.

“Let’s do it again. A follow up to what we discussed,” she tells me while we were on our way home to Manila.

“Yes. Good idea.” I smiled, saying goodbye to my favorite place of refuge. Whispering my silent promise, “I will be back”.

How to respond to a job interview question

2007-04-20T12:03:00.000+08:00

“How would you describe your writing skills?”

The interviewee smiles and confidently says, “Very good”.

The interviewer smiles back.

I will let you know if I nabbed the job.

A drift of jumbled thoughts

2007-04-17T12:26:00.000+08:00

A year ago around this time, she was in her deathbed. We were shuffling schedules to look after her at the hospital.

A year ago around this time, every text message I receive makes my heart jump in apprehension.

A year ago around his time, we were at our wit’s end trying to make sure she gets the best medical care yet knowing resources are getting scarcer and scarcer by the day.

A year ago around this time, the pain and the weariness seemed to never end.

A year ago around this time, my head constantly throbs as I wrack my brains trying to make sense of everything.

I remember on the day of my birthday, I made major decisions that I knew would be best for her condition. They were huge steps. Risky ones. Thinking about it still reminds me of how heavy my heart was at that time. Now a year later, I am glad I made them. And I am glad that despite circumstances, I celebrated my day with very special friends. I also remember thinking that it would be a great gift if she will make it to her birthday but she passed away a few days prior to her 62^nd year. We never tell each other how much we miss having our mother and our father around but all you need to do is listen to our conversations and you will know how much they are missed.

These are memories that are landmarks of my life.

A clear reminder of how much strength you can have during life’s ebbs.

Amazing strength culled from a supernatural Source.

You gain wisdom that cannot come from the human mind.

Amazing wisdom whispered in your mind by God’s loving voice.

And just as Jesus fed thousands with a few fish and loaves of bread,

the supposedly scarce resources never ran out.

All debts and accountabilities were settled in full,

in less than a year.

Truly, an inexhaustible provision from Jehovah Jireh!

++++++

It is just about my birthday again. (was that one year already?!).

Thankfully, the family has made steps towards moving on. We just have to move on.

In my case, the first step is to just .. move.

++++++

Most of us spend our time neatly tucked away, all safe-and-sound,

in our tidy little lives. It’s not that we don’t long for a change.

It’s just that sometimes we get so busy.

And caught up in the thick of thin things,

That we forget how to really live!

Everything in our lives begins to take on a shade of gray.

That is when it’s time to bust loose, abandon all fears and push ourselves

Out of our comfort zones into the magical, mystical,

Uncharted territory called “Possibility”

Oh sure, it’s hard at first. You may even get bumped back a few times.

But in the end, it’s worth it.. Because if you keep on reaching, one of these days

Days you’ll make it..

And nothing will ever be the same again.

Comfort Zones

(these are words lifted from a ref magnet given by a friend of mine..amazing how a gem of thoughts can be found in the most mediocre of things)

++++++

Breathtaking...

2007-04-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

Tell me, can anyone be more beautiful!? Whew!
Oh! Err ..and baby Shiloh is a beautiful baby too, isn't she?

Dance with me tonight

2007-03-30T12:28:00.000+08:00

I know that it seems that the grass will grow
Better on the other side of the barbwire fence
But that other side is not in sight
So I’m fine with what I have now
If you’ll dance with me tonight

What’s the point of life if risk is just a board game?
You roll the dice but you’re just hoping that the rules change
What’s the point if you can’t bring yourself to say
The things you want to say
Like dance with me tonight

I think it is time again to put on the DJ hat and tell you about this song from the movie Music and Lyrics. The movie is .. blah. It is like a one hour episode of Love to Love or Love Spell, both teenybooper shows of our local networks. Hugh Grant is fun to watch though. Great comedic timing! His voice? Not bad for a __ .

Way Back into Love is the movie’s main song and is currently enjoying a lot of airplay on local radio BUT hands down, I love the song, Dance with me tonight. The first time I heard Hugh sing it .. ahhh.. loved it.

If you are familiar with my kind of music, you will know why I like it if you listen to it. And the lyrics are pretty good as well. Don’t ya think?

Tell me ...

2007-03-23T18:15:00.000+08:00

Waiting…. Actively? Or passively?

The simple life or the complacent life?

Genuine contentment or comfortable certainty?

Chasing lions by the mane or caressing a cat that lies content on your lap?

Soar high like an eagle? Or charge ahead like a rhino?

Anxious anticipation? or Breathless expectation?

Giant glides towards an aimless route? Or baby steps in the right direction?

Questions … and then some.

Road talk

2007-03-22T11:09:00.001+08:00

Service roads are made for a lot of reasons.

But at some point and in order to get to somewhere, we still have to enter the freeway.

I am no driver.

But that much I know.

Clam chowder for the highly strung_#3

2007-03-19T12:03:00.000+08:00

Food for a drifter’s heart

(1) Learn to know the difference between a problem and an inconvenience. Revisit Fulghum (www.robertfulghum.com)

(2) When a mountain is before you, you can either go over it or work your way around it.

(3) Salaries and bonuses. They are almost always not enough…..until you decide to be thankful.

(4) Listening to R&B/Soul /Jazz music while stuck in heavy traffic is like sipping a watermelon smoothie under the summer's heat.

(5) You can only do so much to try and change the heart of a person. A heart “transplant” is for the Divine Surgeon.

(6) Universal remotes are cool! Well….except when your TV is more than a decade old.

(7) Laundry shops – they exist and thrive for a reason. You won’t know it if you keep thinking of reasons why your clothes should be handwashed.

(8) Want some regular morning dose of nicotine? Just make sure you pass by buildings that house call centers.

(9) Speaking in front of impressionable graduating university students have to be one of the best ways to guide the minds of tomorrow’s influencers.

(10) It can be tough being in the shoes of a single woman. So, it is perfectly fine to buy an expensive pair once in a while, right???. ...... Right.

v.0307

Let that be enough

2007-03-09T12:34:00.000+08:00

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy

And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

By Switchfoot

(PS: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I wrote the lyrics.

Such heartfelt words, accompanied by the soothing rhythm of the guitar and the relaxing harmony of the vocals.

A lot of times we deceive ourselves but the truth is, we ARE a bunch of needy kids.)

Behind the words

2007-03-08T11:13:00.000+08:00

“Wala na akong kakwentuhan tungkol sa showbiz..”

As I wheeled the suitcase out the door, I hear Mia say those words.

I laughed. She smiled. A few minutes later, I was on my way to the new apartment that I will share with my sisters, still a bit confused about the mixed feelings of sadness and excitement.

Mia is the only stranger in the house when I moved in to the apartment in Guadalupe Nuevo exactly a year ago. I have known the other two housemates, Anna and Shawie, for quite a while.

Mia is also the quietest in our household of four while I seem to be the one with a lot of stories to tell. It takes a while for her to warm up to people. I found that out soon enough so I was careful not to close the distance that she may unknowingly have put up but grown accustomed to. Yet the challenge of finding out what cracks her up was top of my mind. I wanted to find a common ground. And, I found it!

What else could it be but the multicolored life of showbiz! Local or Hollywood.

Every weekend or on occasional weeknights, we find ourselves spending time chatting about our favorite and not-so-favorite celebrities, making sure we get the latest scoop on the Jolie-Pitt saga as well as the much talked-out-grossly-exaggerated-it-is-coming-out-of-my ears Kris-James-Hope mess. She regularly buys the Hi! And Hello! magazines while most of the time, I just visit eonline.com We watch the reality based artista search on our favorite Kapuso Network and exchange opinions about each wannabee. Ahh yes!.. Female bonding at its finest.

The invisible gap narrows a bit.

“Wala na akong kakwentuhan tungkol sa showbiz..”

Part of me wanted to give her a buss on the cheek but I chose to say my usual girlie “byeee” and give my pa-tweetums wave. The space surrounding her remains hugely palpable.

Still, it has to be the sweetest goodbye I heard in a long while.

Yep, I will miss you too, girl.

Fancy these songs

2007-02-28T13:43:00.000+08:00

I almost always have a few favorite songs in any given month. Some extend to two or maybe three months. Others are old songs that find their way back to my favorites list. For a couple of days now, I have developed a liking for this song by American Idol finalist, Katharine Mcphee. It is called Over it. An upbeat heartbreak song.

Cool rocker chick Gwen Stefani is second with The Sweet Escape. Another upbeat song. Haven’t gotten ‘round to checking the lyrics though.

And last but not least, a love song by teener Jojo who has been belting out a few good songs since she started at age 14!! I like this girl. Great voice too. Check out an excerpt from her latest single, How to touch a girl.

feel somethin happenin

could this be a spark?

to satisfy me baby

gotta satisfy my heart

do you know how to touch a girl?

if you want me so much

first I have to know

are you thoughtful and kind?

do you care what's on my mind?

or am I just for show?

you'll go far in this world

if you know how to touch a girl

There!  My list.

Just thought I’d share.  Let’s keep the music playing…!

The singular life

2007-02-23T20:03:00.000+08:00

What happens when singletons attend the wedding of an ex-member?

One, they buy very nice outfits.

Two, they go to the spa a few days prior to the wedding.

Three, have their hair done at the salon but do their make up themselves because they know that it will be a mostly-married-fifty-guests-only event.

Four, they use the out-of-town wedding as the opportunity to go on vacation leave for two days!

Five, they stay overnight in a hotel.

Six, they eat all the yummy desserts, enjoy the flowing wine and forget to count calories.

Seven, they take pictures of themselves when they get bored during the wedding.

Eight, they stay late that night and talk about why they are not in coupledom.

Nine, they take a leisurely buffet breakfast, still ignoring the calories.

Ten, they go home and face reality of going back to work the next day while their friend has her honeymoon!!

(We had serious fun during our friend’s wedding and genuinely happy that she found the man for her. Congratulations Petr and Victoria!)

Of work and working

2007-02-15T11:36:00.000+08:00

Hi guys,

The kids' daycare is closed due to the icy roads so I won't be in today. I'll try to check email throughout the day but call me with any issues at 732-XXX-XXXX

Thanks

Rich

He is the Content Manager for Aggregates in the NY team also reporting to Maria, my boss. And this is the email that he sent yesterday. Since I am part of the group’s distribution list, I also get copies of emails like this one which I find irritating sometimes because I always have to delete them first thing in the morning. Yet their email exchanges show me how generally flexible the team is. Telecommuting is common. Incidentally, my boss also sent an email this morning telling us that she will work from home but can still attend all conference calls.

While a week ago, she sent this:

Hi.

I am working from home today.

Daniel's dr appointment was moved to 10:30. Kenny, I will not be able to join the 10:30 call.

Kenny is her heir-apparent. Daniel is her five month old baby. Why do I suddenly decide to blog about something that has been happening since I started with this team? I don’t know. Maybe because I still find it so refreshing. Maybe because being under the project management team gives all of us more room to manage our schedules -- to take a personal day off when you need to go your kid’s PTA or to the doctor.

And maybe because the past few days, my colleagues from finance have been staying until 2am. I was told that the January close involved template changes, rollout of another system, restatements and additional work assignments as one of the regional managers goes on maternity leave.

Or maybe because one of them cannot even visit her daughter who was confined in the hospital for a week. I asked why not and who is taking care of her baby. “My mother is with her the whole week and it is month close! Bawal magkasakit o mag-leave! (Nobody is allowed to get sick or take a leave during month end)”

Or maybe because I had to spend a few days joining one of them for lunch or coffee while I see her cry (literally) in frustration. It saddens me that the workflow in finance has not changed much since I left the group. Still too ‘labor intensive’ as my former manager used to say. It is also heartbreaking to see my friend looking so desperate and sad. This time, I was more aggressive in telling her to either leave the team and move elsewhere within the company or leave the company altogether. I have always had the feeling that management accounting may not be her cup of tea. I think she will be more suited to work within a more structured process (but she didn’t need to hear that at the moment).

Finance people are generally unsung heroes. We serve, we support. It is a back end job. The salespeople almost always get the glory (and the commission!) And so it becomes so intolerable when people from within the team fail to give you encouragement. Been there. On the other hand, it becomes a joy when your superiors up your morale on a regular basis. Done that.

Sigh.

In the meantime, I spend time with my friend whose shadowed eyes tell you she needs nothing more than ears that would listen and a heart that can relate.

Clam chowder for the highly strung

2007-02-06T11:18:00.000+08:00

Food for a drifter’s heart

1. A beep in the scanner as you exit a store means you took something that you haven’t paid for.

2. When house hunting, check out those fancy houses in the more upscale areas. Never hurts to dream, right?

3. Brisk walking for 20 minutes everyday will give you sore feet if you are wearing the wrong pair of shoes. So quit brisk walking. Kidding!! I mean, use the proper footwear.

4. You don’t need to throw away a remote control device that doesn’t work. You just may need to have new batteries.

5. Don’t overeat during the holidays if you cannot commit to losing the pounds the following year. No wait. DON’T OVEREAT. Period.

6. Going for job interviews will help you deep dive into what your inner compass tells you. ‘hear anything yet?

7. Invest in black leather shoes but have fun with much cheaper yet funkier footwear.

8. When you find the right moisturizer for you, stick with it. Same goes for the toner and the sunblock.

9. When you ignore that fact that you are allergic to certain foods, face the bloated consequences.

10. Dark chocolates. Nothing comes close.

Release 0207

Shawie and Mr. Smith

2007-02-05T13:50:00.000+08:00

Nope, this is not a sequel to the Jolie-Pitt blockbuster. Nope, Brad has no other woman in his life..at the moment. =P

She is the President of the company I work for. And he is the SVP for International Operations. They will visit the Manila office next week and Manila senior management is in high spirits. HR is abuzz with plans for the Town Hall meeting to be held at the grand ballroom of Makati Shangri-la. Next week, the ballroom will be packed as about 800 employees troop to the hotel. She is, after all, the head honcho and well..plus…who would want to miss the food food food! (And Mr. Smith is a looker, by the way)

I found out that she will leave the country immediately after the town hall, probably to stay the night in Hong Kong or Japan where security is better (or exists). NY Headquarters is probably on edge with just the thought of the boss dropping by an offshore business known to be training ground for terrorists. (to the media, thank you very much). Mr. Smith, on the other hand, will stay overnight.

So, if only to find out what she has in mind for the Manila office (lip service or otherwise) and hear her deliver her speech in her usual succinct British accent, I will be there (while I sample the canapés, of course).

Go Shawie!

Push

2007-01-17T20:44:00.000+08:00

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won’t stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

Sarah McLachlan

From the album Afterglow

Wearing colors

2007-01-11T18:14:00.000+08:00

For almost two years, my wardrobe consisted of dark and plain hues. Grays, whites, blacks. A few months ago, I decided to wear pastel. Mostly green and old rose tops. Nothing loud.

I welcomed 2007 with a closet clearing exercise and a paradigm shift.

I decided to keep or give away some items especially those that I have not worn over the last year.

But I also did another thing.

I took out those items that I kept when my father passed away. The red blouse, the pink shirt, the orange shirt… In the process, I wondered if I could wear them again. I would have worn them earlier but I wanted to respect the sensitivities of some people particularly my relatives.

In the end, I returned most of them in the storage bin but placed my favorite pink shirt in a hanger.

With all due respect to the preferences of people who have lost loved ones, surely mourning is more than just wearing dark colors. Nothing can express grief and sadness.

As I face this year, I have decided to wear my ‘happy’ colors again.

As I face this year, I prefer to remember my parents in a different way.

Usually, thoughts of them would bring me to the last days that I saw them alive. Their last days in the hospital. I recall the contraptions that sustained their lives. I remember the smell. I remember the weary look in our faces. The faraway look in my mother’s days. The heavy, ragged and frequent breathing of my dad. I remember them all. And so I end up with tears in eyes.

This year, I will choose to remember their lives. Not their death. I will choose to remember the memories of their younger days, not just the last few months that they lived and breathed. After all, they are more than just the sickness that took their lives.

I looked at my pink shirt that I placed in a hanger.

One ‘happy’ shirt at a time.

Meeting-itis

2007-01-10T12:27:00.000+08:00

A common corporate irritation, where one loses large blocks of time throughout the workday, seemingly without cause. Early symptoms of the ailment include red, dry eyes, stifled yawns and proneness to notebook doodling. More severe cases result in increased apathy and stress, lower productivity and employee satisfaction, and a prolonged disdain for ready-made sandwich trays.

I got it from one of the articles in our company website. Similar to the Free email Day experiment where we were encouraged to pick up the phone or walk to someone else’s cubicle instead of clogging the system with emails, this article is another creative way to remind everyone to manage office time wisely. I chuckled when I read it the first time. Most of us carry this sort of virus I think.

I am posting it to make sure I keep this definition at hand.

Clam Chowder Soup for the highly strung

2007-01-03T18:02:00.000+08:00

Subtitled: Food for a drifter’s heart

1) Learn to turn off the control freak mode.

2) Saying “No, I can’t do that right now” is necessary on certain occasions.

3) You are actually MUCH bigger than a cockroach. Well, except that it can fly!!!! Yikes!

4) You only need one notebook for your list of to do’s -- not three.

5) Go ahead, call your old friends! It’ll do wonders to your heart.

6) Accept it, blogger.com is blocked and you barely have access to bloglines. Better have a plan B.

7) Plan B: Save up on that laptop!

8) Reading the user guide of a newly purchased gadget will actually help you..really..Now, if you could only find that manual.

9) It helps to have friends who are lawyers and/or doctors. Or, at least have friends who are friends with a lawyer or a doctor.

10) Daydreaming while walking will not help you develop your sense of direction.

Release 0107

Weekend at high altitude

2006-12-29T21:37:00.000+08:00

Holiday Rush

2006-12-21T12:00:00.000+08:00

I am beat. I have a sore throat. I have downed higher doses of Vitamin C to fight off the colds virus that threatens to take control. Over the last two weeks, I think I gained four pounds, what with the nightly dinner gatherings. I thought I planned my Christmas shopping well, having a list as early as November. Still I find myself braving the mad rush of shoppers on weeknights (weekdays!!) because of some people that I failed to have on my list. I can name one person I forgot to include in the list.

Maria. (my boss!!!)

But thankfully, I had enough time to buy and have it shipped to New York. Thankfully (again), the Company covers shipping costs for the Christmas gifts we send off to our colleagues in different parts of the globe. (even to those who don’t observe the occasion—like Japan and Korea) Whew!!!

In between sneezes, I feel my ankles hurt with all the walking. I know I need a massage. I am tired.

I sent my friend a message which goes – “I’d better stop this. My last “reunion” is on the 23^rd. And that is it! Before I forget to celebrate Reason for the Season.”

The past two Christmases have been tough. It was difficult to fully celebrate. I skipped a lot of get togethers and hardly did any shopping. So I suppose, the excitement fueled me to make this Christmas abuzz with activities. I met up with friends I haven’t seen over the last year. It was wonderful. And our company Christmas party is the best one so far. Fun! Fun! Fun!

I have two topics that I should have blogged earlier on but my mind just isn’t in to it. About the Baguio getaway and the company party. So maybe I will just post some pictures and let them speak for me.

I realize just now that I will coordinate the Dec23 gathering with old friends and that I am in charge of the family celebration. +%$@!@@!!!*$@

Ohhhhhkay. Yes. I am beat. And yes, I have come to accept the lingering sadness as part of the rest of my life.

I am all that.

But undeniably, I am excited for 2007 and truly grateful for the favors God brought my way this year.

Have a Merry Christmas!

The timely reboot

2006-11-22T10:51:00.000+08:00

The nice thing about doing a prequel is that you learn about a character when he still wasn’t the one you have always known him to be.

The latest Bond movie installment Casino Royale is meant to be a reboot of the super spy’s career in the service, perfectly timed with the introduction of the new Bond, Daniel Craig.

So, there was no ‘Q’ to give him some fancy gadgets and no Moneypenny to flirt with at the reception. He only just met a recurring character, Felix Leiter of the CIA. He still doesn’t know that he looks his best in a tuxedo, he likes dry martini and hasn’t yet realized that he actually will like his martini ‘shaken not stirred’.

He doesn’t have the dashing, drop dead gorgeous looks of Brosnan, Moore and Connery so it was perfectly fine with me to see him bloodied and dirty. Hehehe

I feel like I am betraying Pierce but…I like this new James Bond. He is scary. He is dangerous. His physique is …well, he worked hard to get that body. And boy, can he act! He doesn’t have the flirtatious charm of Brosnan and Moore but well…did I mention that he has a nice body? (lol) He is reminiscent of Sean Connery who wasn’t coy about showing off his form.

There were some lines and scenes that seemed uncharacteristic of 007 but I guess the script demands it. Except in the movie (Her Majesty’s Secret Service) where he actually got married, I prefer to have my James Bond, distant and non committal.

Much as Pierce Brosnan would always be tops on my list, an icon like James Bond is bigger than the actors that portray him. So, there. I concede. It is Daniel Craig’s turn.

The tie that binds

2006-11-21T11:08:00.000+08:00

“When I visited Mama while she was resting at home, I remember her words. “

“Masarap mabuhay. Hindi ko na makikitang lumaki sina Yui and Johann.

Life is beautiful. I will not see Yui and Johann (her grandsons, 3 and 2 years old) grow up anymore.

“She started to cry but recovered quickly. I got up, went to the bathroom and cried.”

These are words of my brother, Yui’s father.

This is just one of the several anecdotes he relates to me each time he calls me or sends me text messages. His anecdotes reveal to me how he misses our parents and where he is in the grieving process.

His name is Red.

My mother used to say that my brother Red and I get along well. I have often wondered why. My Kuya Red and I are just okay. Not close but we’re okay. I usually disagree with his ideas. We are an opinionated pair.

But I realize that he was a major influence in my life. He was the one who convinced me to take accounting and not BS Chemistry. He used to call up the radio stations to talk to the discjockeys and make song requests. (Yes, I used to call the radio stations and befriend the DJs!) We both loved James Bond and Remington Steele. He even bought a CD of the James Bond theme songs. Ah, I love Star Wars but his fascination for this it, I can never understand. I liked all the tv shows that he liked. I remember him telling me to watch English shows so that I will understand the language better.

He, our eldest brother and our father shared the same love for war movies, war books and world history. I think his influence on me ended there. I never liked war movies especially history. I never watched Platoon, Born on the fourth of July, Saving Private Ryan and whatever war movies. (Although, the Clint Eastwood movie, The Flags of our Fathers isn’t so bad.)

There was a movie (or was it a book or a tv movie) that my father and brothers often talked about when I was young, The Bridge on the River Kwai. They talked about that so loudly that I never forgot the title. I was just too happy to tell them that I almost planned on arranging a trip to the river kwai when I went to Thailand, my feeble attempt to be part of the all boys conversations. Hahaha

Expectedly, my brother and I grew apart when I developed my own unique preferences. He then became… just my brother. But I can never recall a time when he and I ever quarreled. Maybe that is why my mother always said “ay, ang magkasundo magkasama na naman”.

The family crisis over the last two years brought the two of us and the rest of my siblings closer to each other. It was not without the usual spats but you know what they say about blood being thicker and all.

Now, five months after our mother died, my Kuya and I continued with our regular phone conversations. It has become a venue to get updated on personal stuff, career stuff, future plans, etc.

And on another time, he recalls,

“I asked my officemates to drop me off at Blumentritt (a street in Manila) as I planned to drop by the house to visit Papa and Mama. Then I realized that they are both gone. They are not home anymore.”

It was a surprise to have my brother open up to me about his feelings and frustrations. He has never been too open to me until recently. And it was a good feeling. He is now not just a brother but my friend.

My parents often complained about how their children seem to ignore each other when inside the house. Well they would have been happy to know that their children are indeed taking care of each other even as they don’t live under the same roof anymore.

When everyone else goes away, indeed, there will always be family.

Monday High

2006-11-20T13:00:00.000+08:00

My Monday (the 13th) morning at the office began on a high note. Although I felt an occasional sense of wariness over some announcement that I knew would come within the day, I welcomed the heartwarming news of being recognized for my efforts.

I received a company performance award for collaboration.

"...for generously sharing her expertise by initiating...... resulting in....."

"Wow, this is nice!" I smiled. It wasn't the news that I had been waiting for but it was wonderful and welcome news nonetheless.

It was well within the day when I finally got the email from Henry.

"Congratulations! You have been accepted via the 10 year rule which means that you can now directly apply as CMA member of ICMA Australia without further examination...."

I covered my mouth as I shrieked and immediately sent my reply, forgetting that I barely knew him except that he is the CMA Philippines Program Director who occassionaly drops by during our Saturday classes to make some announcements.

"Yehey!! Thanks Henry. Mwah Mwah!"

Oh yes, I sent that message.

It was great news for several reasons:

It validated my professional experience in management accounting,

It spared me from reviewing my notes (which wasn't in the mood to do) and taking an eight-hour examination,

It saved me ten thousand pesos examination fee which I had planned on personally paying for.

AND it was just simply happy news. Something to be thankful for.

I wasn't about to let the day go without making sure I have expressed my gratitude for the special favors that God has brought my way. And, it is always sweeter to share happy news with people around you.

"You are having a good day, aren't you?" asks a friend of mine.

"A great day...." I replied with a giggle.

Sis

2006-11-08T11:06:00.000+08:00

“So, do you have a heartbreak song?”

My youngest (and my favorite) sister looked at me quizzically. She must be thinking, I have a crazy sister.

“No I don’t,” she replies and continues with her meal. She sounded and looked like she wanted to change the topic.

But that is the privilege of being the older sister who decides to set a lunch date with her sister because she wants to know the juicy details of a break up.

Let me digress a bit.

About a week ago, our eldest brother sent me a message telling me to talk to our bunso (meaning youngest sibling) because she and her cutiepy boyfriend broke up. It appears that one of the concerned barkadas of my sister came over our house and while waiting for my sister to arrive home, spilled the beans to my brother.

“She won’t talk to me. Besides, she listens to you.” he persisted. Of course I agreed and said I will take care of it. All of us in the family have always been protective of her.

Now back to our lunch date.

It took me awhile to find the segue as we were having our lunch until finally I decided to go head on.

While she was enjoying the chicken in pandan and bagoong rice,

“Did you change your number because you and Bernard broke up?”

She gave me an awkward grin and said, “yes”

Ohh lala was my reply. “No more Ely Buendia (a vocalist of a local band) look alike of a boyfriend?”

She laughed.

“You changed your number because he is bugging you and asking you for a second chance?”

Again she smiles and nods.

“And you don’t want to give him a second chance? What did he do?”

I knew the details but I wanted to see if she will tell me. I smiled to myself as I watch my sister struggle to find the politically correct phrases probably in an attempt to “protect” her ex. Or maybe because I am family and the ugly details are ”exclusive to barkada”. I didn’t press the topic.

“No heartbreak song?!!” I said, incredulous. “Let me suggest one. You know Nina’s new album has a nice, super sad song. It is called Someday. Have you heard it?”

She shakes her head and of course I sing the chorus to her.

“O di ba emote yun? Pero positive ah. Girl power.” This time, my sister was giggling and said. “Ang kulit mo, Ate G!”

I was not finished yet.

“Have you cried over him?”

“Yes, it is done.”

“Oh your girl friends are aplenty so you won’t have problems. What did they say, “you deserve someone better?”

She laughs and says “You know too much, Ate G.”

“Hello, there are probably hundreds of books about standard words of comfort as well books on standard excuses of a guy for fooling around. But crying is good so, go bond with your girl friends.”

Then it was time for the big sister speech.

“It is okay I guess. I mean you have been together for two years and you are just about to graduate from college. If you marry at 25 (God forbid), you would not have had the chance to go out with other people. You are just exposed to a small world right now, your campus. You will meet a lot of people after college. You will see. Enjoy ka lang.”

Then she surprised me by saying.

“Yeah, I thought about that. I realize that.”

Then she tells me about her plans to go to graduate school and asks me for suggestions on career choices. I think she realizes that I am more the career choice guru than the love expert. Ouch.. Hehehehe.

My sister has really grown up. I still distinctly remember her as a baby. She was very chubby, cuddly, very fair skinned, Korean looking little bundle. She was so cute. You can barely see her eyes when she smiles.

Now at 5’3’ she gives her big sisters fashion tips. Oh yeah, make up tips too.

And she seems to be handling her break up pretty well.

I think if my younger self meets up with her, I will learn a lot from my grown up little sister.

(Somebody hand me a Kleenex………..)

Five Things

2006-11-06T11:44:00.000+08:00

Here are five things you may not know about me.

1) I used to be one of the tallest girls during my elementary school days. One of the tallest and the biggest bully. I didn’t seem to add any more inches after that but I am still a big bully.

2) My childhood dream was to be a newscaster and a beautician. (but to this day, I do not know how to put on eyeshadow)

3) When I was in fourth grade, two of my teachers had an argument over my schedule. (campus celeb eh). Since I was too young to make a decision, they decided for me and thought of what would give me better chances to graduate with honors. (o diba OA, grade school pa lang). My music teacher/school choir directress conceded. And so on my sixth grade, I became editor in chief of our school paper but each time I see our school choir perform, I remember imagining where I would have been standing. Now that I am grown up and can make my own decisions, please don’t make me choose between writing and music.

4) My friend Jen wouldn’t believe it but I did have short and curly hair. During high school, I kept it short but from senior year up to my first few years as a working girl, I kept it a bit longer, slightly above the nape. When I finally decided to take advantage of the ‘advances in hair technology”, I managed to have slightly longer tresses, reaching slightly below my shoulders (just a few months ago!)

So what don’t you know about my hair?

Until I was nine, my hair was suuupper straight. Light shade of brown, straight and shiny. What happened? I don’t know!! Okay, one word. Genes. Of my six siblings, three have straight and black hair while the rest of us have wavy to curly brown hair.

And so goes my mane story

Lastly….. whew..

I was crazy (and still is) over Pierce Brosnan and the series that brought him fame, Remington Steele. I had clippings of him and his co-star Stephanie Zimbalist. I remember being disappointed to learn that he was (then) married to (the late) Cassandra Harris because I wanted Stephanie and Pierce to end up together. I was so crazy about Remington Steele that I still know the prologue of Laura Holt (Zimbalist’s character) that serves as the ( first season ) episode opener. Try me. (I did change a word or two because what I memorized then didn’t make any sense!)

Those are my five things. Sure looks like ten things to me. Obvious bang I had fun doing this..? =P

Ice Cream Day

2006-10-10T18:41:00.000+08:00

To him, birthdays meant having ice cream. He was never satisfied even with the most sumptuous meal, without his favorite dessert. I can still recall how his eyes light up and his lips curve to a smile of delight when we tell him that it is just about time for the ice cream.

Year after year, birthday after birthday, it is the one thing that makes his day. Until we find ourselves establishing a tradition that meant having ice cream on everyone’s birthday. While other families have the quintessential cake as the birthday dessert, my family gets a kick out of digging our spoons almost instantaneously into the hard, cold slab of dairy delight, laughing when we see our poor spoons bend in defeat.

Last night, I thought of reminding my sister to buy one but I got so absorbed in the demands of the day that it slipped my mind.

Almost.

I will buy ice cream tonight and share it with my housemates, I thought to myself.

An hour later, I get this message from my sister:

“It is Papa’s birthday. We will buy ice cream.”

It is raining outside, the air is slightly colder than the previous days.

But who cares?

It is ice cream day.

Short-lived

2006-09-26T17:12:00.000+08:00

As I knew it would be. I retreat into the “darkness” that I have gotten used to.

For two weeks I enjoyed the freedom of accessing web sites and checking my free webmails at every whim.

The network admin also activated the in-house emergency messaging system.

But I found at that the company migrated to another connection, one that will give us better connectivity to the NY, Cardiff and Boston servers..yada yada yada. Whatever.

But, this freedom is transitory.

For fourteen days, I surfed cyberspace yet still aware of the 24-hr monitoring system that had us wary about doing too much browsing.

It was also 14 days of prolonged system downtime. There were outages at any point of the day. Birth pains expected from a supposed improved system infrastructure.

The operations director made sure everyone gets free merienda to motivate operations guys to extend hours as workaround to the intermittent system outages.

I am not from operations, but I get to share in the free food! System downtime didn’t affect me much. All I knew was all blogsites were accessible!! Oh look, I can go to blogger.com! I can actually see my template again! Mwah mwah. (sigh) I missed my template.

It was euphoria.

Now, I get the familiar “Not accessible” message. I am back in my myopic world where one of the sites easily accessible is the company website.

Ho hum.

Circumspect

2006-09-26T13:09:00.000+08:00

The listless waters now begin to show ripples.

Each wave a wee bit stronger than the one before.

The force underneath threatens to bubble forth.

The whisper of the soft winds hovering above the water begin to stir up waves of uneasiness.

But the ripples may become waves and the

whispers of the wind may become constant echoes that float in the air

Mixing vanity with comfort

2006-09-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

Impossible to do.

Especially when you are dressed to impress.

I am wearing a pair of white linen pants and an old rose floral top. The only obvious choice to complete the ensemble is my 2-inch light brown shoes.

After almost a year, I am wearing those shoes again. You see, after that near disastrous fall in October, I hurt my ankle again a few months back. It was excruciatingly more painful not to mention more embarrassing. That, while wearing a pretty sensible pair of black shoes. Okay, it was a slip on shoes. No heel support. I had to bandage the poor ankle for two days.

But for vanity’s sake, I am trying my brown shoes again and hoping I won’t step on some misplaced rock somewhere.

So help me God.

PS
Just to argue my case a little bit more, I have been wearing either boots and flats. How much more ankle support do you need that those?! Can't a girl wear uncomfy yet flattering shoes once in a while, accident-prone notwithstanding? I can almost hear the reaction: Go ahead! It's your ankle, anyway.

Terror of a boss

2006-09-11T13:00:00.000+08:00

I think I could be one. Or have the potential of being one. Believe me, I have reached this conclusion long before I watched The Devil Wears Prada.

I am no Miranda Priestley, Meryll Streep’s character in the movie. Heavens no! But the twice a week conference calls that I go through together with some of the junior guys in the Manila operations office made me see how demanding of a boss I can be. Fortunately for the junior analysts, they don’t report to me. (hahaha)

I think I need to digress a bit.

I have no staff working under me so extra help will have to come from Jovie’s team. I get very little difficulty getting assistance because the things I do benefits Jovie’s team in the long run. It also helps that I have a very good working relationship with her. Jovie willingly ‘lends’ me some of her more experienced analysts to do overtime work. They usually volunteer, according to her, because these guys want the extra performance credit and are usually the achievers.

“Overtime pay charged to your cost center, ha?” I would often get that line from Jovie. So, after coordinating work schedules with the team managers, I have an adhoc team at my disposal.

That is when my demanding streak rears its beautiful head.

I think the analysts in Jovie’s group have gotten used to just listening during calls and leaving the talking to their managers. Let me correct that. I think they have gotten used to half listening and just waiting for instructions from their bosses after the call. I think they have gotten used to making their own offline conversations with the phone on mute when the topic does not concern them. Only when they hear the word, “what about Manila” would they stop and say, “Ano daw?!”. To which they would speak over the phone and say, “Can you repeat that, please?”

It is similar to hearing your name called in class by the teacher in the middle of a lecture because you were doodling, looking out the window or chatting with your seatmate. Then you stand up, scratch your head and try to find out what the discussion is all about.

It irritates me. (And yep, if you see the nerd who religiously takes down notes and listens intently to the teacher…that would be ME.. geeeeeky)

Okay, that is just a small part of what irritates me. It irritates me that they cannot articulate what they want to say. It irritates me that even their team managers fail to prepare before the call. Imagine me having these irritations even when I am a mere participant in a conference call. Now imagine how I feel when I get the responsibility to lead the team. Which happens to be the case at the moment.

Maybe, because I had demanding bosses. Prior to joining this company, I worked with Filipino bosses who assumed that I can handle things. I had superiors who pushed me out of my circle of confidence. I had bosses who passed on work and allowed me to work on a very steep learning curve. Ergo, I had bosses who stressed me out but gave me the confidence I need.

Maybe that is why I am behaving like this. Maybe I want to push these guys out of their comfort zones. They seem so complacent.

I know I am a pretty reasonable boss. But, if you let me think you understood but actually didn’t and you failed to deliver when you said you will…!

“You can be very scary, “ I remember a former teammate tell me.

“You have people but you don’t manage them. Lucky you.” That was how Gilda, my college girlfriend, described my set up. She said that after whining about the pains of handling people. She has 19 people under her.

Sigh…

So, with all the effort I can muster, I loosen up a bit. Once in a while, I drop a hint and say, “Maybe you can ask that question during the call so they’d recognize your voice.” As of this writing, they are just happy listening in. As of this writing, I let them be.

From a control freak like myself, letting them be takes a lot of willpower.

For now, it seems to be the more plausible way to go. We are working on this project until December so ……

Ask me again in four months.

LSS*

2006-09-06T19:43:00.000+08:00

A Filipina singer revived the song and gave it a different sound but nothing beats the original. One phrase kept playing in my head and I realized how romantic that line was.

“Trace of forever lingering, drawing me closer to you..” I wish I wrote the song, or at least this line.

*Last song syndrome

Accountable

2006-09-04T12:15:00.000+08:00

"Nobody was ever meant,
To remember or invent,
What he did with every cent."

Words from Robert Frost's The Hardship of Accounting. Certainly, every accountant wishes the poet's witty attack on bean counting were true.

My tribute entry to my friends from my previous department on this season called the 'month end close' with another season overlapping, called the 'budget season' and another event called 'exodus'. One regional manager from the HK office is rumored to be resigning, only a month after another regional manager submitted her resignation. Plus two new expats that recently took over the reins of the Asia business.

Discussed over breakfast this morning with my former teammates.

This transient life

2006-08-28T14:54:00.000+08:00

Pluto gets the boot!

In a landmark meeting in Prague, the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of its membership in the “elite cosmic club”, downsizing the solar system from nine planets to eight, says CNN. For someone who devoured science books during elementary with the solar system listed under My Favorites, this was unwelcome news. Initially, that is.

“How could they do that? Why couldn’t they just leave the little guy in the list?” Seriously, that was my initial reaction. It is like one little brick of my basic foundation chipped away. But in our quest for knowledge, these adjustments have to be made.

Imagine those elementary kids who just learned about the solar system being told that there have been changes. Textbooks are one of the constants in a kid’s life. Yet, with this announcement, textbooks suddenly become obsolete. “Ok kids, forget about what we told you previously. Bad news for Pluto. It ain’t a planet no more.” I guess this is not how the grade school teachers would break the news.

That is the thing with what science classifies as truths. They are not absolute. We are humans, always needing constants in our lives. So we make do with what we have and make conventions when deemed necessary.

One decade's truth becomes the next decade's untruth. I know that someday, another news will come along.

++++

Interim structural changes in Asia

This was one of the headlines in our company website. Our newly installed Managing Director made twitches in the structure of one major business segment in Asia that is performing way below sales target. “Heads will roll before the end of this year,” I mused. I imagine the sales managers and directors biting their nails until they see the numbers improving. I am almost sure more organizational changes will follow.

++++

“Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes,” I tell my friend Mac who recently expressed sadness over some of his friends leaving the company for better opportunities. “It is something we will experience more and more as we advance in years.”

The older we get, the more people we meet. With each person we meet, at times we make instinctive decisions on which ones to keep. With each group of friends we have, we still decide which ones to keep for the longer haul. I suppose at some point, the hellos will cease as goodbyes become more frequent.

The thought seemed to sadden Mac a bit more, which wasn’t my intention.

“Sorry, I have just come from a place of goodbye.. Been there for a while so..….” I didn’t finish my sentence. He understood.

“So, the best thing to do is..…?” I smiled at him. “What..?” he curiously asked. I said,

“Never stop saying hello.”

Oh pompous me!

2006-08-18T12:34:00.000+08:00

"I am allowed to have my moments of weakness in my own home!"

A quotable quote from one of Oprah's guest who is a fashion expert.

I am saying that right now (grin) but in a completely different context.

You see, I am gloating.

Unabashedly.

I need a few hours more before I can wipe this, sly satisfied grin off my happy, glowing face.

Okay, okay! I am gloating and basking in my egotistical glow.

'Nuff said.

Grieving Well

2006-08-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

It sounds like an oxymoron. On occasion, I get asked about my “grieving process”. It is one of the most difficult questions to answer. “I am doing okay “ is not in the least descriptive.

So am I? Grieving well, I mean?

Aside from weeping your pain away and releasing hitherto emotions held in check, grieving also includes gradually establishing your new routines. A means to cope is to make room for other things.

Other things would include recurring flashes of memories of the people you have loved and lost. Other things include the familiar stab inside of you each time you recall the last time you saw your parents alive. Other things means getting ready for new traditions that may hurt, but you know needs to be done.

It means making room for stronger feelings of pain and sadness. It means being sad not just on certain times of the day or week. It means accepting that the deep sadness will remain. It is a certain kind of grief that you know will remain in you for the rest of your life.

There are some things that I need to unlearn, too. Like becoming tense each time I see a text message from a family member. I am like massaging away the knots on my shoulders that kept me in pain for almost two years. My brain has been programmed to prepare for news that gets worse by the day. I need to fix that and learn to expect more happy news than sad.

When the tears become more few and far between, you feel that you have reached the last leg of the ‘process’. But no. You just get used to the emotion.

There are some things I have come to accept as part of living. There are things that will never be the same again. There are people you can never be with again in this lifetime.

I am still walking that road… defining, redefining, learning, unlearning, accepting, rejecting. I know that I am progressing well towards establishing my new normal.

So, am I? Grieving well, I mean?

I believe I am. But I still have a long road ahead.

Those daily commutes

2006-08-15T16:53:00.000+08:00

I made the mistake of taking the passenger seat of the fx that stopped in front of me. Well, it was the only seat vacant at the time....!

Twenty minutes later, I find myself alone in the vehicle because I get off at the last stop.

When I am left alone in the passenger seat (which doesn't happen very often), the driver would usually engage in some small talk to which I respond with deliberate disinterest. This time, Driver strikes up a conversation but it was no small talk. It was sweet talk, a proposition, right from the get go This guy, who is probably in his mid 40's, was downright condescending! I responded with a scowl and a look of disbelief.

The rebuff was lost on him. I think he is used to women responding positively to such lines.

"You single, right? May 25 ka na di ba?" Under a different scenario, this would have made me smile.

"Oo naman, HO, Manong!" I said irritably. Moments like these, I wish I was wearing something more corporate. My business casual outfit usually shaves off a few years. Suffice to say that during that time, I wanted to do something criminal. Especially, when his eyes swept over me from head to knee... Twice..Eewww.

Thankfully, his hands are kept on the steering wheel, otherwise...!! The thing that prevented me from snapping at him was my fear that he would retaliate. (I was alone with him, remember.) I just decided to look irritated and ignored him for the next few minutes (or is it seconds..?) while i hugged my bag as if my life depended on it. He blabbered about how he saved up for the van when he was in Saudi. Those few moments inside the moving vehicle seemed to stretch forever.

Drivers of public utility vehicles do this regularly, hitting on lady passengers who happen to sit next to them. In an airconditioned vehicle, you are helpless in case the guy decides to do something crazy especially when there is no one else with you. I resent that there are some women who seem to show delight at the attention given to them by drivers. (Seem is the operative word, lest I be accused of being judgmental..) I hate it that men of whatever built are generally stronger than any of us women.. And whoever came up with the idea of powerlock.....! Grr.

I had to ask myself, Do i look like a naive, little girl lost in the corporate world? I wanted to say, "Please spare me, I am not a twenty year old. So those antics won't work. I don't care if you have saved millions while you were in Saudi!!".

When you are keen on getting a vacant seat in a van or FX en route to your office, you forget your list of DON'TS. But that cannot be an excuse. I wanted to knock myself on the head for forgetting my own reminder. That was my third encounter in the last three months on a weekday morning.

I will never ever let myself be alone in the passenger seat again.

Notes of a passerby

2006-07-31T23:02:00.000+08:00

“Will…you…marry…me?”

Hmmmm…

I wrinkle my brow…

Now why would the Rustan’s Mall use four of its precious glass display windows along Ayala Avenue just to have those words splashed for all the passersby to see? I glance over the fifth window and I see a mannequin wearing a simple wedding dress. Last time I checked, June was a month ago and December is months away.
I stared at the well-lit façade of the mall and smiled. Man, if I were a guy proposing marriage to his girl. I will make sure we walk along this side of the mall, kneel down right near the pretty mannequin on the display window and pop the question. Hahahahaha jologs but c’mon, kilig pa rin.

Drifter, get a hold of yourself. Must be that time of the month or the too many late night conference calls at the office.

********

How long have you been married? Says the girl.

“Three years.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah. Time flies. Can you believe it? Three happy years.”

Girl number 2 says, “I should have listened to my mom. Early on she sensed that something is not right with my boyfriend. That I should think twice about marrying him. Now look where it got me. Buti ka pa.”

Then I make a left towards our building entrance.

I tried to catch a glimpse of the two ladies from the glass main door as they walk straight past our building. Their voices now barely audible.

(Me, eavesdropping?! They were talking so loudly, I couldn’t help it. )

Two different pictures of a young marriage. The first one is made in heaven, the other, a partnership gone awry.

Reality check on a rainy Monday morning.

Three more letters

2006-07-27T10:47:00.000+08:00

"What did you say to Maria?” I asked, my excitement was obvious.

“I said no, that training is too expensive.”

“But why?” I said morosely.

"Smaller companies can afford it. It is not that expensive when you think about it. Why do you guys always use the NO BUDGET excuse?!" No, i didn't really say this. Hehehe

“Just kidding. Of course if said you needed that training. Ikaw pa. Cost may be a bit on the high side (there it is again) but I think the gains will be worth it.” She smiles at me.

That was Jovy. And we were talking about the request that I made to my boss. I asked that the company sponsor my enrolment to the 8^th Certified Management Accountant (CMA)** Program. Maria wanted Jovy's opinion.

I had to control my expectations although I was sure that Jovy’s endorsement is a major deal.

True enough.

“Kathryn approved your request.” Maria told me last night Kathryn is Maria’s boss. “The company will pay for the cost. You will have to sign a contract though. “

If only my boss could see me grinning from ear to ear. Go ahead draft a contract. I am getting the hang of this job anyway.

Can I sing that song again?

“Lord Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life. I am surrounded with the favor of the Lord always and forever.

**CMA is an internationally recognized designation that will be given by the ICMA of Australia after fulfilling all the necessary requirements which includes attending the classes, taking an exam and writing a paper.

NOW WHAT??

2006-07-21T10:48:00.000+08:00

Taking inspiration from a morning radio show’s top ten, I make my own list:

Top ten responses to the question, Now what?

10) You do what needs to be done

9) Brace yourself and wait.

8) Turn a page.

7) There are just some people you cannot get along with. That doesn’t make you a bad person.

6) Nothing. You can’t control how other people think.

5) Nothing. You don’t need to do anything all the time!

4) Now, take care of yourself.

3) I just want to know how life has been to you over the last few years.

2) People forget. They’ll forget this one so don’t be too hard on yourself.

And the top response to the question, now what?? is:

Time for plan B.

Words given to me, words I came up with, words that people say to other people and words I hear on tv or in the movies. It would be nice to go back to this entry once in a while. Might come in useful again someday.

Weekend musings

2006-07-17T11:37:00.000+08:00

Wouldn’t it be nice to have Captain Jack Sparrow’s compass so that I will know where to find what I want most in my life? Unless of course, like Capt Sparrow, I don’t exactly know what I want or have too many wants that the compass wouldnt know which to prioritize.

Despite the breathtaking action scenes of Pirates of the Carribean, (the three-way sword fight scene was sooo cool!!), I left that movie house with the compass in mind.

********

Maria Shriver once was quoted saying “Well-behaved women never make history.”

In Shriver’s universe, history literally means HISTORY. Using that line in context with my life, I came to a conclusion.

I am too well-behaved.

Too accommodating. Too nice. Too risk averse. Scared to go even for calculated risks. Too proud to face the possibility of rejection. Too nice to even voice out my disappointments. Maybe it is time to throw a little of my weight around. Rock the boat a little.

I remember this test about a woman’s ways to protect herself or to control her circumtances. There are five levels or five manifestations. A friend once said that I use the nice girl approach. I remember being surprised. I thought I was the busy girl or the tough girl type.

I remember him saying, “You are not the tough girl type. And not the busy type either. You don’t use the “I am busy” line unless you really are busy. You make yourself available when necessary.”

I was shocked that he observed that much. But I knew in my gut, he was right. I am so used to saying’ “No it is fine,” when in fact, my heart wants to say, “Unacceptable!”

No need to be alarmed, I am not about to become the mean girl. This is not a case of a fool rushing in where angels fear to tread.

I won’t bother to go into details but let us just say I have some thoughts brewing in my head. Let us just say I want to make a milestone, my own history.

It is just about time.

What do you know, maybe I don’t need Capt Sparrow’s compass after all.

Landslide

2006-07-05T13:41:00.000+08:00

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, even children get older

And I'm getting older too

Take my love, take it down

Climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well a landslide will bring it down

A landslide can bring it down.

Landslide

By Stevie Nicks

Fear is the factor

2006-06-28T12:30:00.000+08:00

The bedroom lights are off but thanks to the light from the lamp post outside, I slowly grope my way to the bed, not wanting to disturb my roommate.

Then I hear it. That buzz. My senses turned full mode. Without any glasses on, I can see that slowly moving dark shadow on our screen window. I run for the light switch and there it is --- a cockroach.

I shudder. Eeww.

My roommate is sound asleep and so are my housemates in the other room.

My heart thuds. I am all alone. I heave a sigh.

I got the bedroom slippers and raise my hand poised to take a swat at that terrifying little creature before it decides to fly and scare the living daylights out of me.

But here is the thing. My hand is ready to attack but my feet aren’t. I was standing a good six feet from the window. Hahahaha Pa cute.

So I do the next courageous thing.

I whisper a cry “ Shawieee..” (my roommate).

She mumbles…Hmmm?

So much for not wanting to disturb her. Desperate moments do call for desperate measures.

“If I try to kill that cockroach, it will fall on your bed.” I sounded so brave and heroic. And concerned. LOL!! I almost convinced myself with that line.

Translation: “Shawie, may ipis, paki patay!”

“Wh ..where?” she asks, half asleep.

I point towards the window near her bed and without hesitation, she picks up her slippers and kills that ---- ugly creature.

And Shawie falls back to sleep. When I have finally settled in my bed. I thought to myself, that seemed easy. Whew!

Okay, I freeze with fear each time I see a cockroach. Something must have happened in my childhood for me to have an unusual fear.

I even remember asking God to give me a husband who is not afraid of cockroaches so that he will kill them for me. Seriously!! I want to make sure I have someone in the house who is not afraid to kill roaches. Fine, I have ended lives of roaches in the past but only after much planning and sweating. And running away. Killing a cockroach is exhausting.

“You have to buy a swatter and practice”, Shawie lectures a few days later.

I ask, A swatter? That is not going to kill a roach?!

“It won’t, but at least, it will become weak and fall to the floor. Then go for the kill.”

Ohhhh Kadiri.

Overcome your fear. Face your fear goes the mantra.

I have faced a few fears in my life.

But facing this one gives me goosebumps.

Pass muna.

Put your records on

2006-06-27T09:47:00.000+08:00

My song of the moment.

Jazzy, funky plus something else. That "head-nodding beat". And a blues ring to it.

It has been awhile since I last bought a CD.

Until I saw this very simple video of a girl leisurely riding a bike with her girl friends. I liked her outfit and her Afro ' do.

And her voice!! Wow!

She sings with such ease. Very laid back. Very cool.

And so I buy her CD. My first purchase after a looong while. Well worth it.

I like most of the songs in the eleven-track album. Other than Put your records on, I like Enchantment, Trouble sleeping and Breathless.

Her name is Corinne Bailey Rae. UK's latest find.

I put my feet up and chill to her sound.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down

She finds her rest

2006-06-22T19:52:00.000+08:00

June 15, five o'clock in the afternoon. I stare out from the window of the van as it smoothly speeds along North Luzon Expressway.

Only half an hour earlier, we said our goodbyes to our cousins in Pampanga and headed for Manila. One hour more before we reach home.

Home. Sixty minutes. I need to do some planning, I thought. It had to be a productive ride. So I begin a mental mapping of my to do's........

...........

Nothing.

Who am I kidding? My brain is in condition to do heavy thinking. My mind is tired. My body is tired.

And my heart is beyond tired.

So I decide to just stare at the steady traffic of cars, trucks, buses... The rest of the world moves on but mine just had to stop for a while.

Early that morning, we brought our mother to her resting place. Beside our father. My mother passed away June 10 early morning, eight days before her 62nd birthday, after 18 months of fierce battle with cancer. She was a strong and determined fighter. Barely having a chance to mourn over her husband's death, she decides to focus on overcoming this cruel disease. To the very end, her children helped her with her fight. What a long, painful battle for all of us.

Now, I feel the full impact of losing both parents. What an empty, hollow feeling. You feel tired but the sadness numbs your entire body. The sadness is so profound that you can't express it.

Last Sunday, we celebrated her birthday. Which also falls on Father's Day. Amazing how my parents still seem to do things together even after they have left us.

"Now she won't feel the pain anymore." What a cliche but it does bring us the greatest comfort.

It is time to rest, Ma. Don't worry about us. We're in good Hands.

I close the day with a song

2006-06-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

The Long Day is Over by Norah Jones

Postscript:

Tense shoulders. Tired eyes.

Two 11-hour work days. It is only Tuesday.

My Wednesday is spared but my Thursday is not.

I wonder how Friday will go.

Day by day

2006-05-29T16:42:00.000+08:00

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find, to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,

I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.

He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure

Gives unto each day what He deems best—

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,

He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”

This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation

Offered me within Thy holy Word.

Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land.

Lyrics: Lina Sandell, 1865.

Composer: Oscar Ahnfelt, 1872.

My cup runneth over

2006-05-23T17:37:00.000+08:00

After a cursory knock on her doorpost, I went inside Jovy’s room for her signature on my medical reimbursement form. She stood up and closed the door behind me. Though a bit puzzled that a simple reimbursement would require confidentiality, I sat down and let her see the receipts.

“How is your mother?” she asked.

I give her a quick update.

Over the last few month, Jovy and I have developed a certain degree of friendship. Although not my direct superior, I made deliberate efforts to make her feel that I recognize her seniority. Evidently, my efforts were appreciated. These past months, I have also gained insights from her people management style.

She hands me the signed form and then –

“I know that you only report to me administratively so I am not sure if I am in a right place to ask this but –

I thought, whoa whoa whoa. What is this???

……… “Are you happy with your current salary rate?”……….

Her question floored me but I recovered quickly –

“No I am not”

She smiles “ I am glad that you can be honest about it."

“Don’t get me wrong Jovy, it is not a bad rate. I just know that I deserve a higher amount. If I choose to leave the company, I am sure I can get a better rate.”

That isn’t a bluff. I am confident that I can do that.

She asked me how our HR offered the rate and I give her a brief history.

“I decided to accept it because, I didn’t want to leave the company yet. I had an option during that time but I decided against it.”

Sensing that this is the right time, I continued, ‘This year is my reckoning year, Jovy. If by end of quarter one next year, I am not satisfied with my rate, I will resign. In fact, this year, my focus is to prepare my resume for next year.”

She was quiet for a while. And then she starting speaking.

She was very general in her explanation but, coming from the financial planning group, I understood what she was driving at which I translate as:

Bottomline, there will be funds available to justify a jump in salary.

She continues, “BUT…..” (ohhhhh there is that word)

“… having it within the year would be difficult. I can’t promise that. We will try. In time for next year’s appraisal, I know that we could do something to align your salary.“

Awwww. Why did I have to know this now?? (ang EQ ko! Ang EQ ko!)

That would have been enough to dampen my mood but I have long decided to stay until December anyway. With all the stress that I have been going through since last year, I didn’t want a new job to add to it. If there will be any major move, it will be next year. But I didn’t tell her that.

“I am aware of how much your rate can go given the range of salary for managers. We can do something about it even though it will be for next year. RT (her boss, the Operations Director for AsiaPac) can swing that. By the way, how much was your increase?”

I gave her the rate. In my previous department, that rate would have been okay but with Operations, it was at the lower end.

She slightly bowed her head and said “I am sorry about that. Maybe because you were fairly new in the group. (excuses excuses) We will do something about it.”

Finally, I just had to ask her –

“What happened Jovy? What made you think about making an evaluation at this time of the year? Not that I am complaining. Did someone speak with you or was it God who spoke to you directly? I have been praying about that you know.”

She smiles and says “I just thought of it.”

My eyes widened, my voice confident. “Ahh so it was God who spoke to you directly!!”.

Her next words warmed my heart. “You see, I really like you. I like how you have managed to establish very good working relationships with my often stubborn managers. Mind you, they are not an easy group to get along with. Even the junior staff find you very approachable.”

I think I blushed and only managed a smile and an “oh thanks, Jovy”

Okay, I admit, I was teary eyed and I was sure she could see my eyes brimming with tears. (Na touch ako, promise!)

“You even managed to handle Mia. She doesn't seem to faze you. I know she is one tough cookie.”

Tell me about it!! I wanted to say but again, I choose to shut my mouth.

“I don’t know how you have been performing on Maria’s (my boss!!) side but as far as the operations side, my side is concerned, I give you the highest marks. You had a steep learning curve but I know you have a good grasp of operations now.”

I wanted to tell her that I am getting pretty good marks from Maria as well but again, I shut my mouth and let her talk. I’d hate to interrupt the flow of words affirming me. (LOL)

“You have been a lot of help to my team. And so I feel that you should get the commensurate salary. And our cost center can handle that.”

I smiled again. I think I couldn’t smile wide enough.

“I like working with you and your team as well.” I said softly. I was so poised, I must say.

But inside of me???

YESSSSSSS! ALRIGHT! WAHOOOOOO!! THANK YOU GOD! My spirit was doing the dance of joy.

“So I will make sure I give Maria my evaluation, solicited or unsolicited. And recommend to make the adjustment.”

I almost didn’t hear her with all the revelry in my head.

I said enthusiastically, “I am sure she wouldn’t mind unsolicited!!”

We both laughed.

It was lunch time. Her phone rang “Hello! Yes, Melissa I will be there.”

“Don’t just think about leaving yet” she said as she opens the door for me.

I floated towards my workstation.

I know that Jovy usually spends lunch with Melissa, her close friend at the office. I am also sure that I will be one of their topics over lunch. Good! Go ahead. Talk about me.

Melissa happens to be the HR Manager.

There was nothing to tie Jovy to her words. She could easily forget today’s conversation. (but i will be sure to remind her hehehe). This may sound corny but her words were reward enough. Her words filled my heart.

When my nerves have settled, I realize that next year is still a looong time coming and for a few moments wished that the adjustment will happen within the year. (Dapat first quarter pa nangyari ito eh! Growl.)

Still, for the next two days, this song (culled from Psalm 23) rings in my head:

“Lord, Your goodness and Your love will follow me all the days of my life

I’m surrounded with the favor of the Lord

Always and forever.”

Day three and the song still plays inside me. :P

From within

2006-05-18T22:20:00.000+08:00

I have been getting the same questions about my mother and I have been giving a standard reply.

“Not good.”

That about sums it up.

Some of them give a follow up question and I give my standard follow up answer.

“She lost a lot of weight.”

And losing more by the day, I want to add.

Once in a while, when time permits, I give a little more update about her condition or share an anecdote about my recent conversations with my mother.

But rarely do I get asked this.

“How are you?”

Maybe because some think that it is a ridiculous question that doesn’t merit an answer. Maybe because some find it uncomfortable to ask a question that is too personal. Maybe a few think that I didn’t want that question asked.

I think maybe they are right. I don’t want to deal with that question.

I don’t even want to know how I am or how I am coping with the idea of losing my mother only a year after losing my father. In fact, I rarely ask myself any question.

No, I have not numbed myself. I can feel the wealth of emotion just beneath the calm and controlled exterior. I just refuse to let vulnerability creep in because I might not be able to keep a lid on it.

So I protect this wall, making sure all cracks are covered up. During unguarded moments, it may not matter who is in front of me. I just might let the wall cave in and allow the rivers of emotions flow.

One thing though, I haven’t had an unguarded moment since January last year. Only before God in prayer have I let my control down. But even that takes so much effort.

The feelings are too profound. No words can be enough.

Recently, a friend asked me the standard question and I gave the standard set of answers. We were on a train en route to a Manila so the moment allowed us to talk some more.

What my friend didn’t know was, those thoughts only dawned on me as I say the words.

“I think that is why I didn’t want to do anything or to go into anything new. ”

Dealing with the pain of a dying parent is too big a deal that I try to protect the status quo in an attempt to lessen the impending blow. It was my last vestige of control. I just wanted all other things to remain unchanged. I don’t want to rock the boat when the waves are already strong enough to tip it over.

My friend understood, I think.

Although I am aware that it is pointless to take control, I suppose that it is my attempt to cope with grief.

So if you want to know how I am – -- ?

Let me just say this.

I am deeply sad. I am angry as well.

Maybe if you look hard enough and if you are quick enough, you will see that flash of sad look in my eyes. Maybe if you listen well enough, you will hear the sad tone behind the funny rejoinders, the brief silence after a laughter.

I guess I prefer it this way. Let us go on with our usual and at times mundane conversations.

And just let me grieve in private.

Blue sky holiday

2006-05-16T20:41:00.000+08:00

The phrase that caught my attention as I learn the words to Daniel Powter's song, Bad Day.
Okay, it is a song about having a bad day so you probably have an idea of how negative the lyrics go.

For a song about bad days, this one may just lift your spirits. It is kinda danceable. I like its upbeat melody.

I don't watch American Idol, but i was told that this song serves as the background each time one idol wannabee gets booted out.
It has been enjoying airplay for several months, its sustained popularity attributed to American Idol, I guess.

You need a blue sky holiday, goes Powter.

Ah yes, I do.

But i have this self-imposed rule not to go out of town for long periods of time.

Long period as in two to three days.

I am sticking to this rule.

-----

A few days ago, the sky darkened and for a while, the city got a reprieve from the heat.
I love the rainy season (except when i need to go out). And I can't wait for the sound of rain.
The extreme heat made me wish for the rains to come.

Today, I woke up to a dark sky and cooler breeze. Yess!
Tropical storm Caloy visits the country, ushering in the rainy season.

There goes my blue sky holiday.

Celestial lights

2006-04-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

Growing up, the vast expanse of the dark sky always fascinates me. Thanks to the well structured science curriculum that we had in elementary and high school, I was inevitably hooked. My father’s adequate collection of books and other literature fueled my curiosity even more.

And to this day, seeing the full moon with dark clouds hovering it makes me stop in my tracks and stare. You wouldn’t think that it is just a rock that only reflects light from the sun!

In the mid 90’s , a TV movie by Stephen King, The Langoliers gave me a more visual idea of another phenomenon, --the Aurora Borealis, an awesome blaze of the Northern Lights.

"Far north in the night sky, a faint glow appears on the horizon. Green and
red flames of light stretch across the sky. A glowing curtain of light forms, waving and swirling above you. As the lights fade away the dark night
closes over you once again."

Recently, another movie, Disney Pictures’ Eight Below brought me back to the carefree years, the time when I would just raise my eyes to the sky and gape in awestruck wonder. Set in Antartica, Eight Below is about eight Siberian huskies left to fend for themselves for six months. My favorite scene is when one of the dogs jumped as high as he could trying to catch those moving rays. Oh wow! The Aurora Borealis!!

It was only the next day that I realize it is not Aurora Borealis but Aurora Australis, the Southern Lights . (Antartica is in the south pole, my dear Drifter :D).

"The extent of light pollution today makes observation of the aurora very difficult. We have to face the same situation if we want to watch the stars. In principle, the light of the aurora is weaker than the light of stars, so if no stars are visible it usually means that the northern lights cannot be seen either."

So that means when the aurora is seen, the sky is at its clearest and bright stars fill the sky!! What a sight that must be!

The mystery of the outer space still fascinates me. And whether Borealis or Australis, the aurora is a work of art, a moving painting in the sky. Watching it must be like seeing the hand of God splashing shades with the universe as His canvass.

I thought of the time with my friends when we laid on the grass somewhere in Baguio and just ….stare.

Out there.

Lying there with the sky as my covering, gave me the most peaceful and the most humbling feeling…..

How beautifully refreshing it must be to see the night sky streaked with a myriad of colors instead of the usual black and gray.

Parched

2006-03-27T21:08:00.000+08:00

Too much time under the sun’s blazing heat.

Away from the flowing streams of water that is seen from a distance.

Where else would the clay get the water it needs to quench its thirst?

When it seems like one long hot summer ahead?

Yet, hasn’t it happened before?

Couldn’t the hardened clay hope for a mighty Rain in the midst of summer?

Yes.

2006-03-24T13:04:00.000+08:00

I was asked a question.

My reply was negative.

Almost immediately, I realized that I gave a wrong answer.

Maybe because I subconsciously evade the question. Or just don’t see the need to confront it.
Until unwittingly, I meet it head on.

What I thought was an honest reply was a knee jerk response, barely scratching the surface.

……

Tears flow. Heart in hand.

So I ask myself that question again. And gave my heart’s reply.

To the universe, it may not matter.

But to that reflection in the mirror, it does.

Amigos

2006-03-22T13:01:00.000+08:00

Yep! Male friends. I am glad I have them. Why? They give you a less complicated view of certain things. (opps..sorry fellow ladies) They tell you like it is. Rarely do they overanalyze, if at all, they do. I consider it a huge blessing to have these few good men who are genuinely concerned in me as a person and more importantly, as a woman. I have been gifted with friends who regard me as their equal yet still consider me as the gentler gender. They are men who are instinctively nice and considerate of women across the board, not just towards women that they are romantically interested in.

I have one male friend at the office who drops by my workstation few times a week for a 5-minute chat. This guy has always been generous in giving encouragements and showing concern. His selflessness allows him to sense the needs of the people around him. You will know sincerity when you see one. Believe me, those 5-minute visits fill my emotional tank to the brim!

And another ex-officemate who, although an ocean away, still manage to drop an email or send a message to say any mundane thing that pops in his mind. And another one who calls me up and being an expressive man that he is, never fails to say “How are you? “ or a “Tol miss na kita ah!” Still another who, together with his wife, invites me over for dinner just to catch up. And another who sends me a message via YM even though he knows I am usually offline. Or the one who usually sends this message, “’Musta?” Then he would call but not after asking for my landline for the umpteenth time.

I have a few other friends who regularly drop an email or give a quick call either for some updates on “serious” stuff or just for some nonsensical exchanges. What mattered was the moment allotted for me. That they remembered me. The topic is secondary.

I have such high regard for men who know that women ought to be handled with care and respect. You see that in the way they communicate, both verbal and nonverbal. I admire them more for not being quick to judge you as having romantic leanings.

I do value a man’s point of view. During painful situations, talking to guy friends help me hasten the healing process. There is nothing like the masculine point of view to pull you out of the depths of sadness and to re-build your dwindling self-esteem just by their presence.

Most of the time, these men unknowingly give me important lessons just by listening to them and learning how their minds work. Amazing how different they are. Such an interesting breed ..err.. specie. In fact, I am not surprised to know that, although I gave this site to them, only a few really take time to read my blog! (except maybe this entry…..)

People spending time with me, whether personal or virtual, is right smack at the center of the love language that affects me most. With my lady friends, spending time is easy. For men, it can be a bit of an effort. An effort well appreciated.

True, I have more female friends. Definitely, the more personal topics I choose to share with my gal pals. My girlfriends, coming from different backgrounds and carrying varied personality types, are lovely fixtures that color my life’s shelves. And my male friends? Equally lovely fixtures. My glass-encased shelves won’t as beautiful without them.

Amigos. I say keep them, even when you already are in a committed relationship.

A significant other who forbids you from keeping them….well…may not be significant after all.

Salute!

Keeping my fixtures

2006-03-21T12:47:00.000+08:00

I stare at the wall where my shelf stands and lovingly smile at the fixtures that line each layer. Fixtures of varying sizes, hues and designs, each one stirring special memories. Maintaining them takes huge responsibility which I take very seriously.

These fixtures are heaven’s gifts and caring for them is my gift to myself and a way of giving back to God.

The wisdom to know which fixture merits a place requires much thought and consideration. Should I put in my biggest and most beautiful layer? The one that I encased in glass so beautifully kept for all the world to see? Or maybe in the other open layer where I can easily reach and regularly clean away. Or should I place it at the lowest layer, hidden by an opaque door?

Once in a while, I take stock of things and decide to move some of them from one layer to the next. But through the years, I have learned to know where to place a fixture. On most occasions, my fixtures stay where I initially place them.

Then a fixture catches my eye. More than a year ago, I had deliberately placed it at the back end of one layer, not quite sure if I should keep in its current spot, move towards the front or hide it behind the opaque door.

I pick up it.

And I sigh.

What should I do with you? I say to the fixture that once owned in a spot in my glass-encased layer. Now, you have collected more dust than memories. How many times have I tried to keep you in my main shelf only to have my spirit wounded? When would you realize that being in my shelf is not an accomplishment? It is a mutual nurturing. It is a journey to be enjoyed. Not a race to be won. In your shelf, I would have wanted to be a fixture too. Not a trophy.

Sometimes I face this choice. Of picking up a fixture and wondering what it is doing in my shelf or why it had stayed too long in that spot. At times I have some fixtures trying to push the opaque door down, wanting a space in my main shelf. But some of them are way too fragile and unsteady, supported by a base made of inferior material that it can’t stand on its own. Some fixtures simply erode, weathered by the sun, wind, dust and time.

Once again, I stare at the fixture and gently wipe off the dust. For the nth time, I decide not to place it behind the opaque door.

I place it not behind the glass door but the layer above it where I can still reach and clean away the dust once in a while.

Once in a while.

Up Close and Personal

2006-03-14T11:26:00.000+08:00

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the use of technology to enhance communication, but whatever happened to face to face discussion? Sure, there are things that are best discussed via email but when all recipients are located in one floor, wouldn’t a brief meeting be a better idea? Or better yet, since only two people are involved in the discussion, why not pick up the phone, press four numbers and voila!! OR an even better idea is to leave that workstation and take .. what? ..ten steps to the other person’s work area. Good exercise too.

I don’t recall any announcement regarding a no-talking policy nor do we have any stay-in-your-post rule issued by HR. Okay, my sarcasm is showing. But when you regularly get several emails that is actually a conversation between two people, you sort of get exasperated. Especially when all of the email recipients are located near each other.

A few personalities in my department seem to prefer to interface with that electromagnetic radiation-emitting computer monitor than have the more personal interaction. I just don’t get it.

As if reading my mind, the SVP for Global operations sent an email this morning to the Global Content Group with the most interesting subject -- Stop and Talk: Free Email Experiment. His email declares tomorrow as a free email day. His message encourages everyone to use the phone or make personal visits to their colleagues’ workstations.

I shake my head. So it is a global case. And Mr. SVP, what a great idea!
-------
In my former department, I only know one local number, that of our senior accountant.
The rest of the thirty plus people in Finance, I usually communicate with face to face. Not only does it give me a faster turnaround, it also improves my relationship with them..

One exception: My HK-based ex-boss Saj, I prefer to email than give a call. Enough said.

These past months in my new department, I have been deliberate in visiting the cubicles of the people I deal with. The questions that they send me via email, I usually respond to personally and then tell them I will send an email just to document the discussion. This way, I am able to match the names with the faces as well as make them feel more comfortable in approaching me in the future. I’d like to believe that I have made significant progress in this area.
-------
(Sigh) The price of technology. Too much of our daily exchanges are relegated to text messaging or emails. Sure, it has its advantages and it would be crazy not to take advantage of these benefits.

Used to be that I loved giving personal birthday greetings or making brief phone calls to friends but now, a text message gets the job done. Or does it?

If you must know, I am an audio-oriented person.

I’d love to hear from you.

Stepping out

2006-02-27T12:30:00.000+08:00

My friends call it my “launching” and I cringe inside each time I hear it, not to mention, feel a little more ‘stressed’ as that day approaches. But then I realize, to launch means to embark on, to get underway, to take-off.

Exactly what I did.

This one thing that I reluctantly yet eagerly desire finally came to fruition. It happened through Songs from the Heart, a post valentine musical-talk show event sponsored by the QC Influencers International. The night is highlighted by four panelists who are in different stages of love and loving. They share valuable insights culled from their own experiences. In each phase of love, there will always be an apt song, and that is where yours truly come in.

Although I am aware and grateful for God’s gift of music, I have always preferred to keep it under wraps. I mean, how many requests to sing one song for a wedding have I evaded? I can remember giving in to four wedding occasions and refused more pleadings from brides-to-be.

Why? One word.

Fear.

The thought of standing in front of a crowd, with people looking and listening to me, intimidates. The thought of not meeting their expectation terrifies me.

What made me pursue it this time? One word.

Faith.

The faith of the people around me. Let me emphasize by saying, stubborn faith of friends. And yes, faith in the Source of this talent.

“Di lang pang videoke ang boses mo (Your voice is not just for videoke)..” I remember Grace (the most ‘stubborn’ of them all) saying to me.

Much as I know I can sing well, I have always believed that my voice would not be good enough for a special occasion. Sure, I have sung in a few weddings. Sure, I have received affirmations but inside of me, I still felt, that another singer can do better.

But then I know that the way of expressing thanks to God for his gifts is to use them. In increasing measure. To constantly step out of my comfort zone and … dare.

And so, ably accompanied by Wendell, the Influencers’ own version of Ryan Cayabyab, I took part in the ministry that I love.

I have two dreams in my heart -- to sing in front of a crowd and to be on radio.

One down. :D

PS
I am still on that natural high. (giggle giggle) I feel so good that I just might post some pictures.

Prayer in a song

2006-02-21T12:30:00.000+08:00

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you,
Help me open my heart to you, oh Jesus.
It's what i long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

-- BRIGHTEN MY HEART by Sixpence None the Richer

I feel ---

2006-02-19T12:59:00.000+08:00

Frustrated - a cluttered room with just a few days to go before my landlord will find reason to knock the apartment door down and force me out of my place, unless of course, I pay for an extra month’s rent (which I won’t)

Upset - because four sets of 25 crunches each still send me bending sideways in pain. I only get unsympathetic grins and chuckles from the trainers at the gym. Gee, thanks.

Ridiculous – after reading an old journal that details some of confused emotions. Now if I were to talking to the “younger, less wise” me, I would probably knock myself on the head and say “Hello!!!!!!” But I realize that those foolish decisions gave me a stronger resolve on a lot of things. Oh, yeah I 'shredded' that journal with my bare hands. The cheapest therapy there is.

Refreshed – from powerful insights from the Word of God during Sunday service, just the message that I needed.

Excitedly nervous – over this wonderful opportunity to share a part of myself for a special gathering. This may need a separate entry.

Uneasy - given the major adjustment I will have to go through as I share a room (and an apartment) with three women. (will they kick me out if they hear one Mishka Adams song over and over again?)

Grateful – for the provision we received that will finance the next two chemotherapy sessions of my mother! God is amazing! Woohoo!

Eager – to present some plans I have drawn up at work to my boss. Now, if only we can find a way to finally have that much-delayed phone call.

Satisfied and thankful - I look at the mirror and say, "You have come a long way, girl."

And a long way to go.

My odd(?!) indulgence

2006-02-16T18:30:00.000+08:00

It is one of my quirks. Listening to a song, (yes, ONE song) for hours!
An average of four hours each song is my conservative estimate.
Let me list down the songs that caught my fancy the past weeks.
I can only say “Thank God for earphones and the repeat button!”

God only knows by the Beach Boys
Save the last dance by Michael Buble’
Magnificent by Hillsong
Part of me, part of you by England Dan and John Ford Coley
Wouldn’t it be nice? by Beach Boys
Who am I? by Casting Crowns
Don’t love you no more by Craig David
Unbelievable by Craig David
Whenever wherever whatever by Maxell
Dream of me by Kirsten Dunst

Easy listening music, I dare say. I suggest you check them out. Listening to one song for several hours is not for everybody but the weird habit sure runs in our family.

Thoughts too random? I think not.

2006-02-09T20:00:00.000+08:00

Without getting into the details, I know I got what I deserved when I learned of some information that I had no business knowing. In the words of my friend, James, “curiousity killed the cat”. Well, those were not his words really ..but umm…you know what I mean.

Life indeed is a race. Not a sprint but a long distance marathon. The journey is long and tiring. You face detours along the way. You come face to face with disappointments. You deal with a lot of frustrations. You feel that life is unfair because the course did not go the way you expected it.

You prepare well for the race but you forget to realize that all of the runners beside, behind or ahead of you prepared for the run as well.

In a marathon, sure there will be winners. Cliché it may be but finishing well makes the journey, with all its hurdles, worthwhile.

Once in a while, you might get distracted and spend a little too much time focusing on how badly or how well the other runners fare. But you must decide to keep on keeping on and stay on course. It will be wise to recall why you are running this course in the first place.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you bet the water bill is higher.

Months back, I came across this statement. I never forgot about it. I have been waiting for the opportune time to blog something about it. I guess, this is the time.

In your side of the fence is your own garden. You have your own wild grass to weed out and the most beautiful flowers to nurture. You have a landscape to think about. A landscape uniquely your own.

This is not supposed to be a blog entry that makes sense. So if you don’t understand what I am saying, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I clip my wings then wonder why..?

2006-02-06T19:20:00.000+08:00

I skim over the inner pages of my favorite broadsheet when I saw the article on the latest batch of Chartered Financial Analysts (CFAs).

After a cursory glance at the picture of about ten men and women, all distinguished in their suits, I do my routine of checking out the names.

My eyes widened.

This time, I make deliberate look at the picture.

He looks older, I thought. Well, that was several years back so...Now he is a CFA….

He was one of the countless financial analysts I worked with. Worked with him for quite a while…

Analysts and bankers. Never was a day complete without having a meeting, an email or a phone call from at least one of them.

I remember the times when I would get a phone call from an analyst or an account manager urgently requesting for some information at the exact same time when my boss is breathing down my neck for some reports he needs for a board meeting. I shudder at the stressful thought.

But I remember CFA guy, with his mild manners and gentle voice and ..uh well, let us just say, he can bother me anytime. An irate boss preparing for a meeting, notwithstanding (lol). Just kidding.

I remember getting the third degree from my boss, DAM, for having a meeting with Mr cute-analyst-now-CFA in my work area.

“Those visitor’s chairs are not for outsiders. We have a conference room where you could hold meetings. Your work area has a lot of confidential information.”

Words to that effect. I apologized for the lack of judgement. I couldn’t possibly tell him I have this huge crush on this particular analyst to explain the oversight. Knowing DAM, he will call this guy and set up whatever meeting with him just to make sure he comes over on a regular basis. I will die of embarrassment.

I googled his name on the web. An idea I got from a blogger. Hmm.. He co-authored some research work on the Philippine economy. Although I have dipped my fingers into a slightly similar work, the topic still overwhelms me. I close my browser.

I wonder where he works now. Surely he is just here in Makati... I wonder if.....Maybe…

Nah.. Forget it.

Ohhh why my parents raised me this way I will never know. (LOL)

Ohhkay, fine. They raised me well.

Too well.. :D

As Michael Buble and Nelly Furtado's cover of Humperdinck's Quando quando quando fades. I close my itunes, turn off my PC and head for home.

Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me quando quando quando...?

Treading the familiar grounds

2006-02-01T17:56:00.000+08:00

Like a pilgrim that finally found its way out of the desert. Like an endangered specie that reunites with his natural habitat. Like a …..

Okay I am being a bit melodramatic but you get the idea. The sense of isolation I have endured the last five months in my old work area has finally ended.

Now, I hear the familiar sounds of people in other nearby work area. I hear the endless shuffle of footsteps on the new grayish blue carpet, the barely audible chatter of some guys a few meters away, the drone of the printer a few steps away, the slightly off-key humming of Matchbox 20’s Unwell coming from ... somewhere far left. At least now it is far left. Even in my new department, an off key Unwell hounds me. Hahaha. But, I am not complaining.

New carpet, new telephone units, new pedestals and uh yea new telephone numbers, I take in the scent of newness.

Ahh …Civilization. The all too familiar hustle of office life. I take in the air of familiar grounds. Now I feel like a part of this huge team. I smile as I look at the glass window. Awww. No ugly unfinished building. I am kinda missing the old man.. err building. I see the glass windows of the next building.

Suddenly a felt a wave of longing for my old place, the privacy it offered, the immediate view of Ayala Avenue… Dear me, I am such an extroverted introvert. Or an introverted extrovert. Whatever.

I see a hand waving in my direction. It is Julius, one of the QC Analysts. A coffee drinker. Even in my solitary confinement, my love for coffee didn’t escape him.

“Now I can only stand from my cubicle and say ‘Coffee break' ” he says.

I agree with a smile as I followed him and the rest of us coffee drinkers to the pantry for that much needed caffeine fix.

Fashion whooops!

2006-01-26T20:03:00.000+08:00

They say it is a woman’s nightmare.

To spend forever and a fortune to find that perfect dress for that important function only to realize that another woman wears the same gown.

And I am talking about us, ordinary womenfolk.

Wearing the same dress as someone else in Hollywood is just about the worst thing an actress can do. Embarrassment magnified!

Recent Golden Globe winner Reese Witherspoon was victim of a couture house’s faux pas.

Nope, she didn’t see another woman wearing the same Chanel vintage dress the night she accepted her first Golden Globe award. Yes, she wore that dress in front of millions of people.

Yes, she was told (by Chanel) that her gown is vintage. But a three-year old recycled dress is hardly vintage. A certain Kirsten Dunst wore the same outfit three years ago to….where else but the Golden Globe’s after party?!

To an A-lister, this is a huge deal. That is what happens when some people just fail to do their job properly and when a Holywood star does not do her homework.

Witherspoon’s exceptional performance might merit her an Oscar nomination says the experts. You bet she won’t be caught dead wearing a Chanel again. Count Renee Zellweger and J-Lo in as well. Apparently, these three ladies have the same agent.

But still, I am sure that this will just be a blimp in Chanel’s illustrious name. And Witherspoon will live. She has been through worse, I am sure. The girl might even get an Oscar.

Now that, is a bigger deal.

In the course of time

2006-01-23T19:10:00.000+08:00

So am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

Words of wisdom from one of my friends, Ethel. Years back, I remember hearing her dilemma whenever she clears some of the things in her house. During one of my own clutter clearing sessions, I remember her words.

How right you are Ethel, I spoke aloud as if talking to my friend who now lives in the US. Most of the files I stuff inside the garbage bags are those I previously decided to keep for whatever reason. I guess now, two years later, their meaning is lost on me.

Time does change a person. Some things that you choose to treasure do change in course of time. The old pictures fade as the vibrant colors of new photographs capture your fancy. The ties of certain friendships loosen their hold on you. You find that you have outgrown some habits and certain people. I guess, for as long as I know that I am moving forward, growing and blooming into the person God fashioned me to be, I must embrace these changes.

I feel no tinge of regret as I tear and crumple papers, letters and cards, almost emptying a box full of lettered memories.

Some items, I decided to keep but Ethel’s words ring inside my head.

Am I going to keep this stuff so that I have something to throw away the next time I do a clean up?

I thought about what she said and thought some more.

Dear Ethel, no matter how hard I try to keep a room uncluttered, there remains to be things that I want to keep with me, just because.

I know that someday, I will throw away these same stuff that for now, I choose to keep. I also know that there are things that I will always keep, those that cannot be weathered by time, indelibly a part of who I am.

Clutter clearing

2006-01-20T08:30:00.000+08:00

For the fourth time in two weeks, I receive a corporate announcement regarding the automatic email deletion policy that takes effect next month.

Since mid December, I have been doing gradual clean up of my mailbox because we will only be allowed to keep emails no older than 120 days on a going forward basis. The US Headquarters even sends out countdown to the effective date of implementation on top of the regular reminders! Translation: we mean business so listen up and do as you’re told or you will lose your files!

So, email by email, sender by sender, I read and delete or read and store my electronic files in my personal folders. A task that I thought would bore me to tears turned out to be a surprisingly enjoyable journey of remembering!
------
Much like the flooding of reminders on the email deletion policy, I also get a considerable number of emails regarding our move to the 19th floor. I get timelines from our admin head, reminders and requests to make our move as seamless as possible. Needless to say, the first step always requires searching through files.

Here I go again ! I thought with a sigh. But this one needs no clicking of the mouse. This clean up I do the old –fashioned way. Thankfully, I only have a manageable amount of files so I was able to clean up in two hours. There is something about literally tearing those old papers with your bare hands. Crumpling and tearing paper in a seemingly reckless way is almost … therapeutic.
-------
NONE can be more cathartic and daunting than clutter cleaning an apartment. In a few weeks’ time, I will leave my place, my own private hideaway for the last two years to double up in a room in another apartment with a friend of mine. But before I can do that, I have an enormous amount of clutter to contend with. Moving to a smaller space means either giving away a few things, throwing some away or bringing them back home! Bummer!

The toughest part is deciding what to do with my I-don’tknow-why-I-keep-them-in-the-first-place-but-I-want-them-with-me things. I made a mental note not to do my stuff-sorting at least two days before and after my monthly mood swing. Either that or I will be too emotional to let go of anything!

Despite the hassle, I look forward to my clutter clearing ‘sessions’. Yup, I decided to break them down into manageable chunks so that I wont feel too overwhelmed. More than the physical clutter though, I find myself sorting out, figuring out and letting go of some inner clutter as well. I say, what a great way to start the year!

When I am finally ready to move in to a new place, I know that I will be one ‘cleaned out, clutter free’ gal as well.

... A girl can hope, cant she?….

I may have to watch his movies now

2006-01-03T13:10:00.000+08:00

When asked how actor Heath Ledger has been coping with the birth of his daughter Matilda with girlfriend Michelle Williams, this is what the Brokeback Mountain lead star has to say --

I've been doing a lot of dishes. Happily. What else am I going to do? We're so bloody hopeless in the birthing process. You come out realizing just how stupid and weak men are. This primal kind of strength that women have just exceeds anything that's within men. It makes you feel like going out, taking steroids and going to the gym. Then starting a war! It kind of explains a lot about society; it's like overcompensating for this lack of strength. So, I'm not starting a war, I'm doing dishes.

Okay, I watched none of his movies (all I know is he is Naomi Watts’ ex-beau) but I like the way he looks. After reading this particular interview, I think I just became a fan. I admire him for declaring his appreciation for what Michelle Williams constantly goes through as a mother. Now, that in my book, is a real man!

A quick send off

2005-12-29T15:30:00.000+08:00

In this tiny corner labeled #15, I make my final post for the year. I have about fifteen minutes before I log off. The coins in my pocket can only afford one hour's worth of internet use. Oh well...Here goes.

What a year this has been. Quite a year. Sad times, happy times. Moments of laughter, moments of sorrow. Special memories and forgettable ones. Wise moves, miscalculated ones. Moments of endless chatter and those of prolonged silence.

Half an hour ago, I check my email just to have a heads up on what week one of January 2006 will be like at work.

It is quite obvious but let me just say, in life, rarely do we get a 'heads up', if at all. But here I am ready to face the new year.

Comforted in the goodness and grace of God, I say.....Bring it on!

Some Changes

2005-12-14T14:23:00.000+08:00

We are moving to the 19th floor.

I don’t think I have mentioned that my employer recently (and finally!) closed the deal with the property management of the building that we are leasing. We currently lease three floors of the building and in January 2006, we will occupy half of the 19th floor.

Talks have been ongoing as to which of the teams will be moving. Chris informed me moments ago of the final arrangements.

“Jovy hasn’t mentioned anything to you?” he asks.

“No. It may have slipped her mind.” I reply.

Moving to another place, be it to the next room, next door or the next street can be stressful. My mind is a bit frazzled already so the news did not sit too well with me. And oh, have I mentioned that I am moving to another apartment next month as well?

I wanted to ask Chris something else but I decided not to.

The question? ….

Where, in this new arrangement, will I be located?

It honestly didn’t matter whether I still get a room or not. Had it not been for Chris, I would have felt so alone in this lonely corner. A room isolates, I realize. It has been a huge adjustment from the open space I have when I was with finance. I opted not to blog those sad times when I wish can only turn my chair and I have someone to talk to or simply stand up so I can bother the person on the other side of the cubicle. (Chris is not always around) I thought it too juvenile for a blog entry.

I realize at the time that I am more of a people person than I care to admit. I love interacting with people. I honestly do not know how long I can sustain being some kind of a recluse by the sheer nature of my job.

I am rattling but my real question behind THAT question?

Will I share a room with Mia? Or will my cubicle be next to hers?

I have spoken to Mia maybe just three times. Let me share with you the most recent encounter.

She came up to me and asked for some updates on a project that was taken from her. (she took a two-month leave). I informed her of the two managers who currently handle the projects.

Mia exudes a confident air and owns an unusually loud voice…. for a female. She also has that habit of not letting you finish your sentence. A combination of traits that I don’t particularly like.

One of my friends in the finance department was right, she very rarely smiles. (as you may have guessed, she is a ‘popular’ figure in the office)

“From how I understand, William used to do it this way and that way…. I wonder how it is being done now?” Mia asks me. William is the guy I replaced. I thought to myself, my side of the universe deals with data content, her team takes care of process.

I remember another warning from a colleague. “She tends to meddle in the business of others and criticize you behind your back.”

Hmmm. But, I asked myself, what harm can she do to me? So, I decided to humor her and gave her a general idea of how my boss wants to approach projects going forward.

“But everything is still in the drawing board,” I end my spiel.

I sense an eagerness in her to share what she knows so I let her have the chance. She took a board marker and started writing on the huge white board. For 15 minutes, I let her speak.

I must admit, she gave me very useful information. So, I listen and ask questions. She voiced her concerns that the people handling the project may not have a full grasp of the issues confronting Asia and Japan. The two project managers (her team mates) are based in the UK and the US. The girl has a point.

How did our talk end? Quite well, I must say. I encouraged her to speak with their boss because I have no hand in how projects are assigned. She agreed and said she is eager to go back into the thick of things. I in turn, agreed that we needed someone in Asia to represent such projects.

She smiles at me.

Whoa! Progress! In half an hour. I give myself an imaginary pat on the back.

“Patayin mo sa bait (disarm her with kindness)” I remember one of my friends’ advice regarding her. Will do my best.

So, do I still want to share a room with Mia? Do I want my cubicle next to hers? With that voice?

Not really. She is okay. But maybe in small doses. if it's a cubicle, chances are, mine will be right next to hers. I suppose I should be ready for anything.

Be ready for anything. The song of my life. I let out a sigh. This change is nothing compared to the other things in my life right now.

One of the things that I learned in 2005 is not to sweat the small stuff.

I look out the window and grimace at the huge unsightly structure that I call my view.

I can’t help but smile. Hmmm. Wait a sec. I wonder, which half of the building are we occupying?

Decidedly Feminine

2005-12-12T10:37:00.000+08:00

It is an orange pointy slip-on shoes encrusted with tiny sequins.

It caught my eye, despite the assortment of shoes displayed all over this small shoe store in Glorietta (one of the big malls in the business district). The sequins give it a sparkle, yes, but it is its certain shade of orange that fascinated me.

I grab my friend EVA, she looks at the price tag and checks how the shoes look on my feet from the full length mirror in front of us. She nods in agreement, “It is great! Go buy!” (Thank God for girl friends! Especially when they support a purchase decision. Ha ha ha )

Yep, I bought it. On sale. At 50% off.

After asking the saleslady on how to clean and maintain this recent purchase, (cleaning it will be tricky), we leave the store.

Next, we go from store to store looking for a pair of white pants.

It can be quite frustrating looking for the right pair of pants. It got to a point where I seriously thought of buying white skirt instead. (It is more difficult to buy pants than skirts).

“It has been awhile since I wore a skirt,” I tell EVA. “Maybe it is time I go back to wearing them again.”

I had no particular reason why I decided to stop wearing skirts. It just became convenient to just slip on to a pair of jeans or slacks when going to the office (or anywhere else for that matter).

Then, a good friend, Beng forwarded me this article In Defense of my Pink Slingbacks.

“I remembered your floral shoes”, she tells me.

I realize then that, my flair for girlie shoes and accessories could well be my attempt to avoid falling into the gender-neutral zone.

I am sure all women will agree that the right pair of shoes does something to a woman’s stride. I think the right kind of skirt creates the same effect.

Going back to our malling, I found a nice pair of white pants from one of my favorite stores, its price hugely discounted as well.

As we find our way towards the counter, EVA says, “Yeah, I think it is time you start wearing skirts again.”

I give her a meaningful smile.

Mud pies and holiday

2005-12-05T11:29:00.000+08:00

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are halfhearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

I have read this quote before. I even think I have posted this in my blog (have I?). While I skim over an interesting site, I saw this passage by C.S. Lewis again.

I wonder if the hopes and desires I have at the moment are mere mud pies. The dictates of a rather harsh global culture and the lure of materiality that we come face to face every single day can unwittingly get under our skin. Without reminders from the Word of God, wisdom from well-grounded friends and tough love from family, it is so easy to get shortsighted. Even easier to have our priorities muddled.

So muddled that yes, we might even fail to see the holiday at sea that God is willing to give to us. If only to Him we’d say --

“Okay then, have it Your way."

With bated breath

2005-11-29T17:29:00.000+08:00

624 U/ml.

My heart sank as I stared at my mother’s latest CA125 lab result. Three months back (after her sixth chemo), we had an encouraging 45 U/ml from a pre-chemo count of 4000 U/ml.

The cancer cells do not waste time, I thought. A few days ago, my sister sent me a message. “She has to undergo chemotherapy again.”

The cancer cells are active, says the doctor. In my heart, I wished he said, “cancer is in remission” instead.

Three months. She only had three months of reprieve from the effects of the potent medicines. Now, she goes back to the hospital and takes in doses of chemo again. Will her body respond as positively as the last cycle? Can her body sustain another round of strong medications?

I think my mind went blank when I got the confirmation of my mother’s next cycle of chemotherapy. The same blank feeling I got each time I hear updates of my father’s condition during the two days that he was in ICU. (that was just a few months back!)

But in the privacy of my room, I give myself a chance to feel, to cry. To release the heaviness and take in fresh doses of strength. The next few months will be times of … what..? I really don’t know. Day by day. Morning by morning, I just need to take things one at a time. Each day, we are given grace that is sufficient for today . Admittedly, there are certain moments that I lose composure and go through moments of doubting. But I remember a verse from the Bible: “who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”. No one really. Tomorrow is another day. I cling tightly to God’s comforting arms. I brace myself.

Postscript: We actually got news of my mother’s latest tumor marker test (CA 125) a few weeks back. I guess, I try hard to make myself feel that things are simply routine. Many times I wish that my days will just take usual ho-hum route. My form of denial. But no, life is far from routine.

Huh?!

2005-11-24T09:00:00.000+08:00

Check out an email message from my boss addressed to her entire team:

Guys,
I just wanted to recognize JC and RB for being awarded the XXX Company Bottoms award.
This award is given to the XXX employees who under-perform on an annual basis. Their underwhelming performance did not go un-noticed.
Let’s applaud JC and RB for their accomplishments.
Congratulations and keep up the poor work!

To which one of the team members replies: "Let my people GOOOO!"

I am not really sure what is going on. Some joke I am not privy to. I get the feeling that I am the only one in the dark over this. Maybe, I will ask Maria. This is the thing with globalization. You call 'team mates' people who are half a world away with Microsoft Outlook as your only link. Maria's anecdotes about the team in the US gave me a picture of a pretty tight and happy team. They are very generous with their praises, Maria especially (maybe because she is of Latin descent). I would love to know the story behind this email. (sigh ..sigh..)

Maria expressed her desire and intention to make me feel that I am part her team, never mind the distance that separates me from all of them.

"Just drop me or anyone of us an email anytime." was her last instruction before we ended the call.

"You know, Maria. You really should bring me to New York. Wouldn't a team building activity bring us all together? What do you think? ", I said to her.

-------

No, I didn't. HA! But what a thought, huh?

Disoriented

2005-11-22T19:24:00.000+08:00

Monday at half past seven in the evening. I wear a satisfied smile on my face while I attach the excel file and type in a summary of the report. I felt pretty good about the report I have put together for my boss. As I click the ‘send’ button, a surge of eagerness washed over me. I can't wait to discuss this one with her tomorrow, I thought.

During my initial meeting with Maria (my boss), we agreed to have biweekly phone calls, with or without any deliverables. Being managed by a superior located halfway across the globe is quite difficult without the regular updates and yes, some small talk.

Tomorrow, is our next scheduled call.

Anyways, the next day, 9am. I dial her number and I hear her machine. I leave a quick message to tell her I will call in ten minutes. Maybe she is having dinner with her husband, I thought. Ten minutes later, I call again. Still, the machine picked up my call. I leave a second message. Hmmm. This is unusual. Absentmindedly, I check my calendar and - Oh no!! I thought in dismay. Then ended up laughing aloud. By myself. Imagine how that looked.

……..….

Oh yes, I called a day earlier! I should call her Wednesday, 9am. (Tuesday 8pm EST). Arrgh! I scolded myself, “you have been calling her Wednesday mornings for the past three months, why get confused after all this time?” My answer, “ I don’t know. Tao lang. ( I am only human).”

I drop Maria an email, apologized for the confusion and promised to call tomorrow.

I am just relieved she didn’t pick up the call herself! Not that she will get angry or anything. She’ll probably laugh but … I cringe at the thought.

The rest of my Tuesday was uneventful after that. In this case, I’d take uneventful anytime!!

New Snow

2005-11-15T12:55:00.000+08:00

Look, look out on the trees
Well, from here it looks like crystal
Shining in the breeze
Look, look out on the land
Well it finally looks like winter
So just reach out your hand and --

Feel the new snow falling softly 'round me
a second chance to make things alright
Like a new love calling
New snow is falling
Just outside my window tonight

It is an excerpt from the song New Snow by Flim and the BBs**.

It is a ballad that talks not just about saying goodbye but also of hope and new beginnings.

Let us just say that this old song came to mind (and became my anthem) with Colin, one my friends and constant companions at the office, deciding to move on to another company. Yes, another fixture in my work life off the shelf!

The song speaks of footprints disappearing into the new snow. I think of the footprints of people who have walked my way and have moved on to different paths. I think of the footprints of those that continue to walk my way.

I also see some footprints going a certain way…I look down, pause, turn and deliberately take a different direction. Yes, sometimes, we do need to take stock of things and choose which footprints we want to see right beside our own.

I think of the path ahead of me. And though I haven't seen snow, I think of the song, beautifully accompanied by piano and saxophone. Then, I imagine looking out the window, reaching out my hand and feeling a certain new breeze embrace me.

**The more popular and commercial version is from Michael Ruff, i think.

Somebody's gotta do it

2005-11-10T13:15:00.000+08:00

“Hello.” came the curt greeting from the other line.

“Hello, Lito. Are you ready for lunch?” I said cheerfully.

Before he could reply, “Wait a second. Are you going to be bad company today? You sound sad again. Please, can we talk about happier things? Please..?” He has been grouchy since beginning of the week and I can’t stand another day being at the receiving end of this whining. Again.

“I can’t help it. There is just something that Anne (Anne is one of his team members) said … "

“You know, I think I’ll have indigestion if we spend an hour of negativity,” I said sweetly. “Oh please can we talk about other things over lunch, please? I won’t like you as my lunchmate if you give me another round of those complaints. Only happy thoughts. This one time?” The sugary tone didn’t escape him.

“Okay,” he says with a sigh.

I relented. “Okay, I give you 15 minutes tops to let it out and that is it.”

“No. I promise. No complaining this time.” Happily, i put down the phone proceeded to the 8th floor cafeteria.

When I met him at 8th floor, I saw Anne with him and we spend an hour free of office issues that usually dampen their moods. But our new topic leaves a lot to be desired as well. (sigh) I prefer to keep it at that.

Four hours later, Lito calls me up for snacks. This time, with Colin. Still no complaints (yess..) but his face was morose and at one point, he bowed his head and rested his cheek on the table. Colin and I looked at each other, with questions in our eyes.

There are a lot of times when I do prefer not to have Lito join us for meals. He tests my patience. Whining has become his bad habit.

But I felt a wave of compassion for the guy.

“Cheer up. Lito.” With a defeated sigh, I said, “ Okay, let’s hear them.”

Without hesitation, he begins a litany of his office angst. We listen patiently. After he was done with his monologue, it was my (and Colin’s) turn to speak. We gave him harsh but honest words. Some were reminders. Others were corrections.

We gave him hard questions. He was quietly nodding his head. I just hope he realizes that Colin and I sincerely want to help him see things in a different perspective.

I don’t know how much of what we said really hit home. We did our part. The rest is up to him.

A price I willingly paid

2005-11-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

Sure, I just came from a ten-day off from work. Sure, two days of that were spent recovering from a cold virus that almost ruined the rest of my vacation. Sure, a day before my long break, six of Chris’ (the guy I share the room with in the office) staff were tasked (by my boss) to ‘assist’ me so I can complete my deliverables. (Yep, I will complete them upon my return. Isn’t my boss the coolest?!)

But their help came with a price. Rey, together with the two other guys in the team teased me no end about buying them merienda… What a naughty, rowdy trio.. They feign a cough while saying “pizza! pizza!”. They give me melodramatic lines about how they need to squeeze in this extra job to fit into their hectic schedules. I thought to myself, oh dear, I kinda see myself in them. This is payback it seems. I am sometimes guilty of sweet talking my way to a freebie. Guys usually give in easily.

I held my ground. I laughed with them as they continued in their spiels. I smiled at them as they stepped out of the room, unsuccessful. Whew! It was difficult to refuse but I had a budget to think of given my long break. Okay, honestly, I just wanted to win that round. My competitive streak was on.

Day one of my return to the office. We hold a meeting to discuss issues. With Chris’ permission, I ask them to do one more simple thing which I know my boss will ask. Once again, the three guys (the three ladies were shy, it seems) began reciting the phone numbers of a pizza company and a burger chain. Over and over again. Now, that is new.

And where was Chris throughout this 'ordeal' ? Right there with us, quietly watching, smiling and wondering if and when i will give in to the pressure.

To their surprise, I said 'okay, go. snacks on me'. I handed Rey the money and suddenly, the three boys blushed! I laughed seeing them squirm in embarrassment. They didn’t expect my response. Three huge guys blushing Ha ha ha How adorable! They said they were just kidding. I said, sure you were.

When I get a freebie, I just clap with glee. No apologies. Maybe because they are boys, err men. And they just ripped off a lady… (umm..that would be moi) .. That, while calling me ma’am. The three ladies were less vocal but I see their potential.

Half an hour later, you see us in the pantry, gorging on pizza.

Mumblings

2005-10-25T16:25:00.000+08:00

We do have the weirdest weather in Manila. It can't seem to make up its mind.

It was a humid Monday night with barely a breeze in the air.

A very promising Tuesday, the morning sun promptly making its (heated) presence felt.

Midday, the sky turns dark, the mood downcast, the air cold. Minutes later, the heavy clouds give way.

An hour-long downpour.

Now, three hours later, I look out the window and the sun shows up again, drying up the puddles that muddied my floral shoes earlier (I just had to say that! Ha ha ha).

When I think about it, life mirrors today’s changing condition .…..

But I think it mirrors a woman’s mood swings even more.

(A woman speaketh). =D